Letting go

It's been a while since I've written again. I've had a lot going on recently! My last blog was a celebration of being 100+ days cut free!!

Today's blog I want to talk about letting go of things.

When something has been in your life for a considerable period of time, it can be really difficult to let go. Whether that something be an item you cherish, a relationship or even a habit you have sustained. To go on and live your life without this something can be very difficult.

Recently,  I have been through many transitions that have caused me to let go of things for one reason or another. I have found this quite difficult in some respects.

I have lost connections with people I cherished. This was through no fault of my own although I did nothing to prevent it happening. I have also 'lost' my self harming. Now, this may sound odd to someone who has never self harmed. For me, it means losing control. Losing a fight. Losing direction and worst of all, losing feeling.

It  is difficult to explain the experience of losing feelings. I don't just mean emotions here, I mean real physical feelings too. Heat, cold, pain, pleasure. It has all but gone from my life. I guess I can fake it if I feel the need but even the desire to do that has gone! There are very few things now that make me feel anything and I'm at a loss as to whether that's a good thing or a bad thing! I guess if I don't feel then I can't get hurt right...?

Breaking a habit is a very enduring thing to go through. I can honestly say I have no idea how I have managed it this far. I believe that will power takes us only a certain part of the way. Who knows what propels us after that? 

Life itself is pretty much an uphill battle and we have to keep pushing to get to the top. The thing is, what is actually at the top of that hill? What happens when we reach our goals? Is that it? 

I believe there is NO top to that hill, every time you reach one peak, another juts out before you waiting for you to climb that one. When you get to the next one you can look down and see how far you have come and then continue on up.

This is how I have got through most of my life, by simply pushing through. 

There have been many road blocks along the path of my life however, I have chosen to sidestep some of them. Not all, that would be foolish! 

One road block I side stepped for a long time was happiness. Yes, it may be true that happiness can get in the way of things but without happiness what is there?

Who can tell me how happiness feels? I sure don't know. There are things that make me smile of course but I don't really truly know what happiness is. I have recently been reading about a phenomenon called cherophobia. This is the apparent phobia of happiness (and then some.) The levels of cherophobia depend on the individual but isn't this something we've all suffered to some extent at some point in our lives? I would say so. 

Recently I have been thinking about my future. We all do this to some extent on a regular basis. I have come to the distinct realisation that next year, not only will I have finished my degree, I will also be turning 30. I don't know why but I have the impression that 30 will look different to how 29 may look or how 28 looks at the moment. I feel that I may have to become more 'serious'. It is difficult to accept this as who defines serious anyhow? I would say that that is down to the individual. 

I very much doubt I will ever fully grow up. Idiotic things make me laugh far too much! Also, working with children is a great way to maintain youth! I guess I like to consider myself a regular Peter Pan! 

Some people say that growing old is inevitable but growing up is optional. I tend to follow this mantra myself to an extent. I am aware that I have to be mature and responsible with regards to maintaining my household, working and studying. However, that does not mean I cannot have fun and as long as no one is getting hurt, what harm is there if my idea of fun is rolling down a steep hill at the side of a castle?! 

I also need to let go of my excessive behaviour. I believe this is 'part and parcel' with a mental disorder but it is still not excusable. Things such as drinking. I like to have a drink now and then. It's not a necessity in order for me to have a good time and I do know my limits. However, there are times when I will binge drink. I know that this is neither good for my body nor my bank balance but it is something I still feel the need to do every now and again. Also, my excessive eating. I have put on quite a lot of weight over the past 18 months or so. 

There are other things that I really ought to let go of in my life but for some reason I really can't! They seem to lurk in the darkened recesses of my brain! 

One of the hardest things for me at the moment is maintaining my relationship. It can be very trying at times and more often than not I'm unsure as to whether it's me overreacting or not.

My Mr Aussie and I had quite a big fight recently which ended with me breaking my toe somehow (genuinely no idea how) and fucking up my knuckles by punching walls. My anger isn't getting any better! If anything, since I stopped cutting I'm getting more and more aggressive. 

I guess that since I'm coming to the end of my second year of uni I'm feeling a little confused and perhaps like I'm not quite ready to move onto the next phase of my life! 

I really wanted to go back to the temple I found in Wimbledon but I have since discovered that my crazy ex is leading classes there!! As far as I know, there are no other free buddhist temples in London!! 

I have been writing this blog now for nearly two weeks and it's not going anywhere so I'm going to let go of it for now! Hopefully I will be back soon with something more coherent!! 

Keep Smiling :(: 

100+

BLOG STARTS HERE

Sorry for the late blog! I did promise to write one for my 100 days cut free but I was really busy then I went away for a few days! Now I'm back so here is my blog!!

I'm now 104 days cut free. It has probably been one of the hardest things I've ever done! people have asked me how I stopped. In all honesty, I have no idea! I guess it's will power? I'm not sure. Over the last 100 days or so I have had a lot of things going on. My life has become incredibly challenging since I've not been able to cut.

My cutting has been replaced by explosive rage. I lose it completely over the smallest of things. I've always had anger issues and I have always found anger difficult to express my anger in a calm safe way. None of the doctors I've been to has ever seen that there is a problem there. I'll tell you, if you go to every home I've lived at over the past 8 years, you'll find glass embedded in a wall somewhere! This used to be what I would do. I would throw a glass/plate/cup etc at the wall. Usually after someone has left the room!

There have been many many moments when I have wanted to cut so bad that it has been all I can think about. I sit in the bath tub and stare at my razors. I have the last blade I used attached to the magnetic strip on my laptop. It serves as a reminder I guess. 

The one thing that has kept me from cutting the most is the thought of getting my new tattoo to cover up my scars. I'm going for a phoenix as it's quite symbolic. Also, my leg is looking quite good these days.

At the most difficult times, I have suffered visual/auditory hallucinations among other things. I wrote about many of these things in my Withdrawal blog. It's still incredibly difficult and I am still suffering withdrawal but I think I am quite possibly over the worst of it.

So there you go, I have been an on/off self harmer for 15+ years and now I'm 104 days cut free!! If I can do it, I believe that anyone can!! 

Another thing I wanted to talk about in this blog is relationships. Though personal experience, I have found that creating and maintaining relationships incredibly challenging. I'm not just talking intimate relationships here. I find it very difficult to create and maintain any kind of relationship. The friendships that I seem to create can be emotionally draining. I am well aware that friendships require give and take but for the most part, I find that I'm the one who gives and everyone else takes! 

Trust is the biggest issue for me. I find it incredibly difficult to trust people. I find myself thinking "Why does this person want to be friends with me? What trick are they going to pull when my back is turned...?" Unfortunately, it is difficult for me to get out of that mindset as when I was at school people would pretend to befriend me only to rip the piss out of me. 

First impressions for me are vital. I can be quite intuitive and I find that I will know within the first 10 minutes or so if I want to be friends with someone. My intuition hasn't been too far off so far! 

I guess you could say I have different levels of friendships. I have a 'superficial' level; these are people I like to spend the least amount of time with. We will have been introduced by a mutual friend, have the same interests or something similar. Then I have friends who I enjoy being around. Friends I would open up to. Friends I would have on my 'Christmas card list' if I had such a thing...! 

Then there are the 'lifers'. These friends are people who I cannot imagine my life without. I can count the number of these friends on one hand! 

My anxieties are the hardest thing to cope with when it comes to meeting new people. A few weeks ago I went out with a friend I made at new years, she introduced me to a LOT of new people. It was a very difficult night for me, especially since a lot of these people also had mental health issues. It's not that I'm saying I can't be around other people with mental health issues. Not at all. It's just that it can be difficult when everyone else is sharing their issues and I feel incapable of speaking about my own. I guess that's down to my own insecurities. 

Incidentally, my 2 oldest and closest friends are also Bipolar. These two girls are the greatest people I have in my life. I don't get to see them as often as I'd like to but when we're together, it's like we were never apart!! 

Being in an intimate relationship is also very difficult. My previous long-term boyfriend couldn't come to terms with my illness. I wouldn't say that was his fault. I guess lack of knowledge of such things is not uncommon. The thing that was the most difficult about that relationship was that it was very one-sided. I loved him but he didn't love me back. That is, without doubt, one of the most painful experiences to deal with for me. I'd often tell him that he loved me and he just couldn't (or wouldn't) say it back. 

I guess it's safe to say I fall in love too easily. The reasons for this are many. I guess not having enough love and attention as a child made me crave that from others. I often sought out recognition and praise for the smallest of things. I was very proud of all of my achievements. That part hasn't changed although I require much less praise and attention now.

The relationship I am in now is different again. My Mr Aussie has grown up around mental health issues and most likely has his own. Hopefully some day he'll learn to open up to me and share his feelings so that our relationship can be stronger but I'm not going to push the issue. It's down to him to feel comfortable enough to open up.

We have hit some pretty rough patches in the short time we have been together. Someone tried to break us up recently by telling him that I'd been cheating on him! The cheek of it! But we've weathered the storms so far! 

Family relationships are also difficult. Just yesterday I found out my great uncle (my Nan's brother) passed away. I didn't really know him at all. I didn't really feel sad about him dying. That feels wrong to me. I feel like it ought to bother me a little more. 

My family can be incredibly difficult at times but they're the only family I've got! 

So there you have it!! The blog I promised.  Thanks so much to all of my Facebook friends who have been so supportive and as always, thanks to you, the reader, for continuing to read my story. Until next time,

Keep Smiling :):

RAGE!!!!

BLOG STARTS HERE 


Today I have decided to write about my rage problems. I'm not talking about your normal 'anger' issues, I'm talking all out I WANT TO KILL SOMEONE RIGHT NOW murderous blood boiling rage!!

I have always had anger issues. I never really know how to control my anger much like the rest of my emotions. Anger is the worst one for me though. It escalates so quickly that it makes my head spin!

Today was a very bad day. It was quite infuriating because it actually started off so well. Next year will be my final year at university and I was hoping to do my final year project on mental health. Specifically regarding children. I had been hoping to conduct a study in a mental health facility but last week my supervisor told me it could take up to a year to get NHS ethical approval. This was a bit disheartening for me as it was something I was really keen on. However, I'm not one to quit easily and when someone tells me I can't do something it makes me want to do it all the more. Somehow, for some reason, someone was smiling down on me today and I received an email from my uni mentor telling me that his wife is part of an ethics committee for psychiatric research and he may well be able to pull a few strings for me. This made me so happy!!

And so, it was with a happy heart that I set off for uni this afternoon. I was churning over ideas for my project and hoping that my supervisor would allow some string pulling to fast track my ethics approvals. 

Now, I'm not one to 'follow' fashion as they say. I like to do my own thing when it comes to how I dress. Admittedly, I like it when people look at me when I look a little outrageous. It gives me confidence in some perverse way. Today, I didn't think I looked too outrageous by my own standards...! Honestly! However, I received a lot of dirty looks and snide comments about how I was dressed! I don't even understand it. I mean, if I look ridiculous, surely that's my own fault right? Surely no one has the right to make rude comments about me? Needless to say, by the time I got to the tram station this morning I was feeling a little insecure and anxious and was thinking that wearing my crazy shoes was a mistake...! 

I figured I ought to just shrug it off and continue planning my final year project planning. I missed my tram by a few seconds and that annoyed me a little. The next tram wasn't for another 10 minutes. I sat reading my book and ignoring the comments and stares I was getting. When my tram arrived I sat down and put my bag over my feet as my anxiety was really getting bad. The tram was then delayed before the last stop as the driver had gone to the wrong platform and there was already another tram there. This made me miss my connecting train by another 10 seconds! This made me cross but I decided it wasn't that big a deal. I stood outside the train station having a cigarette to calm my nerves and that's when I realised I had left my student ID card in my other coat. I was a bit frustrated but I knew I could get a temporary pass. 

I got to uni and I was supposed to be meeting a friend. I figured I'd go to the office to get my temporary ID sorted as her bus was delayed. I went to the main building and they told me I'd had the maximum number of cards allowed for this academic year and I was to go to the Student Centre. As I exited the building there were 3 guys walking spread out across the pavement and they were going incredibly slow! I needed to move quickly as I had 15 minutes until my lecture. I couldn't get around them and I was getting frustrated! I don't understand a person's need to walk so slow! I got around them and half ran to the Student Centre. I waited 5 minutes at the main desk only to be told to join the queue to the left. I stood in what I thought was the queue until I realised that I had to check myself in for an 'appointment' at the desk. I did this and saw that the waiting time was 12 minutes.  I was irritated by this but I needed to get a replacement pass! After standing in the queue for 5 minutes, I overheard a lady at another desk saying that she was the one who dealt with ID cards. Again, I became more irritated as I'd wasted time in a queue I didn't need to be in and within the 5 minutes I was stood in the wrong queue, 10+ people had joined the right queue! I realised I was going to be late to class and my anxiety was getting quite high! 

When I got to the front of the queue, I explained my plight and asked for a temporary day pass. I was informed that since I'd used the maximum number of temporary passes I'd have to purchase a new one. I explained that I knew where my card was and I didn't need a new one, I just needed a temporary one to get me to my classes today. I was informed again that it wasn't possible to issue me with any more temporary passes and that the only way to go to my lectures would be to buy another pass. I explained that I had no money anyway and buying a replacement was not an option. Still I was refused!  By this point I was quite angry! I understand the need for security and all but it was highly irritating that I could not get another pass! I'd only used a paper pass three times before and I wasn't aware there was an upper limit on the number of passes we could be issued! No pass - no entry! I had no choice but to go home! 

I was incredibly cross because of this. I felt like I'd wasted my money getting to uni only to be told to go home! I stomped off towards the train station and decided to pick up some milk on the way so I could have a cup of tea when I got home. 

The first shop I went into had such a big queue and the mood that I was in was not conducive to standing around with so many people. My anxiety was really high by this point! I decided to go next door to Tesco. I hadn't anticipated that there would be an issue in Tesco but I couldn't have been more wrong! Stood in the doorway was a group of about 15 people. Whether together or not they were all completely in my way. I tried politely to ask people to move out of my way and after saying "Excuse me" 4/5 times I just exploded and I screamed "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY!!!" Then I stomped through the crowd to get my milk! Now, this may seem like a bit of an over reaction but I HATE being waylaid when I'm trying to get something done! 

I was quite upset by this point! I really dislike getting angry because I know how bad it can get! It's even worse since I've stopped self harming! I am 89 days cut free now. That is almost half way to my six-month target! Cutting used to be such a release for me, it helped me so much and now that I don't have that release I find it difficult to vent things such as anger. 

By the time I got home, I couldn't think straight. That is the worst part of my anger. My mind goes funny and I can't gather my thoughts properly, then I become paranoid. I think that everyone is pointing and laughing at me. I feel like everyone is against me, willing me to fail or make a fool of myself. That in turn makes my anger worse and it is like a vicious circle. The more angry I get the more paranoid I become and the more that makes me angry! 

Paranoia is such a debilitating feeling just on it's own. When coupled with anger, it's pretty nasty! I tried the usual things, chanting my mantra NAM MYOHO RENGE KYO, I tried listening to music that lifts me, dancey music, silly music. Nothing worked. 

The thing is, with my anger, it's the little things that really tick me off! Like now for example, as I lie here writing my blog, my trackpad on my laptop keeps going weird. It's been like this for a while now and it makes my blood boil! If something big happens it doesn't bother me so much. Like my first day at uni, there was a road traffic accident and the whole of Vauxhall bus/train station was closed off and I had no idea how to get to where I was going. I wasn't angry. I was anxious about being late, anxious about getting lost but not angry. As I sit here writing my blog my Mr Aussie is asleep next to me. He snores VERY loud. It's not his fault I know that. I try to nudge him to make him stop and he does for a few seconds but then he starts all over again and I just find myself wanting to smother him with a pillow! 

It's not his fault that I feel this anger. It's me! I just wish I knew how to control it better as I know perfectly well what I'm capable of when pushed to my absolute limit! I was in an abusive relationship some time ago and he pushed me so far that I almost killed him! I didn't like how that felt. I turned to drugs and alcohol to blot out what I'd very nearly willingly done. I don't want to get to that point ever again! 

I have tried a lot of things to channel my anger. I love crafting. I try meditating. I go for walks. I read. Listen to music. All of these things are great for diffusing tension but in the heat of the moment I simply cannot control my rage and I just explode! I wish I knew where this inability to express anger in a healthy way began. I was always a very angry person, even in childhood as far as I can recall. I would get angered by silly little things as a child which was so strange given that I was such a calm child! Even when I was being beaten and bullied at school I never got angry...! 

Anyway, I have to end my blog here as I can feel my anxiety welling up. It's 2:19am and I have to go to uni tomorrow! Time to put in my ear plugs and try very hard to go to sleep!!  Again, I apologise for my incoherence but I needed to write in order to clear my head before I attemted to sleep!! 

Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day! 

Keep Smiling :): 

Where are we going??

BLOG STARTS HERE 


I haven't been around for a while, I've been all over the place! Do you ever feel like you've been going round in circles for such a long time? No matter what you do you always end up at the same place?

This is how I've been feeling lately! I'm trying to make slow steady changes in my life to help myself get better but I always end up right back where I started.

It's incredibly hard to break bad habits. No matter how much we realise these habits are bad we still have this need to keep them up. These are addictions...! Also, why is it we can give advice to people but we can't seem to take it for ourselves? Do we feel we're not worthy? I do!

Just recently, I wrote a programme for people who suffer self-injurious behaviour as a project for university. I got very good feedback on this. It's something I know a lot about having been injuring myself for more than 15 years.

However, I cannot seem to take these things on board for myself. I'm still being pushed to the bottom of the pile with my CMHT as I'm not a "risk". What am I supposed to do? I want to get the help that I know that I need, I don't want to have to be sectioned in order to obtain this help but I'm not enough of a risk?!

I'm not just asking for help! I'm screaming and crying for it! I know that I need help, I accept this now more than I ever have in my life but I'm simply not a priority!! What if I were to hospitalise myself? Well, It'd affect my job, I wouldn't be able to work therefore I wouldn't be able to pay my bills at home. My flatmates may then feel a certain sense of responsibility for me, my family and friends would ask why didn't I come to them for help. I'd likely be forced to take medication... It'd disrupt the entire facade that I have worked for many years to build.

Image source

Things have been incredibly difficult for me recently. Those of you who "know" me well will know that I am a student at university. My last semester was terrible. I was completely unable to get my work done to a standard I know I'm more than capable of. Why could I not do this? I simply could not be bothered! Now I know that is a terrible excuse but it's true nonetheless! I have been incredibly bored with my second year of uni and when I am bored I find it difficult to make any sort of effort!

You may also know that I am involved in a new relationship.

It was difficult for me to accept that someone would actually be interested in me enough to date me and to actually love me after my track record recently! I haven't had a good run of it let's just say that. However, Mr Aussie is different. I don't know why, I can't really explain it. He's younger than me and that makes things quite difficult as I forget that there is a 6 year age gap. I also forget that I have WAY more life experience than many 28 year old women I know. I guess he understands me in a way not many people can. You see, both of his parent have some form of mental health issues. It's not my place to go into detail about his family life but he has lived with it and seems to understand it much better.

 

Many people don't understand mental illness. There are a number of reasons for this but I suspect that the main reason is ignorance. We live in such a world that everyone ought to know at least a little about mental health issues since it is so prevalent in society these days. However, I'm ashamed to say that many of my fellow humans are simply ignorant to mental illness. I understand that they may not have been taught about mental health as such and that is ok, it's not that which I find frustrating. It's people who believe things they read in the media about mental health . Like we're all dangerous, we're all crazy, we'd kill you if we just had a knife to hand... None of this is strictly true! Yes, there are mentally unwell people who HAVE killed people, who ARE dangerous but the two are NOT synonymous!

I was on the tram the other morning heading to university when I overheard a conversation between two women with children:

Woman 1: "Oh yeah he has a mental disorder, he's a psycho"

Woman 2: "That's not good, you shouldn't let him near your kids he'd probably kill one of them or something"

Woman 1: "Yeah they're all the same, they're all fucking crazy"

At this point I tuned out what they were saying lest I went over and smashed one of them in the face!!

Ignorance is not and will never be blissful. It is incredibly dangerous to be so ignorant.

Another conversation I had to fight to keep out of was one on Facebook between a friend of mine and a friend of theirs who I didn't know:

K: "Yeah she cuts herself all the time"

S: "OMG why would she do that?"

K: "Cos she's a fuckin attention whore!"

S: "Stupid cow does she think that anyone would give a shit if she killed herself?"

K: "I know yeah, the world would be a better place without her ugly ass face anyway LOL"

S "LOL"

I can scarcely believe that people hold such beliefs!!

I had a bit of an awkward moment at uni on Tuesday. Some of you may have seen the scar that I have on my right forearm. It is from a burn that I inflicted upon myself in a manic state. One of my uni colleagues asked me about it:

Her: "What's that scar on your arm?"

Me: *Trying to cover scar* "Oh, it's nothing"

Her: "It looks really bad"

Me: "Yeah it was, it's fine now though, it happened last year"

Her: "How did you do it?"

Me: "Oh, I don't really want to talk about it"

It's so difficult to try and explain my self injurious behaviour to people because I don't believe you can really fully understand it until you have been through it yourself. It is scientifically proven that self harm actually helps sufferers with Borderline Personality Disorder as can be seen in this article here.

It's hard to know where to go with my blog at the moment. I'm not really in much of a fit state to continue to write it regularly however, I don't want to shut it down as I know it is of benefit to me as well as others. I did have more stuff to write but my head is a little bit of a mess at the moment so I'll end it here and try to get back as soon as possible. 

Keep Smiling :(: 

Happy New Year

BLOG STARTS HERE

WARNING: CONTAINS CONTENT ABOUT AND IMAGES OF SELF HARM 

Hello everyone.

Sorry that I haven't been around much but I have been taking a step back from things for a while to smooth my life over. I have also moved house since my last blog and become another year older. I also celebrated another year of living in London!

I hope everyone enjoyed the festive season. I tend to struggle with Christmas.

I think that a lot of people find the Winter months particularly distressing what with the weather and all but for me, it's specifically Christmas time.

It's difficult for me to imagine a 'perfect Christmas'. In fact, I doubt such a thing even exists.

It's really difficult to explain why I find Christmas so difficult. It's not like I've always had awful Christmas holidays. They've not exactly been the best, especially throughout my childhood, but they've given me some fond memories to say the least!

Anyway, there is a particularly distressing issue that has come to light and I wanted to talk about it.

Who has heard about the "cut4justin, cut4bieber" 'campaign'? It seems this was some sort of hoax created on 4Chan encouraging "Beliebers" to self harm in order to stop Justin Bieber from smoking cannabis. Now, I'm all for campaigns and whatnot and I believe that people who are supposed to be role models to the youth of today ought to take into consideration what their actions that are caught in the media might do to those who look up to them but this is TOO FAR! 

Self harm/self injury is a very serious sickness and people using it as a 'joke' to troll the internet with need some serious help! 

I have seen many Twitter posts about this 'trend' and there are several groups on Facebook dedicated to the subject.

It is difficult to know where to lay the blame for this really. Justin Bieber is his own person and ought to be able to smoke cannabis if he pleases. However, if he wishes to be a role model then he ought to do these things behind closed doors! Whoever is responsible for the hoax to start with should be very ashamed of themselves. Yes it may well have been a joke but young people can be incredibly impressionable and may end up self harming or worse. Furthermore, regular Twitter users who happen to self harm could well be triggered by seeing these images floating around. I have to admit, some of them were incredibly graphic! Others, not so much!! 

I don't believe in censorship of the internet because I believe in free speech but I find all of this quite disturbing! 

Another thing that caught my attention this week was the story about depression in footballers. I'm not so sure where I stand on this. Depression is rife the whole world over however, most people hide it well and never have it diagnosed. I wrote a blog in December in relation to the suicide of Gary Speed. A lot of people have hit out over this report with comments such as; "Oh yes, I earn £100,000 a week. Why wouldn't I be depressed" and so on. Let me just say this; money has nothing to do with it. People WITH money can be just as depressed as those without. In fact, it could be argued that they may suffer worse.

Surely everyone has heard that Beatles song? "I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love"? This is very true. Money cannot buy you love. Yes it may give you financial security, everything you have ever wanted in life but it truly cannot but you love and even if you WERE in a loving relationship with someone who says they are not with you for your money, how can you be sure?

You could be richer than Midas but miserable as sin if you don't have the love of people to support you.

Today I am 49 days cut free. I managed to make it to to 45 but the day after my birthday I slipped and went back to the beginning. I had very severe withdrawal which included hallucinations both auditory and visual. At the moment, I am seemingly stable aside from the lack of sleep and I am hoping that things continue in that way. My scars seem to be healing nicely as you can see and as well as my tattoo that I want to get when I reach 6 months, my Aunty's husband has promised he will take me to a Liverpool/Everton derby game at Anfield!! 

I gave up on quitting smoking for the time being as I feel I may have been trying too much! The next issue I need to tackle is my weight. I am currently around 75kg and when I look at myself in the mirror I very much dislike what I see.  It's not that I want to lose weight as such, I just need to tone up several problem areas such as my stomach! 

I used to have an hourglass figure which disappeared over the years due to sheer laziness and I have been back and forth with my weight for about 7 years. My previous long term partner made me feel very self conscious about my weight and at one point I became so obsessed I was going to the gym 6 days a week for 3 hours a day!! 

I am still looking for people to add to my True Life Stories section as well as my Other Blogs section so if you have anything to add here then give me a shout in the usual manner! 

I will try and get back to more regular blogging soon but until next time,

Keep Smiling :): 

Withdrawal

BLOG STARTS HERE

I need to talk about withdrawal. I'm not talking about medication here but something else.

Today I am 38 days cut free. I thought this was a good thing. In the short term, this really is great. It is the longest I have been. It is a step closer to my goal, my scars are healing up nicely and who knows, by the Summer I may be able to wear skirts/shorts again without several pairs of tights.

So, you want to know what the problem is? WITHDRAWAL! That's right. I'm suffering from withdrawal from cutting. How is that possible you might ask? Let me explain it to you; for me, cutting has been like a drug. When I cut, I feel a euphoric rush of adrenaline. I feel better, I feel freer, my mind feels clearer. Suddenly, I've stopped cutting and now I can't find that euphoria. I have no release. No adrenaline rush... That, my friends, is withdrawal!

I have started having visions/hallucinations/flashbacks, I can't sleep properly, my motor control is suffering, I'm hearing voices, I'm feeling angry and irritable all the time. I haven't started lashing out yet but I know I will. I don't want to but that's what happens.

Before I was cutting I was a very angry person. I was in a very violent relationship and my outlet was aggression. I would punch walls, smash things, break things and eventually, I almost killed my ex partner! He was a bully. He would tell me how to dress, how to act, what to like, what to eat... He checked my emails and text messages and I couldn't leave the house without him. If I did anything that displeased him, he'd hit me. He was very clever with this. He wouldn't hit me where bruises might be visible. If by chance a bruise WAS visible, he'd tell me what to wear in order to cover it up. Also, I'm quite thick skinned so I don't bruise easily, this worked to his advantage.

Things came to a head one June afternoon in 2006. I remember the day as clear as if it was yesterday. It was in the midst of the 2006 World Cup and my mum's birthday was approaching. I had received a compensation cheque for an injury I'd sustained some years earlier. With this cheque I was going to go shopping and buy my mum a birthday present. I'd gone to the bathroom to take a shower and I took my phone with me so I could listen to my music. My ex, A, came to the bathroom and tried to open the door. It was locked. Since it was just the two of us living together, we didn't tend to bother with locking doors. This obviously angered A and he started pounding on the door. I simply ignored him and continued to shower. I could hear him thumping and kicking at the door. I knew he'd hit me for this so I continued my shower regardless. I got dressed at a leisurely pace and exited the bathroom. He was stood outside the door waiting. I could see the anger in his face and I simply ignored him and walked past him. He started to shout accusations at me. I'd taken my phone with me to make secret calls, I was sending dirty pictures to other men, I was performing sex acts via video call for other men. This was his reasoning for me locking the door. All of which were false.

I continued to ignore him and he pulled me by my hair and shoved me against the wall. My head hit the wall and I simply saw red. I lunged at him and grabbed him by the throat. I pushed him up against the opposite wall, I'd somehow gathered enough strength to lift him clean off the ground. His face was turning a deep purple and his eyes were bulging. I hissed at him; "If you ever touch me again I will fucking kill you." All the while my grip was tightening around his throat. His eyes were watering and bloodshot. He was drooling and his breath was shallow and raspy. Suddenly, I realised what I was doing and I let him go. He slid to the floor choking,retching, crying and gasping for air.  In that moment I grabbed my bag and ran from the house.


I have neither before nor since been so violent towards another person. I almost killed him. I knew that and I didn't care.

After I left A, I spent 2 weeks in a drug and alcohol filled haze before returning to London to try and restore my life.

The intervening years between then and now are somewhat hazy but at some point my self harm started again. It was on and off for a length of time until about 3 years ago or so when it became a regular thing again.

Does it make more sense now? How I'm actually suffering withdrawal??

So, what do I do?! I'm trying very hard to simply push through. I know that relapses happen often in the withdrawal period. I've tried snapping an elastic band against my wrist. I have also tried distraction methods. I'm trying to talk to my Mr Aussie about things but it's so difficult. I don't want him to suffer because of my suffering and I know that depression can be "contagious" in this manner. Given that he is younger than me, I worry about the effect my problems will have on him. Furthermore, he has grown up around depression and mental illness and therefore he is more predisposed to suffering himself.

I have reached out to a service I believe may be of help to me but right now I feel like I'm wading through thick mud and getting nowhere fast!

I would be interested to hear if anyone else has suffered this kind of withdrawal with self harm and how they managed to overcome it.

Until next time,

Keep Smiling :):

Triggers

BLOG STARTS HERE


I have been asked a few times now what a 'trigger' is.

Triggers can mean different things for different people. It could be a film, a word, a picture... Sometimes, we don't even know what has triggered us. Either way, it often works in the same manner. You see/hear/experience something that shifts your mood. Oftentimes, with myself, triggers shift me from good to bad but they can go the other way too. From good to manic.

It is often difficult for me to be aware of what has triggered me. More often than not I don't actually know what has triggered me unless I specifically think about it (which I want to avoid doing if I want to change my state of mind!)

Yesterday I watched a film that triggered me slightly. You may have heard of it, it's called Boys Don't Cry and stars Hillary Swank.  It's about a young girl, Teena Brandon, who suffers a gender identity crisis and tries to live her life as a boy. Unfortunately, this is actually based on a true story. 

The main topic of the film isn't what left me feeling triggered. It was several side themes - bullying, self harm, having to live your life as someone else.

Another film that triggers me is Pink Floyd's The Wall. I have actually seen this film several times and I really enjoy watching it since I am a Pink Floyd fan. I don't think though that I have yet managed to watch it and NOT be affected.

I imagine you want to know why I would watch things that I know could trigger me? Well, the answer is simple! I don't want to lead a sheltered life, I don't want to be wrapped in cotton wool, hidden from the darkness that is prevalent in everyday society. Besides, if it's not a film that triggers me it could quite easily be something that I would encounter in everyday life. Seeing a knife in my kitchen, a razor blade in my bathroom, a song that I've heard a thousand times, someone mentioning the words "cut", "scar", "alone"... I could go on but the list would be endless. So, you see, I cannot really avoid triggers. 

I'm not saying I actively seek to be triggered though. That is not my intention at all. By watching The Wall several times I am not trying to trigger myself. I am simply enjoying music by an artist I love in a visual format. Also, I want to be able to understand the journey that 'Pink' is on as it's not dissimilar to my own journey and, indeed, the journey that anyone suffering mental anguish is on.

Using my Facebook page to communicate with other sufferers often also triggers me. I try to accept as many people as I can on my page but I do seem to pick up people who trigger me a lot. I self harm and yes, I load my pictures onto my Facebook page. I don't do this for attention, despite what many people say. I do this so that I can actively keep an eye on myself, also there are people on my page who like to keep an eye on me too. The album itself has a trigger warning on it and I always delete the pictures from my news feed so that it doesn't show up on other people's pages. Some simply aren't so considerate. 

Some people say they understand how I feel. They say that they know what I'm going through. 

I'm not saying that NO ONE understands or that I am the ONLY person suffering such things but there are many people who come across my Facebook page and try and put themselves in my shoes. I also encounter people in my day-to-day life who say the same. They may have felt a little bit of depression, they may have had a little upset and felt like perhaps they wanted to end their lives in a fit of rage or whatever emotions "normal" people feel. This is most certainly something that triggers me more than many things. I don't ever ask for sympathy for what I am going though, it's my experience, it belongs to me. I share my experiences to help others but I would never say to another sufferer "I know how you feel" because even if we're going through the same things, I DON'T know how they're feeling. People deal with issues in different ways. No two people suffer the same traumas in the same manner.

Today, I am 30 days cut free! 

WOOP!! 

Two weeks ago, I had a fight with my new boyfriend, it was a silly thing which I was mostly to blame for. We'd had a nice evening out with some of my friends but we went to a place where there were demons for me which I mistakenly thought I was ready to face. Unfortunately, this triggered me quite badly. I hadn't managed to explain this to Mr Aussie as I tend to bury my head in the sand and pretend things aren't happening.

The thing is, you may try to run from your problems but they will ALWAYS follow you and mine did! We'd finished out night out, me being my typical moody self and went back to where Mr Aussie lives. We had a bit of fun and a few laughs on the journey back to his but when we got into the cab things changed. I'm quite a domineering person in a relationship. Don't think BDSM and bondage... I just like to be in control. That way I don't get hurt as bad (or so is my intention!). Mr Aussie is of a similar personality and did or said something that pissed me off, I can't quite remember what it was and frankly, I don't think it was even that bad. However, I had 2 options, fight or flight! I didn't want to fight him so I ran!

I don't know the area where Mr Aussie lives very well so he was, of course, concerned but when I run I need to be alone. Again, I hadn't really explained about this to him so his reaction was normal. 

I just walked and ended up by a small brook. I find water very peaceful for some reason so I just sat there watching it rushing over the stones, watching the fish swimming and wishing I was one of them. At some point, I remembered I had a razor blade in my purse. I'm not sure why I carried it with me as I would never cut myself when I'm out and about. Mr Aussie was calling/texting me but I kept ignoring him. I took the blade out of my purse and started mindlessly playing with it. Next thing I heard Mr Aussie calling out my name. I still didn't want to see him so I ignored him then he appeared on the other side of the brook. He couldn't figure out a way around so he simply walked through the water to reach me! 

I was still angry so I didn't care that he'd done that. I didn't care how worried he was about me, I just wanted to be on my own! He tried to talk to me but I ignored him. He then must have noticed I had a blade in my hand so obviously he was concerned, he didn't say anything to me but I could hear him muttering and fretting behind me. That just made me angrier at him so I just continued to sit, watching the water, playing with the blade and wishing I was one of those fish just carefree in the water.

Eventually, I managed to arouse myself, I realised what I was doing to Mr Aussie and simply threw the blade into the water and watched it sink. In that split second as I watched it go, I wanted more than anything to jump in after it but I let it go. It doesn't sound like much but that for me was a very big achievement! I then got up and silently followed him back to his.

When we got back to his, I noticed his hand was somewhat bruised and swollen. In his panic looking for me he'd punched something! We'd already had a discussion about this. This was self harm. The same as me cutting myself. We spoke about things and I explained to him why I ran and how it is something that I do often and if he wants to be with me it's simply something that he has to get used to. This may sound selfish but I'd rather run away than get into a physical fight with him.

The thing is, I love Mr Aussie so I know I need to change to make our relationship work. We both need to make changes and hopefully we'll get through these times together. Being 30 days cut free is a HUGE achievement for me and is the longest I've been since I started cutting again whenever it was!! 

So these are the things that I go through when I'm feeling triggered. I'd like to hear about other people's triggers and how other people deal with them.

Until next time,

Keep Smiling :):