Whirlwind!

Wow I can't actually believe it has been so long since I blogged last!!

My last blog was before I switched my meds and BOY has a lot gone on since!! I'm not going to go into too much detail because first of all, it's all a little scary and second of all, I'm off to temple in half an hour!!

The past month for me has been an uphill battle! I have been a little all over the place with everything and it's most likely due to my medication switchover.

I was on a lower dose of Citalopram for 2 weeks if I remember rightly and that really knocked me for six! Despite Citalopram having no apparent effect on my wellbeing it was obviously doing something to my Mirtazapine I had the WORST case of vertigo!! I've suffered mild vertigo in the past and I have a fear of heights but this was shocking! All I had to do was look in a different direction too quickly with my eyes and it would cause my head to swim and for the worst wave of nausea to wash over me!! 

The other side effect I seem to have had is I forget words. Simple everyday words that I use in conversation a lot just disappear from my brain! I think it's a bit too soon to see what effects it has had on my mood.

I think the past few weeks have been a bit too crazy in order for me to see if the meds are actually helping! There was a HUGE family bust up with really caused me a lot of emotional trauma and a fight with a friend that made things seem even worse! To top it all off, I split with my new boyfriend after he did something totally unforgivable and got involved with someone else who rejected me on the basis of my illness. That one hit me the hardest! I'd not known him that long but there was a certain connection between us, we had a LOT in common, more than I'd ever had with one single person in my entire life in fact!

I met him at a friend's birthday and we hit it off right away. He then texted me endlessly for 2 weeks. He seemed to like me as much as I liked him and so we decided that we ought to spend some time together to get to know one another, he came from his home town to visit me in my home town and we got along famously, we went and enjoyed the football together, laughed at the same misfortunes someone else was suffering, enjoyed pizza and a chat with a very nice single mother and her daughter. I was feeling rather good about the whole thing. You would have thought though by now that I would have learned that when things SEEM too good to be true, they usually are!! After our lovely afternoon of football, beer, pizza and laughs we headed back to my place. He was really tired when we got back which was understandable given that he'd driven for 14 hours the previous night so it was forgivable. Somehow though I took this a little too personally and it made me feel quite edgy for reasons I cannot explain. When I feel like that it's best for me to remove myself from the situation so whilst he slept I decided to go to the shop. When I got back I was actually feeling much worse and he was awake. He asked if I was feeling ok but I couldn't find the words to communicate with him.

From that point I can't actually remember the events that followed but I know that in the end we decided to watch a film together and both of us fell asleep.

When I woke up the next morning I had a very big anxiety attack. I couldn't think straight and it resulted in me having a very large and unbearable panic attack! I'd gone to the shop and when I arrived back he was awake and was telling me I looked rather flushed. He found this amusing. Of course he wasn't to know about why I was having a panic attack but his laughing made me feel even worse. I decided there and then that I had to get out of London for a few days otherwise I would have a rather large melt down! 

I asked him if I could accompany him in the drive back to his hometown which is incidentally the same place I grew up so I could stay with friends and family and he said yes. The drive home was rather awkward and after he dropped me at my friend's place he ceased communication with me! I stayed at home for 5 days which I think was a big mistake!! I ended up having my heart broken by a guy I have realised I may have loved for more than 10 years! 

Saying that though, I did have a fantastic time with two of my oldest and closest friends! 

So now I'm trying to straighten my head out a little and get back on the right path. I'm coming to the end of my final year at uni which has kind of hit me hard but hopefully things will improve once I move and get myself properly settled! 

I had been toying with the idea of "coming out" to my boss but I have decided not to tell her anything. I took advice from all my wonderful Facebook friends so thanks guys!! 

I have started to attend a Buddhist temple to learn meditation which so far is going good. I am hoping it will help me balance my mind a bit better.

There is a lot more I could write but I'm a little out of sorts with my writing recently! I'm hoping I'll be back regularly blogging again soon!! 

Keep Smiling :(:

Next step...

Doctor's appointment today. I finally got my meds switched after 2 months of no progress on Citalopram. Here's hoping these will make a difference.  I have to wean myself off the Citalopram first. I'm not looking forward to the next two weeks really...!!

I have also been told to give CBT a try. I'm simply not ready for psychotherapy at the moment no matter how much the doc insists it will help!! I don't get why she can't understand that, it seems simple to me, I have to be in a good place in my life before I can dive into the depths of my dark and disturbed mind and I'm just not there yet.

I've had a look at the side effects of Mirtazapine and if I'm honest it doesn't sound great! After all, I already have the lucid dreams and the nightmares. I have weight issues too so I'm not happy about that. I guess I will just see how things go.

The last few weeks at uni we have been studying atypical development which has been quite difficult, yesterday's lecture was about depression and the medication used to treat depression and I felt so bad listening to them tell the whole class about how I feel. I know it wasn't aimed at me and very few people know about my problems but I still felt like there was a spotlight on me and my whole experience was being played out on the whiteboard.

I have, however, learned a few interesting things about atypical development and how it affects individuals and it's good to see that how I'm feeling is pretty "normal" in people with these range of issues.

I'm now awaiting a response from my pdoc to see if she will write a letter for me for uni otherwise I won;t be able to get help which I think is so unfair! The resources available to us is very limited. If I had a physical ailment it would be different! 

I have to say though, despite my troubles at the moment I have a great little group of friends who keep me on an even plateau and it's really great. I like to goof about and it's well received amongst my peers!! My social anxieties have all but disappeared now too. I'm finding it easier to conduct myself in social situations. After almost 4 years of my ex repressing my goofiness and my outward personality I am finally coming back round to being ME again and it makes me feel happy! the past few days I've laughed so much and it's true what the say that laughter is the best medicine. (Even the stomach aches are worth it!!)

I think today my writing is slightly more coherent. When I read over my last blog it just made no sense to me but I'm glad my readers could decipher it!! 

Keep Smiling!! :): 

On the edge

I've been meaning to write a blog for a while now but things have been very busy!!

I had a friend stay over at the end of February and we had such a great time together!! She is such a wonderful person and we always have the best times.

Whilst she was here I had another doctor's visit. I had a list as long as my arm of things that I needed to speak with her about.

I'm really beginning to get fed up of the doctors now!  I told her about all of the things I've been suffering from since taking the medication and she simply replies with "there's no way to know if the side effects are from your medication or your current state of mind".

Well FUCK ME! That's so fucking useful! Thanks doc!

I don't know why I even bother!  I'm certainly not feeling any better that's for sure! 

"Just take them a little longer" she says to me. Well Doc... If I take them much longer and continue with these side effects I'm gonna go all PSYCHO on your ass! 

She gave me some sleeping pills to try and help me sleep and guess what...? They don't work!! Wonderful! They taste DISGUSTING and make me retch!! I told her about my fears of taking sleeping pills (accidental overdose) and she told me to just take half, which I did, and nothing! I went to sleep at 11:30pm. I woke at 1:00am, 3:00am, 5:00am and then I just gave up.

The same day I had an appointment at uni to try and get the extra help I need. It went really well. The people in the student support team are actually great. They were very understanding and told me all the possible outcomes. I just have to fill in some paperwork. They also told me I need a letter from my doctor describing the effects of my medication. I thought this was going to be simple. Oh how silly I am, to actually believe that ANY part of this process would be simple! The university gave me a letter to give to the doctors and they have informed me that it will cost £60 for a letter! 

ARE YOU ACTUALLY FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?! £60 FOR A PIECE OF FUCKING PAPER?! 

I mean SERIOUSLY! I'm a student damn it! I struggle enough as it is just to make rent and feed myself! Where am I supposed to find a spare £60 for a piece of fucking paper?!

I thought this whole process would be relatively easy. I thought I would just have to sign a few papers, have an assessment and BOOM job done. But no, of course not, nothing is that damn simple! I'm trying so hard to make things right in my life. I don't want to sit by and bitch about how terrible things are without first trying to fix them.

WOW! Rant over! I apologise for that. This has been building up inside me for a while now. I've been feeling like I'm gonna explode and I guess it's best to do it here than on some poor unsuspecting friend! 

I'm cutting still and not feeling anything but I'm still doing it. I'm just hanging on to the hope that one of the cuts will give me some sort of feeling. Pain, anger, release, happiness... anything will do! 

All of that aside, I seem to have found myself stuck in a new drama. I genuinely don't know how these situations find me.

I have some great friends at uni. Male and female. Most of my close friends know that I went through a really truly rotten break up in October that almost killed me. However, one of these 'wonderful' friends does not seem to realise the effect this has had upon me and still has upon me daily.

He's a really nice guy, you know, one you can talk to and just be yourself with. I like to hang out with him. We'd spoken about my break up and how it will be a VERY long time before I could even consider thinking about letting another person close to me. However, it seems he has fallen for me! DAMN IT! He knew the situation and I did not in any way lead him on. We have spent quite a bit of time together just as I have with my other friends but it seems he has read FAR too much into it. He's younger than me which I know should not be a problem but even if I hadn't been through such a horrific break up I don't think he would me by guy of choice. I just know that a relationship with him would be nothing but a disaster. I've been there before with a guy just the same.

I know what I like in a partner. Male or female. I know the qualities I look for and although he has some of them he just doesn't quite fit the bill. I tried to explain that him with his problems and me with mine just wouldn't make a good combination but he doesn't seem to see it like that! Just because we've spent some time together it doesn't make a relationship.

All that aside, I have to say I think I might just give up my meds. They're really affecting my grades at uni. I don't care what the doctor says, whether it's my state of mind or the meds, I've only been like this since taking the meds! 

Also, we've been studying mental health recently on my course and I have to say, there are so many obnoxious and uneducated people around me!! I thought people who wanted to study psychology had at least some basic grasp of how these things work and what they do to people but apparently not! I hate sitting there and listening to people blather on about things they know nothing about! They present their idea as a fact and don't bother to back it up!

We all have opinions about everything in life, of course we do and everyone is entitled to share those opinions. However, you can't share an opinion and make it out to be a fact. Nor can you share an opinion without backing it up or simply by saying "I just know". I mean pur-lease! I know a lot of things about how my illness affects me yet I still only believe it to be my opinion. I know what I am going through and I know how things have changed or not changed since taking medication but I don't know that it's a fact. I know that I believe it to be down to my medication but it may actually just be down to my mindset. Everyone knows that medication has as much a psychological effect on the body as well as a physiological effect.

The mind is a very powerful tool and it has the ability to make or break a person! 

Anyway, I'm not feeling particularly happy about blogging today. I just don't know what I'm doing or saying half of the time and I feel like I'm wading through some thick soup! 

I feel like everything I am trying to say is just rushing out like word-vomit and nothing is coherent so I will end it here.

Keep Smiling :(: 

I need to feel...

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Since my last blog, I have been trying to feel. Pleasure, pain, happiness, sadness, emptiness, hungry, full... none of it is working.

I don't like this, it makes me very edgy! 

I don't think I've ever been so devoid of anything.

I can get by faking it for those who matter to me but it's not something I want to do. I want to be able to feel something.

I don't know if it's the meds that I'm taking that are doing this to me or if I am slowly heading for a breakdown again. I jut feel so lost.

It's so horrid when you lose someone who was such an integral part of your life. Especially when you thought you meant something to them too and they just cut you off with no explanation whatsoever.

I'm still rambly and not making much sense. Not just in my blog but in general too! 

I went out with a friend last Friday and I had only had 2 drinks and I was slurring like crazy it was so horrid!! I think he thought I was drunk and he found it amusing. I was so embarrassed!! 

I know what my drink limits are and I know how much alcohol it takes to affect me! Even now, as I am typing, I can hear what I'm typing in my head and the 'voice' is slurring!

Another issue I'm suffering with a lot more than usual is number transposition. I have always suffered with this to some extent but it seems to be increasing! Also, mistyping words!

I imagine some of this can be boiled down to my lack of sleep recently! I've always had sleep issues but it's getting much worse! I'm almost afraid to go to sleep because of the dreams I've been having! 

I think I need a holiday! A complete break away from everything! I know it's silly but I miss my ex so damned much and knowing he doesn't care doodly squat makes it so much worse! Even if I can get away from here for a bit I can't ever get away from him, everything I do has undertones of him to it. Everything I am and everything I will become can be justified by something that he has done for me and it's so DAMNED unfair!

I need to find the old me and bring her back... trouble is, I don't know who she is any more! 

I cut myself again this week. I had managed to hold out for such a long time but this whole lack of feeling has been driving me crazy! I needed to feel something and when I cut... nothing!  No pain, no release, not even the shame of relapsing! 

I have this feeling like I just want to climb out of myself and into someone else... that's weird right?! 

I had been going along with the idea of checking myself into a psych ward just for some respite if nothing else but I have since changed my mind. I think it may be good for me at some point but I just want to get through uni and do better than I did last semester! I have a docs appointment next week so I will talk to her about how much of a mess I am becoming and hopefully she can fix me right up... (even whilst I'm typing this I know no such thing will happen but a girl can dream!)

Well... I know this blog won't be making much sense so I'll end here and since I can't do it...

Keep Smiling :(: 

http://ataleoftwomes.blogspot.co.uk/2011/06/welcome.html

All Change Please...

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So, I've been on the medication for a while now and until this past week I had not noticed any real changes.

Since my last blog, however, there have been numerous changes and I don't like any of them!

First off, I have been having extremely vivid dreams! Now usually when I dream, either it's blurred nothingness or not (apparently) interesting enough to remember. These dreams are TOTALLY different!!  I wake up and I can still smell the smells from the dream, my heart will be racing, my body clammy, I will still be able to hear the distant sounds around me and I feel like I have not slept a wink!

Now, I have always suffered some sort of sleep issues from as far back as I care to remember, however, I have never experienced anything like this!  

Most of the dreams have been gory in their nature and somewhat disturbing! Given this situation, it goes without saying, I haven't been sleeping particularly well!

My next problem is tremors! Again, this is something I seem to remember always having. Sometimes it's hardly noticeable but on Monday I was in the cafeteria at Uni with some friends and I went to pick up my tea and I split it because I was tremoring so much. I shrugged it off with some nervous laughter and called myself clumsy! I had initially thought the more severe tremors were due to exam nerves and that they would go away. That doesn't seem the case! 

Restlessness comes next! I can't sit still for 5 minutes! I am constantly pacing or twitching or twiddling my thumbs... anything to stop 'the inevitable' from happening. Again, I figured this was down to exam stress and anxiety.

Anxiety is my next problem. I have started to feel really edgy around people. Even those I actually like and, as far as I can tell, actually like me back! I have also had the feeling of someone following me. I have heard footsteps behind me or seen a shadow looking too close for comfort but whenever I turn around, there's no one there!

This leads neatly into my next issue. Voices! Often when I hear footsteps behind me, I hear a voice too. It whispers in my ear. It's really creepy!

I've also been suffering with uni. I am finding it hard to pay attention, I am not feeling motivated and I can't sit still for too long. I am also having trouble writing/typing things. I write numbers in the wrong order, I mis-spell words and I write things that don't make sense!

Finally, I have been having an overpowering urge to cut myself. It's so bizarre. Those of you who read my self harm blog will know that my cutting has been an unconscious act for a very long time now and I only realise I've done it afterwards. So far, I have managed to resist cutting. I allow my cat to bite/scratch me, I have been digging my newly grown nails into my palms and I have been 'chicken scratching' my hand (which I did not realise I was doing until a friend asked if I was ok!). I often get what I believe to be stress rashes and so I scratch unconsciously but this actually left a painful blister type thing!

I don't know if this is all down to the medication or if my mind is simply in overdrive. All I know is I don't like it!!

I guess I will have to have a word with the doctor and see what she says!


I recently read  this article on Yahoo! and I have to say I am horrified!

More stigma to be attached with mental illness! Just what we need! Oh yeah, and other people 'jumping on the band wagon' so they can "have" a mental illness!

Surely this can not be allowed? It is going to create a whole heap of problems and it is also narrowing the gap between 'nomal' and 'abnormal'.

It is perfectly natural, and evolutionarily necessary to fear things, even irrationally! Just look at giant turtles. They fear nothing and they are very slow and live for hundreds of years. They became so slow because they have no predators where they are and have no reason to get away fast!

The DSM 5 is due out next year which will no doubt make diagnoses harder, treatment harder and ultimately make life harder!

Today I made an appointment with the Student Wellbeing team at Uni... wish me luck!! 

I apologise if this blog is particularly rambly or doesn't make much sense!

Keep Smiling :): 

Lost in the system

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I haven't been in the habit of blogging daily most recently. However, I read a news story today that troubled me.

A young gentleman was found dead recently who had apparently been suffering depression for 10 years. Kevin Boyle had told his friends and family about his problems which resulted in him being sectioned and subjected to brutal treatment.

Kevin Boyle is said to be a talented chef who starred alongside TV chef Jamie Oliver (pictured below).

click here to be taken to Kevin's site

This sort of thing troubles me.

There is so much stigma attached to mental illness and in dealing with my own experiences, I hadn't really taken the time to consider how widely the stigma varies. I watch people recoil when I tell them I suffer with depression. I don't exactly offer it as part of a normal conversation but being a student of psychology, the topic of mental health is often openly discussed.  I hadn't really considered that there was more of a stigma that went along with a male being affected with such issues.

I am aware through research that women are more than twice likely as men to suffer with depression. I also know that women are more predisposed to such illnesses. I never once considered how differently something like depression could affect a man.

We've all heard the saying that big boys don't cry. This in itself is a problem. Furthermore, for a man to admit he has depression it must be extremely hard.

You may have read an earlier blog I wrote which contained information about the suicide of Gary Speed. Now, for an 'ordinary' bloke I can imagine coming to terms with a mental issue would be difficult however, in cases like those of Gary Speed (a famous footballer) and Kevin Boyle (a chef) it must have been much harder for them given their 'masculine' choices of careers.

There needs to be a shake up to the mental health system. It needs to be made more accessible and it also needs to advertise mental illness better. It needs to be said OUT LOUD that suffering a mental illness doesn't make you weak. Getting help for a mental illness doesn't make you weak. Showing emotion doesn't make you weak!! 

The mental health system is in a very bad state. Doctors are (as I know from experience) far too quick to throw drugs at these problems. A referral to therapy can take months and that may or may not help! I imagine if I had plenty of money I could seek private help from doctors who would actually listen to me but for now, I, like many others, am becoming lost in the system!

I would love to hear from other male sufferers about their experiences, both through the NHS and private health care (or the alternative for their country).

People need to take a stand and have mental illness RECOGNISED as serious and the stigma needs to be REMOVED forever!! 

Keep Smiling :):

No change - POSSIBLE TRIGGERS

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So I've been on the meds for nearly a month now. I can honestly say I don't feel any different on them. I've had my dosage increased from 10mg to 20mg.

I've gone back to feeling nothingness again. Not entirely sure what's kicked it off this time and I have a feeling it's going to get a whole lot worse!

I've been trying to keep myself busy, socialising and whatnot but it hasn't helped much.

I had a chat with my very close friend K recently. She asked me how I felt. I can be almost completely honest with her. I probably could be 100% honest with her since I doubt she's the kind of person who wouldn't use it against me but I thought that with the ex too....!

Speaking of the ex... yesterday would have been our 4 year anniversary. I've been thinking about it a lot recently. 

I went round to pick up some post a week or so ago and he told me he no longer wanted anything to do with me. I thought after the break up that nothing could hurt me that bad again and boy was I wrong! Had he punched me in the face, stamped on my head, drew a blade across my wrists and poured acid over me... that would have hurt less than him saying he wants nothing to do with me.

You may think I'm being over dramatic but I can assure you I'm not. This guy got right inside my head. He got under my skin! Yeah I'd been in love before but nothing like this. This was a whole different thing! I trusted him, like I've never trusted anyone before. I could tell him things that I couldn't even tell my closest friends. I would say I was about 90% honest with him.

He'd always told me that he'd be here for me if I needed him. Before we ever broke up he'd often said that there's no way we couldn't be friends after separating since we'd been through so much together.

So, judging by this, it was obvious that I was the one who did something wrong. Once again I fucked things up in my own sordid little way!! I wish I knew what it was that I did but I know for sure there's no way he'd ever tell me.

I wish I'd been able to be 100% honest with him. I really do but I can't even be 100% honest with myself!! 

My friend K and I discussed my happiness yesterday. I told her, I honestly couldn't say what being happy feels like. Of course, I've felt happiness to some degree but pure, unadulterated happiness... I have no idea what that feels like or how to even consider going about achieving it! 

I always feel that no matter what I do, what I achieve, none of it is good enough. When you spend your life being put down by everyone around you it's difficult to not believe in what they say to you!! 

I have a big ego...! Anyone who knows me on a personal level can tell you that! However, not many of them can actually tell you that that ego is just a defence mechanism.

I like to act a bigger person that I know I am. Some may call this narcissistic... people fail to see beyond the wall I put up around myself. In all honesty, the reason I act a bigger person and play the "narcissist" is because if I put on this charade AND if I believe in it then other people will believe in it. This to me is like a comfort blanket. I can wrap it around myself like a protective layer. It means I don't have to let anyone in, it means that no one can hurt me. Unfortunately, there are people who manage to penetrate the layer and screw you over anyway! 

On Friday night I wanted to get a good sleep. I was expecting friends over on Saturday and I had to clean my room (a lengthy task!) However, sleep decided to elude me! 

I know how a lot of things we feel in life are psychosomatic and I know that probably the reason I couldn't sleep was because I thought I couldn't sleep!! I tried to distract myself by watching films but my mind kept coming back to the impending 'anniversary'. It's hard not to focus on these things sometimes and the more you try not to think about something the more you seem to think about it!! 

I was starting to feel the usual pressure that I feel in my body when I need to cut. I was feeling a multitude of emotions and I needed to let them out the only way I knew how... cutting!! 

I sat thinking about it for ages! I then took the blade from one of my safety razors. I held it against my skin but I didn't cut. I also had one of my knives, I pressed it into my thumb, causing slight pain but not cutting. Eventually, I fell into an exhausted sleep with both the blade and the knife on my bed! 

I felt proud that I managed not to cut but somehow, I also felt weak. I felt like I'd lost. I'm not sure against what but that's how I felt!! 

I spoke some more with my friend about self actualisation. This is a psychological theory about having an 'ideal self' and an 'actual self'. Many of us have these 'selves' and we go through evens in our lives that either take us closer or further away from our 'ideal self'. I have come to realise that I don't think I can ever achieve my 'ideal self'. Mostly because some of the things I want to become are actually impossible without some kind of lobotomy!! 

However, I have come to realise that maybe it's time to adjust that 'ideal self' and create some goals that I know I can achieve.

I have another doctor's appointment in a few weeks to see how the meds are working. I am hoping they at least have some sort of effect, however minor!! 

Until next time... 

Keep Smiling :(: 

Doctors: Revisited

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As you may know, I went to the docs on 09 January and finally gave in to the medication. Today I had a follow up appointment and have been put on a higher dose of Citalopram. I told her about the lack of sleep and the tremors and typically she put that down to my exams! Yes, it could well be exam related but I've had sleep issues FOREVER!

I guess exam stress gets to us all and I will have to just accept that's why I haven't been sleeping! 

I really HATE it when you make an appointment for a specific time and you're waiting in the waiting room for 30 minutes before being seen yet if you're 5 minutes late they can cancel your appointment! 

I have another appointment in 4 weeks to see how I am progressing.

I have been reasonably happy recently. I've probably been at a 1 or maybe even a 2 on my scale (where zero is just level). I haven't cut in a while too which makes me happy.

usually goes up to 5

I guess the main reason for this is being back around the people at uni. Despite all of my friends being a lot younger than me I feel a great connection to the and it makes me feel good.  I have often had issues with people my own age but I guess that is down to being bullied at school!

I've been missing my ex like crazy though and I'm dreading what would have been our 4 year anniversary next month!

So for the time being, the 10mg Citalopram has done nothing for me and today begins the 20mg. Lets see what happens! 

The Vitamin D supplements I have been taking have had no noticeable effect on me and I haven't taken any in a while. Perhaps I should get back on them? Or maybe if someone could send us some sun...?!

I think maybe sunbeds might be good (obviously not for my skin...) just to get a boost of energy or something! 

I guess for now I will continue to write as TheBipolarKid and perhaps change my name depending on the progression of whatever it is that I have! 

Until next time

Keep Smiling :(: 

The drugs don't work...?

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My doctor finally beat me into submission. I have finally accepted drugs! I can't say I'm overly thrilled with the idea but I figure something's gotta give!

I have also been given yet another diagnosis based on the letters I sent. I now have 'mild Bipolar Disorder and sever Borderline Personality Disorder'.

She didn't seem to take much notice of what was written in my letters. In fact, she completely ignored it all!!

I'm finding it all a bit tedious at the moment. I seem to have gone beyond caring what the f*ck is wrong with me! I just don't care any more!!

I'm losing my will for everything at the moment. I don't know what is causing it but the fact that I have now given in to the doctor's insistence that I take medication... well that just goes to show!

I have been on Citalopram now for a little under a week. I am on the lowest dosage at the moment but I don't feel like it is doing anything except giving me tremors!!

I have also been given beta blockers to control the symptoms of my anxiety which is ok I guess but it doesn't actually help the anxiety any!!

The doc didn't explain how these drugs will help me which seems to be the case. I just get beaten down with "no drug is ever 100%"

I have all but abandoned my Facebook page in recent months. I don't know if I will resume with my old vigour or not but for the time being, I simply don't care!

I seem to have stopped feeling at the moment and it's not a side effect from the medication as I felt this before I started taking it.

I guess maybe this is my comedown from such a great Christmas and New Year. I am trying to stay level but something inside me doesn't want me to be...!

There are more things bothering me about what the doctor has said too.

First of all, she continues to tell me that my problems are mild... MILD?! Seriously, every time she says this I want to go all "American Psycho" on her ass! You know the scene with the chain saw...?

She continues to go on about the fact that I have not been hospitalised therefore my issues aren't so bad...! 

REALLY?! 

Well Doc, come and spend a few minutes inside my head....!! 

She also keeps recommending this thing called the SUN Project. It's some peer support group and it sounds like my WORST nightmare! 

The other thing is therapy. Now, I know for some people, therapy works. For me it doesn't. 

I recently found some of my old 'diary' notes from my therapy sessions... 

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Session 1: Thursday 03 May 2007

"First day and the person I was seeing was late! Ok so it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be although I'm not actually sure what I expected. I guess I kind of thought it would be like you see on TV or read about in books. A big fireplace with dusty books and two easy chairs on opposite sides of the room. In fact, it was quite the opposite. The room was small and plain and very square. There were two chairs (hardly easy chairs) that were close enough to talk but not so close that I felt that my personal space was invaded. There was also a small low table with a box of tissues and a shelf with various leaflets.

The lady I saw seemed quite nice, she didn't push me into answering difficult questions and she was ok with me crying, which I did... a lot! 

It kind of felt weird because I'm not used to people being so accepting. I usually feel like I'm being judged.

I didn't really say much to her, there was a lot to say but she seemed to know most of it already. When I left I actually felt quite good. It wasn't ideal that I had to go back to work but I walked back to give myself a chance to clear my head. I slept so well that I woke up late for work!"

Session 2: Thursday 10 May 2007

"I was nervous before today's session and I didn't get much sleep last night. Today's session was very different from the last one. It seemed that we were just skirting around the issue of ******* and spoke mainly about moving on (My therapy began just after getting out of a relationship). I told her that the future is a scary prospect for me. I think in a way, I don't want to move on because I am in a sort of comfort zone. I can't really explain it.  The doc gave me some stuff to read and recommended some books, one of which I have already purchased.

This evening I have started to feel angry but it is not the usual anger that makes me want to lash out and break stuff, it's different I can't explain!

Oh well! I have 2 weeks until my next session and I am going to do some reading and see what I can do to help myself!"

Session 3: Thursday 24 May 2007 

"I have been feeling really bad this week, really sick and all sorts! Tonight will be the first time I have seen M since the split and I am scared. Most of this session was just talking about M and the break up which was slightly infuriating as my issues came about long before him and I fear will continue long after! I left my session today feeling pretty hopeless!"

Session 4: Thursday 07 June 2007

"An earlier time slot for my session this time, better in a sense since I wasn't sat in work thinking about it but not so great as once I got to work all I could do was think about it! 

Most of today's session was again talking about M and the break up. Pointless really as I had all but resolved the whole thing and it was completely unrelated to my problems. M was simply the one who recommended I get help! 

Also spoke about my violent tendencies and my inability to express emotions properly. Next time we will work on coping techniques.

Another wasted session I feel, the doc now seems to be taking the lead and directing the session so we end up talking about things that are irrelevant such as the break up and my parent's divorce...!"

Session 5: Thursday 28 June 

"Bit of a weird session today. Still very emotional and most of my sessions seem to be talking about M!  I guess the good thing is that it has taken my mind off ******* but now M is all I can think about!

More stuff to read but when I told her I didn't think it would help she just said 'take a read, you might be surprised'! Nothing about coping techniques....!"

Session 6: Thursday 05 July

Talking about coping techniques now. It seems like my main issues has been forgotten. 

It varies between degrees of difficulty to cope with. Sometimes I feel like I am getting somewhere, other times I am right back to square 1! Again I spoke about M. It's been nearly 3 months now and it still really hurts. Still, I guess it's distracting me from the real issue about why I am actually seeking help...!

She writes a lot when I am talking but I never get to see what she has written! I really don't feel like any of this is helping me!"

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For some reason, I only kept a diary for 6 of the 12 sessions I attended but you can see from what I have written that the focus was taken away from my main issue (starred out for personal reasons) and placed on my relationship breakdown!

It seems like I have also left out a lot of the emotions felt whilst I was attending these sessions. I do recall feeling like a weight had been lifted after the first session and admittedly I slept very well that night but it didn't stay that way! 

I had a discussion with one of my closest friends the other day about voices. There is a voice inside my head. It seems as though it has always been there, I don't remember it not being there. It sounds like my own voice only more authoritative. It tells me what to do, what to think, what to say. It even disagrees with me and I have been known to argue with it! Dear oh dear! The men in white coats shall be along soon!! 

Until next time...

Keep smiling :):  

A new year has begun

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I would like to say that this year I had the most fantastic Christmas and New Years EVER!

I am not usually particularly festive and the commercialisation of the holiday season makes me very Scrooge-like!

However, this year, I got to spend Christmas with a very good friend and I was spoilt rotten! I was given lots of presents, I ate until I could eat no more, I laughed, I cried and I shared it all with some special people.

I got to spend an amazing New Year's Eve with 2 of my oldest and greatest friends. We managed to cause all kinds of trouble and danced until our feet hurt!

This year I have set myself some goals that I think will be very achievable. After my heartbreak I read a book called "The Single Girl's To-Do List" and it inspired me and a whole bunch of my friends to make our own lists!

I think EVERYONE should make a list and attempt to stick to it! Keep it simple, choose 10 things you have ALWAYS wanted to do but just haven't got round to it, put it on the list and get it done! 

I am also going to focus on ME and getting ME well again!! 

Here's hoping 2012 is a good one all round!

Keep Smiling :): 

The Punisher

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I have been beating myslf up lately. This is something I do a lot! These days, it barely even registers as a conscious act!

I have ALWAYS hated myself. I guess it stems mostly from my childhood. These things often do!

I never considered myself an attractive youngster! My younger sister is FAR more beautiful than I am. She is what I would call "supermodel" perfect. She is very tall and very slender ( without looking anorexic). She has natural corkscrew curls in her hair. Her face is perfectly angular with high cheekbones and a cute chin. Her lips are like cupid's bow. Am I jealous?? YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM! Nevertheless, I love her. My youngest sister is also very beautiful but in a very different way. She is a bigger girl, not fat by any means but what I would call "stocky". She has gorgeous blue eyes and the same cupid's bow mouth. Her hair is naturally dark blonde and poker straight! She is VERY popular amongst her peers and is never far away from a male admirer! Am I jealous? GOD damn IT YES I AM!

I have always felt inadequate as a human being. My oldest brother used to tease me a lot! I say tease but I mean TORTURE!

He would always call me "Brucie" or "Desperate Dan" on account of my large chin. He would always say "you could crack a pavement with that!" It hurt, a lot more than I care to admit.

He also used to make us (me and sibs) watch horror movies that scared me so much I'd wet the bed!! I also couldn't sleep in the dark,  with a mirror in my room or with any door/drawer open! (I'm proud to say though that I can sleep in the dark, with a mirror in my room and most recently with doors/drawers open). Night terrors are still there though.

I was a very skinny kid! Nothing to do with my food intake because believe me, I ate like a horse!! Anything and everything!! Nevertheless, I never gained weight! I remember going to school this one day and I was wearing some new boots my mum bought me. Since I was quite skinny, the boots didn't quite fit my legs as they should. It wasn't long before the taunting started! They called me "plant pot" and various other things I don't care to remember! I also used to be told not to run in case my ankles snap!!

I took the name calling as I felt I must deserve it. They wouldn't have said it otherwise, surely? It was my first year of high school! I remember a tradition they used to call "first year dig" whereby you would get a slight punch to your upper arm, just for being a first year! I seem to remember my first year digs hurt a lot!

Whenever I was bullied, I never fought back. When I would tell my mum she'd tell me to "hit them back twice as hard"! My dad would say "find the 'leader' and beat him/her up, then the rest will leave you alone"! These have to be the worst bits if advice ever!!

Going back to my younger years, I remember things being said to me like "Are you stupid or something?" and "don't be so stupid!" needless to say, I felt particularly unsmart!

I mentioned in a previous post about banging my head against the wall. For some reason, this has been on my mind a lot recently! I've been having sort of flashbacks to my childhood, seeing myself hitting my head against the wall. I don't recall it hurting too bad but I did have plenty of scrapes, bumps and bruises on my forehead!

I also remember that my mum used to hit me a lot. I remember one particular school morning, she was brushing my hair. She was pulling it very tight and it REALLY hurt! I flinched and the next thing I know, my mum brought the brush crashing down on my head saying "I told you not to move!" Unfortunately for both me and my mum, as she hit me, I moved again and the brush actually caught my face leaving a great big red mark and a series of pinpricks where the bristles were! At school that morning, I told the teacher that my brother had hit me with the brush! They believed this to be true since they knew my brother!

The more I got beat at home and school the more I started shutting myself off and eventually I found it impossible to approach anyone.  This is something I have never really managed to shake off. I still suffer social awkwardness and anxieties and more often than not, I'll stay in rather than go out socialising.

However, last night I managed to shake of a little of that awkwardness. I'd met some people through a friend and managed to make connections and got invited to a party last night. I had asked along a few of my uni friends but no-one was able to come, nevertheless I went anyway and I had a really good time! I felt like I had really achieved something. I sat at the bar alone, I enjoyed the bands alone and I even ate alone. That's not to say I didn't initiate conversations though, I managed to do some good networking and make some exciting new contacts!!

So anyone with social anxieties, don't let these things get the better of you because if I can do it, you can too! 

Keep Smiling :(: