Sunday, 11 December 2011

Unbearable pain

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I have not done too well keeping up with my blog of late. I feel like I have no time for anything at the moment what with uni and work stealing focus.

I'm all but fully moved out of the ex's place now and I'm feeling a little lost and bewildered...!

I started this blog 2 weeks ago and have only just got back to finishing it!!

28 November 2011

What do you imagine to be the worst pain ever? Childbirth? Getting kicked in the nads? Heartbreak?

Imagine losing a loved one. You had no idea anything was wrong. The whole world was their best friend. They were loved, respected, looked up to. Then they're gone. So suddenly. Without warning.

Unfortunately, those of us who suffer with mental illnesses lose people who are close to us all the time and even though it's not necessarily to death, the pain hurts no less.

The weekend just passed, the world mourned the sudden and unexpected suicide of Gary Speed. He was a happily married man with a beautiful wife and 2 beautiful children. He had enjoyed a successful career as a footballer for  Leeds UnitedEvertonNewcastle UnitedBolton Wanderers and Sheffield United and then went on to become the manager of the Wales national team. His wife Louise had said that there had been no arguments in the time before his death and his friends and family claimed that he had not been depressed and had no clue as to why he took his own life.

REST IN PEACE GARY SPEED 8 September 1969 – 27 November 2011

Those who suffer will know that although we have a happily smiling face on the outside, usually we are being eaten alive inside. Depression of all kinds knows no bounds and can tear apart a person with no one even noticing.

In light of Speed's death there have been several footballers coming forward to seek help for their own problems. If anything positive can come of this tragic event it is more people seeking help.

Since I last wrote I had a birthday... Nothing exciting, just another year older! I got some nice gifts from one or two new uni friends and the odd thing from [some] family. However, the best present came a week after my birthday. One of my ex partners who is now one of my greatest friends brought my kitten back to me. Now this may sound like an ordinary gesture of friendship but when you consider that he actually took a 10 hour round trip for the sole purpose of bringing me my kitten using a method of transport that does not allow pets... That's one heck of a gift!! 

I came across a video earlier in the week sent to me by a friend on my Facebook. It was by some kid called Jonah Mowry. It was about being bullied at school for being gay. The video actually made me cry but then I saw some of the comments claiming it was fake so I did a little digging. Turns out this kid is just like a lot of other attention seekers out there!!  I don't doubt that he was bullied for being gay and I imagine it was horrid for him but what he doesn't tell you in his moving little video is how he is a bully too! He has a YouTube channel featuring parody style videos making a mockery of people who are overweight... THAT'S BULLYING!  

Before I knew this kid was also a bully, I made a video response as did many others. After I saw his other videos however, I created my own little video telling a little about me and my struggles.

I didn't make this video for attention (otherwise I would have shown my face) I made it to show others that they are not alone. Jonah's video had around 3 million hits when I watched it. The hit count currently stands at 7,588,469. 

Many of the people who have commented on Jonah's video have said that they felt inspired to tell their own story. I did too. So despite the fact that Jonah himself seems to have bullied others, he has inspired many more to tell of their own trying times and he can only be commended for that.

To that end, I will end my blog here but please, share your story too because you are NOT ALONE!

Keep smiling :):

Saturday, 12 November 2011

Hello Mania my old friend!

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So I got manic this week. It's been a long time since I've felt manic. It was kind of nice but scary at the same time. 

I got the usual feelings of euphoria, feeling like I'm amazing, the best thing ever, feeling totally 110% happy. I decided to use it to my advantage for once and I wrote a letter for my psychiatrist. The only thing is, not only did writing it manage to bring me down from my manic high, when I re-read it I felt it was a one way ticket to Crazyville!! 

One of my friends and one member of my family have also written letters for me. I asked the ex and I'm still waiting for a decent response! I also asked another ex, the guy who first convinced me I needed therapy and he said "I don't know what good it would do, you were always fine when you were with me" Well thanks GENIUS! Why did you recommend I go to therapy in the first place then! 

You know, it's true that when you have a break down it is a sure fire way to find out who your true friends are!! 

The night I got my heart trashed I was on the phone to one of my greatest friends, I was crying my eyes out and I wanted to die. She saved me, she saved my life. 

The following weekend I went home, he was going to a friend's birthday and seemed to have no regards as to how dangerous it would have been to actually leave me alone...! A friend back at home rescued me too. She's a very special friend and I'm not sure she realises quite how special she is.  When we first met, I'll admit, I didn't like her! I thought she was a stuck up cow! Of course, this was jealousy given that she was my boyfriend's best friend but I didn't like her! After the relationship broke down, she stayed friends with me. I wasn't too sure why as I don't think I'd ever been particularly nice to her! She showed me a good time on the Saturday night and I felt like she genuinely wanted me there and she hadn't just invited me out of pity. I know at some point she will read this blog and she already knows that I love her but I want to still extend a high five her way!! *CLICK* 

So anyway, now that I'm "over" my mania I'm not sure what I want to do with the letter I wrote! It was hard to write and even harder to read back and realise what kind of person I truly am!! 

I kind of got knocked of my 'pedestal' with my last blog as someone told me that my blog is likely to cause people to kill themselves so please, allow me just to point something out:


To that end, if YOU think my blog makes people want to kill themselves then DON'T READ IT! I write it for ME and NO ONE ELSE! 

Keep Smiling :(:

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Fighting an uphill battle

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I had an appointment with my GP a few weeks ago to have some blood taken to test for vitamin/nutrient deficiencies. I got my results back Monday and I'm apparently deficient in vitamin D. No explanation as to what vitamin D does to the body (I had to google it!) and no explanation as to how or why this might have happened!

When they called me for my consult they just said to get some supplements from a local chemist or something and that's it! About 10 minutes later the nurse called back and asked me to come in for a face to face consultation with the doctor. I went in tonight and she basically told me NOTHING!

I asked many questions but apparently "We still don't know ourselves what these vitamins do to our bodies." Well... if you're the fucking doctor and cant tell me shit what hope do I have?! 

Also, the doctor I saw last time who was supposed to be speaking with my psychiatrist STILL hasn't spoken to her because she is "difficult to get hold of"!! 

I know... I'll just go to the surgery and take a knife to my wrists and maybe then they'll fucking listen?! 

What do I have to do to MAKE someone listen to me?! Any fucking wonder the statistics for suicide in mental health patients is so high?! 

I'm fortunate (or unfortunate, depends how you view it!) in that I don't cut to kill. I'm actually afraid of death and that's probably part of the reason I haven't yet killed myself! I'm also worried about how it would affect my friends and family! See...? always putting others first! 

Well, until next time,

Keep smiling :): 

Thursday, 20 October 2011

What becomes of the broken hearted?

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In the summer of 1966 Jimmy Ruffin sang:

As I walk this land of broken dreams,
I have visions of many things.
Love's happiness is just an illusion,
Filled with sadness and confusion.

This is how I feel at the moment.  I recently split with my long term partner and I feel very sad and confused.

When it happened, I have to say I felt the lowest I have ever felt in my life. I felt that life could not get any worse and I wanted to die. I took myself off to the park opposite where I live and I walked down to the lake. I had a bottle of vodka and a knife. I imagined myself lay in the lake, drunk from the vodka, my wrists bleeding and I would slowly drown or freeze to death but one person saved me that night. She is my absolute best friend in the world and she may not even realised that she saved my life.

My friends and family have been so very supportive and I cannot thank them enough. A combination of them helping me and working and going to university have kept me going though.

Winston churchill once said "if you're going through hell, keep going". I'm going through hell right now and I'm going to keep going, hard as it might prove to be.

Everyone says that things happen for a reason and this is so very true.

In the same song, Jimmy also sang:

I know I've got to find,
Some kind of peace of mind,
I'll be searching everywhere,
Just to find someone to care.
I'll be looking everyday,
I know I'm gonna find a way.
Nothings gonna stop me now,
I'll find a way somehow.
I'll be searching everywhere...

I hope that I can reach that place some day. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week or even next year but some day.

One day my heart will heal and I'll be able to smile again and mean it. But for now, Keep Smiling for me.  


Monday, 3 October 2011

Shedding a little light...

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I had been writing a lengthy blog to make up for my more than 2 week absence however, I feel this blog must take precedence.

This weekend I went home to see my family. It wasn't as bad as it has often been, nonetheless, it was no less tiring!! I was falling asleep in uni today!

So, why is this blog so important?

Well, as you may already be aware, I have been 'undiagnosed' with Bipolar Disorder and it has deeply troubled me (hence my absence). I have been racking my brains for a way to SHOW the doctor what I have wrong with me! 

I figured if I can find some information about my childhood, perhaps I could shed a little light on things. I appear to have repressed anything before my late teen years!! 

I contacted my school to see if I could obtain copies of my school records. Apparently, I'm just a little too late since the records are destroyed after 10 years. I have also contacted the Social Services in my home town to see if they have any files on me but so far they haven't got back to me. I needed a Plan B!

Today I came up with Plan B.

I figured that my family must know a lot about my childhood that I have either forgotten or repressed. There is one relative who I know I can trust implicitly and is one of the few people who will be able to present me with the COLD HARD TRUTH! My Aunty X! 

I fired off a text to her this morning and she gave me a call. What I learnt in that next hour about myself troubled me deeply!! 

She told me that yes, she remembers that I was a self harmer of sorts form as young as a year old! This in itself is shocking enough but she then went on to detail various accounts for me. I needed to hear these no matter how painful. It would appear that as a child, I would often run out into the streets directly into the path of oncoming vehicles, when bathing, I would often hold myself under the water, when I was criticised in any way I would hit my head repeatedly against walls and quite possibly one of the most disturbing recollections was that I was found in someone's (I don't remember who's she said) garden with a skipping rope wrapped so tightly around my neck that it had to be cut off. She told me that I was with my cousin who the whole family knows to be totally messed up and has inflicted things upon me in the past in a fit of rage or jealousy or whatever. It is unknown as to whether she did this to me or whether I did it myself. Either way, it has deeply disturbed me.

It seems that I was also constantly up and down, my Aunty X described me as black or white, no grey areas!

Unfortunately for my mother, she seemed to be the one blamed for a lot of my troubles but that's because no one realised how much of a selfish, manipulative man my father was! It seems at the time I was simply branded as naughty.

I also often called myself "stupid" and would hit myself repeatedly in the face. I can remember some such incidents and in fact I'm still called stupid to this day. Stupid is one thing that I most certainly not. I have always known I was academically gifted. I was reading from a young age and had such a thirst for knowledge! I was always asking questions and never satisfied with the answers I would always enquire further! 

This weekend my brother said to me "Stop using big words and trying to make yourself sound smart!" This is so typical of my brother and it is not a new torment! I guess I just have to suffer for his inadequacies! 

To that end, I have asked my Aunty X to write a letter for my GP detailing these things from my childhood. Here's hoping I can get things sorted once and for all! Stay tuned for any updayes! 

Keep Smiling :):

Thursday, 15 September 2011

WARNING: Trolls!

Oh dear! It's been a while since my last blog and here comes some verbal vomit!

What is it with these internet trolls?!

I don't get it at all!! Why go out of your way to make someones life miserable?

I was pleased to see this in the news this week. What that man did was disgusting and he needs more than 18 weeks in prison! Alcoholic or not his behaviour has caused untold amounts of damage to people!!

I am currently being targeted for being a troll. I don't particularly care much about it as I have nothing to prove to anyone about my identity.

Someone made a sensationalist comment on a support event for mental illness which I was attending via Facebook:

This pissed me right off and I proceeded to vent my spleen at this idiot about why they were stupid!

"Her" response was that there was proof in research conducted by "Dr Kawashima from Kazastan". When I corrected her and said "Do you mean Dr Kawashima the Japanese Neuroscientist who contributed to Brain Trainer". 

She obviously didn't like this and proceeded to accuse me of being a troll, a groomer, a fat ugly 50 year old. She also claimed I was sending her inbox messages harassing her etc. She has no proof of this! 

I've never heard from this person until their ignorant remark about Mental Illnesses not existing!

I was awaiting her proof...

Again waiting on proof...

So now I'm a hacker...!

More bullshit

Still... no proof of these 'inboxes'

Thus their conclusion: TheBipolarKid is not a Kid! Who woulda thunk it?! 

So oh no! I committed the crime of the century! I called myself TheBipolarKid and I am not a kid! Heavens to Betsy what will we do?! 

But wait... What about Billy the Kid? What about the Sundance Kid? What about Kid Rock? Somebody call the police! These people are calling themselves a "kid" to lure unsuspecting youngsters...

Seriously! I am no more a pedophile, groomer, stalker, troller, 50 year old man than Elvis Presley is alive! 

Trolls are disgusting hideous people who have no respect or decency for any other human beings!

It's just typical too when I have a good day that some fucknugget has to come by and ruin it for me! 

Today I enrolled at university!! I can't begin to tell you how good it feels! I'm euphoric! I'm trying to keep a lid on things though as the euphoria could easily lead to a manic episode!! 

So next week I officially start studying as a degree student and I can't wait!! 

Until next time.

Keep Smiling :(:

Saturday, 3 September 2011

Damned if you do, damned if you don't!!

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What is it with our society? Why does everyone WANT to be the same as the last person?

I like to try and keep up with current events, I read news feeds and such (NOT tabloids!) and occasionally I watch the news when I can stomach it and I get very bored of all of the conformity! 





Who wants to be a sheep?! 

Why must we all dress alike? Why must we like the same things? Want the same things? I'm not religious or anything (well, not usually) but doesn't it say somewhere in the ten commandments that you shouldn't want what your neighbour has?! 

I often have this image in my head of the "fashion industry". It is run by a bunch of people who believe they are superior. Each month, the group has a task to come up with the most hideous, heinous article of clothing they can then they all come together and compare. The 'worst' one goes out to the public! Time after time, the 'big cheese' is saying "There's no way anyone will wear this" but put it on a 'celebrity' and within a week people will be busting the doors down of every clothing store trying to get a version of said article! 

I like to think of myself as the 'rule' rather than the 'exception'. I'm not purposefully rebellious nor will I go out of my own way to fit in!! I just like to be me and if occasionally that is 'fashionable' then so be it! I'll be a wolf in sheep's clothing! 

As a kid, this got me beaten black and blue! 

I was raised with my brothers and sisters by my mum alone. I had the common sense to not want all the latest 'trends' the most 'fashionable' uniform and so on. I knew full well that my mum couldn't afford to kit 5 of us out in Nike, Adidas, Reebok, Umbro and whatever else people were wearing! I was happy with my Donnay and Kappa. It did the same job but cost a fraction of the price!! I was pretty switched on as a kid. I wasn't blind to the things I didn't want to see. I've always had what some people would consider a skewed view of the world; it is what it is and no matter how you try to 'bling it up', it will remain the same!! 

I'm quite horrified I found a 'blinged' version of this phrase but how apt?! 

These days, I just wear what I feel comfortable in, more often than not it is simply jeans and a t shirt. When it gets warmer I will wear hotpants with the obligatory tights or leggings under (for obvious reasons) thus becoming a "typical student"! 

The same with make-up. I don't often wear make-up. Despite my numerous insecurities, I actually think I'm not that bad looking!! I will, however, wear some make-up if I wake in the morning and feel utter crap as I am an expert at knowing that if you look great on the outside it hides a multitude of feelings on the inside!! The other time I wear make-up is on a night out. I don't actually need to wear that much make-up. I have very good skin (usually) and I'm not pale or pasty so I will wear a little foundation (usually to hide the shininess of my T zone) and eye make-up. I like my eyes and so I like to accentuate them. I do this usually by wearing a few layers of mascara or false lashes and heavily defined eye-liner. I guess it's the "smokey eyes" look. Now, I've favoured this look since I was about 17. I never wore make-up as a kid. However, suddenly all the 'celebrities' have started favouring the look and I look like I'm trying to be that "sheep" again!! PUH-LEASE!! They stole it from me!! 

When it comes to illness, I'm just the same! If I feel it is THAT desperate then I will, with a shove, go to the doctors. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I detest doctors. It's not their fault (mostly) it's just how I feel about them. Hospitals and dentists too! Dentists mostly in fact! The whole latex gloves in my mouth, stinky sterile surgery and whatnot! 

I was happy to continue to live as I was before Thursday, coping with my Bipolar Disorder, surviving day to day and not planning too far ahead but no, that wasn't satisfactory! I was pushed into going to the doctors, considering the medication, therapy and all the bullshit that comes with it and now look at me! The psychiatrist says I'm NOT Bipolar, that I don't even have depression... just sadness...! 

That's swell doc but what about those things that it says in that there Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (which I happen to own a copy of!)?

Ok, so I answer YES to that first question...! 

Hmm... "One or more major depressive episode?! Yep! 

Then there was that online test thingy that I did:

I know that, of course, one can never fully rely on these online diagnoses but I would say that all of this combined is pretty conclusive no? 

I could go in to detail on each point but I feel this blog will be long enough already!! 

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I WANT to be Bipolar! On the contrary, I'd rather not have a debilitating mental disorder thank you very much, but now I have this "new" diagnosis I may well have to re-assess my entire life!! 

When it comes to medication, I'd rather not take it. Be it for a headache, stomach upset, Bipolar Disorder... I don't like to take medications.  I have been back and forth with this with a number of people via my Facebook page and I have to say, I was quite shocked by a lot of the responses. People were telling me I was taking my life into my own hands... Well, I'd rather it be in my own hands than in the hands of a pill pushing doctor! Another person said to me "If you had cancer would you refuse drugs?" Are you serious?! Cancer?! That is a ridiculous and irrelevant question! Most people will know that with the right diet and plenty of water, most illnesses will just go away on their own!!  We don't get a headache due to the lack of paracetamol in our bodies so why treat a headache with such?

I had fully intended on going to university this year. I'm actually due to start in a couple of weeks. With this in mind and knowing how I was this past year in college, I know I would need the maximum amount of support afforded to someone with a mental illness. Of course, the university require proof of this. Now that I no longer have that proof, I am entitled to nada, zero, zilch! Thanks doc!

So now, what was a little difficult and stressful over the past nine months is very likely to render me a gibbering wreck once my three years are up! Wonderful! 

Hopefully, I can see another psychiatrist and when I do, I will take along the evidence I have and I will write a letter to avoid the emotional turmoil I experience every time I talk about my life!

The other thing that ticks me off when it comes to conformity is people's perceptions of relationships. As you may already be aware, I have a long-term partner who I have been with for a number of years.

We have, what some people would term an "unconventional" relationship. We're not strictly monogamous.

I can already hear the gasps and the thud of someone fainting! 

Mammals (which is what we are) are simply not programmed to be monogamous! 

That's not to say that I am unfaithful! Quite the opposite!! I love my partner more than anything and I have no desire to share my life with anyone else but when it comes to sex, I have many desires. Some my partner cannot satisfy and I know that he is the same!

Who here can HONESTLY say that they have never wantingly looked at another person of the opposite sex? Those who say they never have are LIARS! Plain and simple!! It is perfectly natural to want things we can't have! It is also perfectly natural to want a car that's slightly faster, slightly shinier, a little flashier... the same goes for partners!! 

The problem with all of these things is, if you don't conform, you're a troublemaker, a rebel, a non-conformist. Yet those of you who do conform, you're a wannabe, a copycat, unoriginal...

So, to that end, stop following the 'trend' and just BE YOURSELF!! 

Keep Smiling :):

Friday, 2 September 2011

A ranty blog I found of mine!

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People are always asking me: "What's wrong?" "Why are you so depressed?" "Why are you happy one minute and angry the next?"


I have Bipolar Disorder! Yes the TABOO that is Mental Illness! I don't deserve to be LOCKED UP, SHUNNED, IGNORED, TREATED LIKE SCUM!

You cant see, touch, hear, feel or smell bipolar disorder but it is VERY real! People with mental illnesses are often overlooked because there is no physical ailment to go with it! What do they want? A rash across my ass that spells out the word BIPOLAR???

I do not have to be ashamed any more and I refuse to hide it! 

My life made me this way!  Those who hurt me and made me cry, they know what they did and only THEY know why. I'm not a petty person, I don't want revenge. I just want to be me! 

I am a goon! I am a big kid! I am your best friend or I am your worst enemy!

The smallest things piss me off and YES I flip out disproportionately but you spend 5 minutes inside my head and come out sane!

I can't FEEL most emotions so I have to physically feel it so yes, sometimes I cut myself but this is NOT for attention either! It's for ME and ME ONLY!

I have many internal conflicts going on at any one time! The most common conflict is that I am not worthy of living. Now this may sound like "attention seeking" to the average uneducated person but believe me it is not! Yes I think daily about suicide, sometimes every hour but it doesn't mean that I am going to kill myself.  I have known and still know many people who often say "oh I might as well kill myself" in all honesty, these people might as well do just that! They are stupid and attention seekers! They take a handful of aspirin and then call you and say "I've just taken an overdose"! Believe me, if you were GENUINELY suicidal, this is NOT the approach to take! Those who have some amount of functioning brain cells know that you CAN'T kill yourself with a handful of aspirin! Aspirin simply makes you sleepy! If you were going to commit suicide, you wouldn't think about it, you wouldn't discuss the methods you wouldn't announce it via a social networking site and you certainly wouldn't call anyone when you've taken the "lethal overdose"! 

I am a self abusive person and it took me a long time to even realise what this was never mind that I was it! I get myself into situations where I cant win, no matter how hard I try and I cant give up either! I mix with people who make me feel guilty or bad for how I act. I get tattoos which are symbolic to me and are also pleasurably painful (or painfully pleasurable whichever way you want to see it!) I also try to fix people who are beyond fixing! I am a CAN DO person and I want to succeed in everything I do because if for one second I give less than 100% then I might as well not even bother! 

At the end of the day, I'm NOT hurting anyone! I am good at the things I do, I am GREAT around kids, I am creative, smart funny, cheeky, beautiful and full of LOVE.

I have heard people say "My 'friend' has Bipolar Disorder and they're nothing like that" Chances are, they're probably NOT Bipolar but if they are  they are probably medicated. There is the difference between a lot of people with Bipolar Disorder and me....! I am surviving on the love and support of my friends and what little family I have left.

I don't make friends easily, I'm [actually] very shy until you get to know me. I have trust issues as I have been hurt more than you could EVER imagine!  People laugh when I say I am shy because I am so loud and occasionally obnoxious... Well... Depression 101 "low self esteem was camouflaged from my friends, family and colleagues by an outgoing and apparently cheerful and entertaining personality." Why do people who suffer depression act like this? Well, we have a disproportionate feeling of guilt. We feel bad about feeling bad! We are well aware that there are people out there who have much worse lives than us but it's all relative! 

Why am I telling everyone this? Because I am tired of the judgement, tired of being the strong one, the brave one, the one everyone can rely on! 

Getting well again is going to be a SLOW process for me. I know who I can count on to support me and the rest are just baggage and so what do I do? I get rid of the baggage! Yes it is hard to turn my back on those I love but it is necessary for me to get better.

I am not taking anti-depressants. This is just a ridiculous notion for me! Doctors prescribe medications all to quickly! Believe me, I know! I know many people who are on anti-depressants who are not depressed by any stretch of the imagination! They are simply down! My theory is, if I change my lifestyle I can get better! This is the process! First of all I need to combat my dislike for doctors! I need to feel READY to go and see someone! I have already had therapy and it didn't work, it just made me feel worse! Secondly, I need to believe I can get better. I go through periods of self doubt and then self belief! I need to believe in myself for long enough before I can get the necessary help. Admitting you have a problem is one of the hardest things to do, asking for help is even harder and then accepting the help! It is a constant battle for me and for many others who suffer.

I don't want attention, sympathy, pity. I don't care what people think of me. I'm not going to sit and cry or announce that I am going to kill myself if no one sees my little outbursts or offers me "sympathetic" words when they do see.  I want acknowledgement and understanding. I want the world to realise that a mental disorder is as real as any other disorder. Just because you cant see something doesnt mean it's not there! If you cant give me that.... then PISS OFF! I will probably do better without you in my life anyway!! 

Keep Smiling :(: 

Thursday, 1 September 2011

I know these online tests can't prove anything conclusively but...

I'm NOT going to give up DO YOU HEAR ME?!

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Today I had my appointment with a psychiatrist. I hadn't wanted to do it because I hate having to talk about things that have happened in the past. There are also a lot of things that no one knows about me and I don't ever intend on sharing. To that end, I guess it would be difficult to make a finite diagnosis.

So after an hour of emotional turmoil, sharing a lot of my deepest darkest secrets, the psychiatrist had some "good news" for me!

The Bipolar Kid does NOT have Bipolar Disorder!! Neither does The Bipolar Kid suffer depression nor any other ailment that requires medical attention!! There had been a possible 'suggesion' of Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotional Instability but apparently, everyone suffers this at some point in their life. 

Apparently it is typical of teens and people in their early twenties to suffer what may FEEL like depression but is really just a short period of sadness. Ok, so this "short period of sadness"? Is this really supposed to last upwards of 10 years? Is it supposed to make me want to throw myself under every passing car? Of every bridge? Should it make me want to kill myself by slashing my wrists, taking an overdose, drinking too much?!  Should it make me cut myself whenever I feel I can't cope? YES? REALLY?! Silly me!! There was me thinking there was ACTUALLY SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME!!  I guess my partner was right after all... IT'S ALL IN MY HEAD! 

So there you have it!!  There is nothing wrong with me!! I'm just a little sad and it will pass!! 

The fact that I have a healthy stable relationship, a high stressed job and am about to do a degree is conclusive proof that there is nothing mentally wrong! 

My "psychiatrist" recommended that I join this group with other people like me who feel a sense of worthlessness and suffer persistent sadness despite the fact that I told her that being in large (or even small) groups of people makes me feel so anxious and uneasy that I feel at any given moment I might either spontaneously combust or projectile vomit or worse... both!! 

Furthermore, in her "professional opinion as a psychiatrist" she has recommended that I take up yoga! 




Wasting money I don't have sitting around with a bunch of pretentious, mindless ARSEHOLES stretching and giving thanks to the universe?! WOW! Whoever thought I was THAT far off the mark?! 

I am well aware of the 'powers' of meditation and how it is good to have a balance of energies, I used to meditate a lot but Yoga classes here where I live are full of pretentious middle aged women bragging about who has the biggest cars and the best 401k's and whose kid is the most genius! It is NOT a place for people like me who feel uncomfortable around people in just normal circumstances, never mind anything else!!

She 'very sweetly' said to me that there as been a recent surge of people 'believing' they have bipolar disorder in light of Catherine Zeta-Jones' revelation and "she is not the first celebrity to have caused a sensation with their illness". There was Robbie Williams with his Bipolar Disorder, Kerry Katona with hers, Cheryl Cole with her Malaria, Bill Clinton's blocked arteries (yes really!) Ronald Regan's Alzheimer's, Jade Goodey's cancer... the list goes on! 

Essentially, what she is saying is that I have a BIG FAT CASE OF HYPOCHONDRIA! 

Gee! Thanks doc! 

Any wonder I avoid the doctors like the plague?!

So, you would think I would be pleased with this diagnosis right? I mean, who WANTS to have a mental disorder? Who WANTS to be stigmatised? Not me that's for sure. Doesn't make me happy about her diagnosis. Much the opposite. It has made my blood boil and made me so furiously angry that I am now incandescent! 

I have been living my life trying to cope with my depression, trying to be positive about it, trying to learn about bipolar disorder and the ways of managing it without medication.

I will find a second opinion, even if I have to pay!

I guess I have to keep fighting. Today I have had the wind knocked clean out of my sails but it seems that stopping my blog may not only be detrimental to myself but to my readers too.

I know I'm anonymous and we won't ever meet but your all such great friends helping me through this tough time!!

Keep Smiling :):