Thursday, 30 June 2011

Where would I be?

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I often wonder where I would be without my Bipolar Disorder. Would I be a different person? Better? Worse? I don't know. In all honesty, I don't think I want to know.

Where would I be without the special people in my life? Not here, that's for sure.

I know I often feel alone and when I'm down no amount of help can pick me up but when I'm ready to come around again there are some special people who are always there for me.

I've spoken to so many different people now from different areas of my life and most of them are urging me NOT to get medicated. I don't really want to go down that road as I have a fear of taking pills due to an overdose attempt some time ago

I guess then I need to try and tackle this nutritionally. 

I really ought to register with a local GP. I'm terrible with that kind of thing! I'm terrified of doctors!! 

I'm actually not feeling much like writing today so I think I'm going to end it here and leave it for a few days.

Keep smiling :(:
Even if I'm not

Wednesday, 29 June 2011


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Did you ever get so angry you feel like you might just burst into flames? That's how I feel right now.

So much keeps going wrong in my life!

I never ask the time of day from a clock and yet all I get is shat on day in and day out!

I just don't understand how people can be so nasty. Especially those I have stuck my neck on the line to help and protect!

I wish I had a healthier outlet for my anger but the only thing that ever seems to soothe me is cutting myself. I know I shouldn't do it, especially not with my career interest but I can honestly say NOTHING else helps me!!

I'm sat here now feeling so angry and so frustrated at everything and everyone! How can I be surrounded by so many people yet feel so completely alone?!

As a child I was always scolded for crying and getting upset. I was always told to "suck it up" or "take it on the chin" or "fight back". When I told my mum I was getting bullied she said "If you don't hit them back I'm going to hit you twice as hard." Any surprise I have so many issues?! 

I don't know why I let people get to me so much! I can't help caring about people and more often than not they simply stab me in the back! I honestly don't think I have enough room for another knife in my back and yet I know that before the week is out there will be another one on there!  

I always used to cut so careful. I never had any scars from when I started cutting at the age of 13 until last year but then I just stopped caring! If anyone asks me about the scars now I just lie.

I just feel so peaceful when I've cut myself, it's like turning the tap on a pressure valve and letting whatever it is inside me escape. I do sometimes feel like I'm possessed. Not necessarily by a demon but just by something that's so vile that needs to be let out somehow. 

My boyfriend has often tell me that when I'm in one of my 'moods' my eyes change completely and he hardly recognises me. He says I look so cold and unfeeling. I wish I could see myself through his eyes when I'm feeling like that. I wish I could see what he sees.

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I'm actually seriously considering checking myself into some sort of mental facility and just letting 'them' pump me full of whatever drugs they say will make me feel human again. I've tried so hard to keep away from medication because of the long term damage it can do to your body but I think I might just have to give up.

Keep Smiling :):

Even if I can't 

The other half of me

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As I'm sure you may have gathered by now, I have a partner. We have been together a [considerable] amount of time now.

It's been a steep learning curve for him, getting to understand my Bipolar Disorder and how it affects me. I wouldn't say that he was ignorant to it but I think he found it almost impossible to comprehend what it was and how it affected me. It made things difficult in the first instance as he'd often tell me if I didn't think about things then they wouldn't affect me. If only it were that simple hey?!

More recently, he has suffered a small bout of depression and awful as it may sound he now knows how I feel a little bit as he's been almost in the same boat.

I think it's hard for partners of Bipolar Sufferers as they must feel so totally alone. Just today in fact I have been speaking to the other half of one of my oldest and greatest friends who also suffers with Bipolar Disorder and he said that he feels like no one understands him. If anyone can sympathise with that it's me! I've spent my whole life with people having no comprehension of how I'm feeling.

I'd definitely recommend that the partners of anyone suffering with Bipolar Disorder take a look at the book I recommended in my Self Help blog, Living With the Black Dog. There are lots of crossovers between depression and Bipolar Disorder. After all, Bipolar Disorder was formerly known as manic depression.

It's hard to say why we are the way we are with our partners. I would guess it varies from person to person. I tend to push my partner away. The main reason for that is that I don't want him to feel even an ounce of the anguish that I feel every day. I shout at him and quite frankly treat him like sh*t from time to time. Luckily he now understands that when I'm angry at him, I'm not angry at him I'm simply projecting my anger onto him because he is the nearest to me. They say that we hurt the ones we love and it's true! 

I've always had trust issues when it comes to men and that stems from my childhood. Much as I adore my partner and would go to the ends of the earth for him it's still easier for me to push him away when I'm feeling so low. I trust him implicitly but I still have a defence mechanism that is activated when I'm feeling low and generally insecure about myself.

I often fear that my partner will leave me. The things that I love the most are always taken away from me. As a child, I loved school and learning and the bullies saw to it that the enjoyment was taken away. If my mother was to punish me as a child she would take away my books, my most prized possessions! When I went to college for the first time after leaving secondary school, I had to quit after the first year, it broke my heart as I loved the course. When I joined the British Army I got injured and was given a medical discharge and so on and so forth.

To that end, I've learnt not to invest too much emotion in things that could easily be taken away from me and that includes my partner. Outwardly, he knows that I love him and care about him infinitely but inside is the innate fear of losing him and therefore there is a steel wall around my heart.

I'm lucky in that the harder I push my partner, the firmer he stands. It really is like an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object!

Keep Smiling :(:

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Whatever the weather!

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Today has been SUPER hot! It seems every time we have a HOT day at the moment it becomes 'the hottest day on record'!

I can't stand the heat! It makes me loopy! I get tired and irritable (more so than usual!) and I'm not pleasant to be around!

It's 3:53 precisely and I'm not tired! I'm not sure what the reason is but I have a feeling there's an 'episode' on it's way. I've been a little shaky today and I have a thick head (you know, kind of like after you've been out drinking...). I've had trouble focusing recently. I love to create stuff but I haven't really been bothered about it which is strange for me! I've also got some long standing writer's block which seems to be stretching over to my blogging too...!

I have a holiday coming up that I was SUPER looking forward to as it was much needed and with a good friend but now (due to unforeseen circumstances) she isn't going and I have to go with some people I hardly know and that makes me nervous!!

I'm not very good in social situations! I just don't know how I'm supposed to be! I can't just be *me* because people don't generally like that and I can never be bothered to fake it either. I'd say I am like Marmite, you either love me or you hate me!

I can't deal with mundane conversation with people I have no interest in! I know that is real selfish of me but I'm quite quick to judge and I'm not often wrong!! If I don't get a good vibe about someone it's for a good reason!! Once I have that vibe it's hard to change it!

I remember when I first got with my other half, I hadn't been officially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder but some sort of "emotional instability". He kinda gave me a hard time about myself. I had never really realised that I talk about myself A LOT. Having not been given the gift of social skills I found it hard to engage people in conversation! I either give too much or too little and I never know where that balance is!

It was quite frustrating with my OH trying to 'convince' him that I was actually unwell! I don't think he quite grasped how I was ill. It wasn't his fault of course. When you don't hear about these things it's hard to understand them and once you know they exist you have to learn about them to REALLY understand them!

Fortunately for me, after [quite] some time my OH became more aware of my illness and how it affects me! He even bought me a book as mentioned in my Self Help blog. He hasn't yet read it himself but he did read the book I got for him and I think it increased not only his knowledge but also his tolerance.

I have many personality traits that people dislike! I say what I think, I talk too loud (some sort of hearing issue), I wont pretend to please people and I wont lie to spare someone's feelings! I can't change these traits and I wouldn't even if I had the power because that's just me!!  Some people think that I'm self obsessed. I have a very bold front that I like to put on in public because it pains me to think how people would feel if they knew what was under the surface. I couldn't bear the judgement, the shame, the pity...

I've learnt over a love period of time how to hide things. These days I do it without even thinking! It's as natural as breathing for me. I wish I didn't have to of course but we live in a world where the "M" word is a taboo!

I hope that some day we can break that taboo and mental illness can be recognised as an actual illness and not just something that is in our heads! 

Keep Smiling :):

Sunday, 26 June 2011


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Those who suffer Bipolar Disorder or indeed any other mental disorder will notice that there is much stigma attached to their suffering. If it's not bad enough that we actually suffer and we're singled out because of that, we're singled out for being bad, crazy, nasty etc. I've yet to meet a person who has a mental illness who is actually mad, bad, nasty or crazy!

Surely we're all a little crazy in our own special way?! It makes us unique!

People say that it is the fear of the unknown, the lack of understanding that makes people stigmatise us.

Why can't we be more like animals? They like to investigate things first!

I would love to educate people about mental illness! If half the people I know knew I had Bipolar Disorder they would be sure to change their minds about mental illness! I live a very productive life. I'm happy for the most part and I have a lot of focus on my future!!

The fear of the stigma is part of the reason I'm remaining anonymous at least for the time being. 

I'm tired of being told "Oh it's just a little bit of depression, you'll be fine." or "cheer up, it's not the end of the world!"

If only these people could be inside my head for a day! No, 5 minutes even! That's all it would take before they're shrieking "I'm normal, get me out of here!"

If people would just spend a little time getting to know us they would soon realise that we're not mad, bad criminals. We're just ordinary people who think in a different way! 

Keep Smiling :):

Saturday, 25 June 2011

Must be the music

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I often find that music helps my mood. A lot.

Today is the 2 year anniversary of the death of Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson is one of my all time favourite artists.

I remember when I found out he was doing one last tour. I HAD to go. I had to have a ticket at ANY cost!!

Being an O2 customer meant that I got an advanced booking code to get my ticket early. Tickets went on sale at 7am and I was working! On my lunch break I got onto my computer and applied for my ticket, the Ticketmaster website kept crashing!! It took me 2 hours to get my ticket but finally at 12:50 on 11 March, I had my ticket!! I couldn't believe it! On Wednesday 26 August I was finally going to fulfil a lifelong dream and see Michael Jackson in concert!!

I was so happy!

Then that fateful day came.

I remember it so clearly! I had actually been sleeping at the time and my phone went. I checked the screen and silenced it. It could wait until the morning I was sure. Then it rang again, same person. "Something must be wrong" I thought and I answered it. The voice on the other end sounded panicked. It was my cousin. "Hey, Kid, are you ok?" she said. "Aah.. yeah... I was asleep! What's up??" I was slightly irritated at being woken! I was up at 6 for work!! "Ah, I think you better turn on the TV Kid, something has happened" Her voice sounded really worried. I put the TV on. "Which channel?" I asked. I didn't need to wait for her answer. It was on EVERY channel! Michael Jackson had passed away! I couldn't believe it. Wouldn't believe it! I watched the news, waiting for someone to say there had been a terrible mistake. I sat up until the wee hours of the morning when it was finally confirmed. Michael Jackson had passed. I was numb.

That was it. I'd never live that dream!

Michael Jackson is one of the artists that can always lift my mood. My favourite track of his is Billie Jean. It just makes me want to dance!

Sometimes, if I'm feeling depressed, I want to listen to depressing music. This may sound counterproductive but somehow it makes me feel better!!

One of my favourite albums for those low moods is Pink Floyd, The Wall.

Now, if you've ever seen the movie of The Wall you will know what I mean! That music really moves you! There is something about Bob Geldof in that movie. He brings a certain something that I don't know how to describe!

I'm sure more than one of you have felt like this at some point in your life:

My favourite kind of mood lifting music has to be the 80's!! I love 80's CHEESE!!

If I'm feeling really crappy and I actually want to lift my mood I like to put on my iPod and listen to some FOOTLOOSE. Kenny Loggins never fails to elicit a smile from me!

I also like good ballad. Something a little cheesy that you crank up to full volume and sing along with. Sometimes cry along with!

I don't know what my life would be like without music! It's hard to even comprehend!!

I think about my Desert Island Discs often and I don't think I could choose just 8 tracks!! I simply couldn't do it! I'd rather have no music!! No... wait!! Scrap that!! I wouldn't survive with no music!!

So today, on this wet and windy Saturday, put your radio/cd player/music channel/laptop on, crank up the volume and dance and sing along with your favourite tracks!!

Keep Smiling :(:

Friday, 24 June 2011

'Lucky' to be Bipolar!!

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I was once told that I was "lucky to have Bipolar Disorder"! Why? Well apparently "Bipolar Disorder is so much better to have than depression because at least you have ups and downs. With depression I just have downs".

Can you very well believe the audacity?!!

How did this little comment come about? Well, let me tell you...

My little 'Journey' you will have heard about is me going to University. It is something I have wanted to do for a very long time!

Last year I made that leap. I wanted it and I wanted it right away! Unfortunately, I was too late to apply for uni for that academic year and I wasn't qualified enough so instead of leaping, I made a baby step by going to college.

College was a little bit scary for me. I'm not good with new people and new places. I like things as they are and socialising terrifies me!!

On my first day, it was so scary! There were so many people! I tried my best to avoid making eye contact with anyone! It seemed to work. No one came and spoke to me.By the time I'd finished, my head was spinning! We'd been given so much information and I was trying to process it all.

Later that day we received an email from our tutor. (That would be Mr S who I mentioned yesterday) It was welcoming us all and informing us of the way things were going to progress.

I was feeling very happy, I'd done it, I'd taken that step towards the future!

Later that day I had a friend request on Facebook. I didn't recognise the person so I didn't accept it immediately (I don't like to add strangers on my personal profile, paranoia!) I sent a message to the person asking who she was and she replied saying that we didn't get to meet properly but she was on my course. I decided to accept her as a friend. I thought it'd do me good to meet new people and make new friends as, let's face it, I don't have many here in my home town!

The following week we started college properly. I saw the person in question and figured she'd be ok to hang out with. We got to talking and we decided to hang out a little. What a huge mistake that turned out to be!!

Things progressed ok to begin with, there were a few of us who would hang out together, go for breaks together, have lunch together and we had an evening out together too which was very nice.

By October, I was starting to feel a little weary. This person had become a very prevalent feature in my life! It seemed wherever I turned she was there.

She'd posted a status on Facebook about cutting herself on a bread knife. I was very concerned (as is my nature) so I messaged her, hoping it was an accident. Turns out it wasn't. That was the start of a very slippery slope!!

Now, I would NEVER judge anyone for self harming as I do it myself and I understand the need for it.

It was a bit strange to see someone broadcasting it across Facebook but I guess people have different ideas about what is ok to share and perhaps I'm a little more introverted in that respect.

When I saw her next I was quite shocked by what I saw. I've been self harming on and off for 13 years or so and it's something I am deeply ashamed of. I would never make an obvious cut as I was terrified that someone would see and question me. This person had very obvious cuts on the top and the underside of her arms and to make it worse, she'd posted images to her Facebook page!! I told her she couldn't do that, it wasn't fair on her friends on Facebook who didn't deserve to see that!! Now I know this may sound contradictory given that I have my own self harm images on my Facebook page however, this is NOT my personal page and I am anonymous!! 

Not long after this event, she split with her partner. Of course, when you split with someone it hurts, bad! I tried so hard to be there for her but she wanted to go out every night, partying, drinking, getting a little wild and if I'm honest, I'm over that kind of lifestyle now!! I'm 26! Her outlet was to demand attention! How did she do this? By the powerful tool that is Facebook!! Every other day was a status about how deep that cut was or how many pills had been swallowed etc etc...!

One of our mutual friends had (somewhat unsubtly) told her in no uncertain terms that it was unacceptable for her to 'seek attention' by posting such pictures and statuses on Facebook and World War 3 began!!

It was demanded of me to take sides. I don't like to fight, confrontation scares me! I explained that I didn't want to take sides and that I wasn't going to get involved. I was instantly transported back to school! It was like a playground fight and I felt rotten! It was taking it's toll on me emotionally and on my relationship!

I was being pulled this way and that. Being emotionally blackmailed with "you're like a sister to me" "you're my best friend ever". I'm a helper, that's what I do and I can't help it! I got caught right in the middle! I wasn't best friends with this girl, I'd known her a few months! My best friends I've known for 15+ years!

Things went on and on and I was constantly stuck in the middle! If I went one way, I was disloyal, if I went the other way, I was disloyal. No matter what I did, someone was getting hurt!

I tried to power through. Tried explaining that I wasn't going to take sides and that was that! Eventually, things were sorted! All bad blood was put to one side and relationships were fixed! It was such a relief!!

The year was going rather quickly and before I knew it it was Christmas!

After an unfortunate incident the Christmas before, I was unwelcome at my partner's parents house and so I decided to spend Christmas with my own family. I took my "new friend" along with me as I felt bad that she couldn't do what she wanted for Christmas.

There were some unavoidable dramas over Christmas but I don't want to bore you with all of that... I'm sure you're wondering where this entire blog is going!

Things came to a head just towards the end of January. My "friend" and I were walking down the corridor towards the cafeteria at college when she suddenly piped up "You're so lucky that you have Bipolar Disorder. Bipolar Disorder is so much better to have than depression because at least you have ups and downs. With depression I just have downs". I was completely gobsmacked!! It's not often that I am rendered speechless but at this I was! Then suddenly I could feel a white hot anger bubbling up inside me. I tried remaining calm, tried pushing it down but it kept bubbling up.

I didn't respond to what she said. I couldn't! I didn't know how!

Then things blew up. Right in my face!!

I'm not one for bitching, it's boring and exhausting! I don't like or dislike anyone enough to sit and bitch! That isn't the case with this person. Her favourite thing to do was to bitch. It wasn't long until I was the subject of the bitching!!

After Christmas I had been very ill. I'd had a drink tampered with at a party on Boxing Day and I developed swine flu and goodness knows what else and was out of service for 2 weeks. Then I got back to college and caught another bug and was rendered useless for another week! I don't like to get sick because it means I have to stay in bed which I'm not very good at!

I'd been out of commission for another week and I'd had a mysterious message come through to my inbox on Facebook. It was from someone I presume had sent the message and then deleted their profile as it came up with "Facebook User".

I won't bore you with the entire message but it was essentially slagging me off for being a 'bitch' and a 'faker' and a 'wannabe'! Now, I won't say that I'm not a bitch because by many standards, I am! I'd describe it as brutally honest!

Well, to read this message from someone claiming I was their "best friend ever" just pissed me right off! I tried to ignore it but it was just eating away at me. Slowly but surely, I lost it! I sent a long and very angry message to the perpetrator telling her exactly what I thought of her and her claims. I'm always honest, to a fault sometimes. I don't 'beat about the bush'. I'm honest to the people I care about and I expect the same back.I was met with "you've been really of with me lately... " Hmm... I'd thought I'd been "off" with everyone on account of being extremely sick!!

I tried not to rise to it. I told her what I thought and left it at that!

Next thing I know, as I'm settling down to dinner and a movie, my buzzer goes! No surprising who was at the door!!

I called to her out the window that I was eating and to leave me alone! She didn't. She remained outside in the cold until I came out about an hour later!

Without boring you with the rest of the story, things were said, tears were shed, repairs were made! Things went along nicely for a while until the 'jealousy' monster reared it's ugly head again. Now I'm at the other end of my journey I've decided to wash my hands of the person in question!!


When someone has bipolar disorder, the last thing they need is for someone addicted to drama to 'latch on' to them. Unfortunately, I'm too much of a caring person and I like to think I can fix people!! I don't think that will ever change and I guess I will continue to get hurt but I've learnt to stand back a little and let these things progress on their own without feeling guilty about something I have no control over!! Let's hope that in the next phase of my journey 

I can avoid such unhealthy people!!

Keep Smiling :):

Thursday, 23 June 2011

Who am I? (UPDATED)

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I found myself wondering in recent months as to who I am.

Am I the way I am because I have Bipolar Disorder?

I have all the "symptoms" in my personality!

One has to display 3 or 4 of the following symptoms:

Inflated self esteem? Well... I'm awesome! √
Reduced need for sleep? I get about 4/6 hours per night! √
Flight of ideas/racing thoughts? I've always got some sort of 'project' on the go!! √
Distractibility? Oooooh.... look at those pretty flowers..... Sorry, what was I saying?! √
Excessive engagement in high consequence activities including shopping and questionable sexual liaisons? Without revealing too much... I like to shop! √

PLUS at least four of the following

Persistent Sadness? :'( √
Reduced interest or pleasure? Ask my boyfriend!
Change in weight or appetite? I'm currently a fattie! √
Insomnia or oversleeping? I wish I knew what over sleeping was!! √
Restlessness, agitation or lethargy? I can't sit still for five minutes!! √
Fatigue or lack of energy? Does laziness count?
Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt? √√√√√√√√√√√
Problems thinking, concentrating or making decisions? Do I? Dont I? Do I? √
Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide?

So, you're supposed to display 3 or 4 of the first set of 'symptoms' and at least 4 of the second set! Well...! That's me screwed!!

Seem's I'm pretty much 'text book'!

Reading this from my book was pretty depressing as I've always strived to be a bit different. A bit unique!

It's like the age old chicken and egg quandary. Which came first?!

I've tried to get beyond that school of thought now. My boyfriend reassured me that if you took away my Bipolar Disorder I'd still be the same me. He's lovely like that you see!

I can't even tell you how awful it feels to be completely stripped of your identity! You feel like you're floundering in a sea of nothingness with nowhere to go!

I've tried to shake off these feelings as they're bad for me but I find myself there occasionally, in that deep dark sea just wondering....



I have now come to the conclusion; who cares who I am?!

I'm going to become who I want and it just takes time!!

Today I reached quite a milestone. I survived an ordeal bigger than most. It may not seem like much of an achievement to the average Joe but to me it was quite an ordeal! I met some very interesting people on this little part of my journey, some of whom I hope to keep in my life. One or two others I hope I never see again! One person in particular was quite inspiring to me. Let's call him Mr S.

Mr S is a very interesting person. He shared a lot of his personal experience in order to help us on our journey. He genuinely cares about the people he works with and that shows. That's how I hope to be some day.

The next step of my journey is going to be so much harder! I'm actually quite scared of the next step but I know with the support of the people who I love will get me through it!

Going to take it easy for the Summer and see what happens next!

Keep Smiling :(:

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

From a reader

Two blogs in one day?! Well I never!!

I got an email today from someone who has read my blog and in it he shared a poem which I wanted to share with everyone else.

So, whenever you feel bad, remember that "Life is what life is"

(Plain text version available here)

Keep Smiling :(:


I guess now you have got this far through my blog you will be wondering how I cope with all of this?!

It has been a long road getting her and an emotional roller coaster! I can't even begin to describe how it has felt!

Ronan Keating once sang "Life is a Rollercoaster" and nothing can be closer to the truth!

Up to a point, I couldn't tell you how I coped because I honestly don't know!! I don't actually know how long I have been depressed for. It's all I remember.

Being bullied at school, incidents at home and then at the work place, I have always had a black dog following me.

Something which troubled me when I really thought about it was when my mum told me; as a child, I would get so frustrated or angry I would go outside and hit my head against the wall! That is self harm!! I knew about this for a long time but I had never figured that that's what it was!!

I would say I have had noticeable depression since I was 13/14. There was an incident that happened that pushed me towards depression and self harming.

Being bullied at school was a horrific experience. I never actually got to the bottom of why I was bullied and if I'm honest, I don't really care any more!

So my coping methods! Well, 3 years ago I discovered Kalms. They're a herbal remedy used for anxiety and stress. Visit the Kalms website here

They worked for me in the short term. I would take 4 where it recommended I take 2.

More recently, I have discovered something else to help keep me on a level.

I have taken to smoking cannabis. This is not something I am particularly proud of. I am aware of the possible side effects from cannabis but I have done my research and since I started smoking, I have been feeling so good!

I know a lot of people have negative images of people who smoke cannabis. I have had the same image myself growing up around stoners. I am NOT a stoner. I don't get stoned and I have never been stoned. I smoke a small amount in the evenings to level me out and also help me sleep. I hate smoking and I know that it's a disgusting and harmful habit but for now, it works!

I am NOT recommending that people use cannabis to help. What I will say is that you don't have to take prescription drugs!

People with mental disorders are at a higher risk of developing schizophrenia from smoking cannabis. It also can make you paranoid. You can find out more information on the effects of cannabis here.

I have considered speaking to my GP about medical marijuana and possibly also writing to my local MP but we will see!!

Keep Smiling :):

Sunday, 19 June 2011

My journey through therapy

Hello happy people.

Today I will tell you about my journey through therapy.

You may have read my "Getting Help" blog. This blog follows on from there pretty much.

It took me 6 weeks to get a referral and a further 6 weeks to get my first appointment.

I can still clearly remember my first session. I was sat in the hospital waiting room with the cute little cat. I kept looking at the clock. My appointment was at 9:30am and it was 9:20. Those last ten minutes seemed to last a life time. I read every poster on the wall in the waiting room. Twice!

My doctor finally arrived at 9:45 with some sort of an apology for being late. She took me through the grounds of the hospital and I couldn't help but notice how pretty it all was!

I had imagined what I thought the 'therapy room' would be like. You know the type you see in movies. All leather bound books lining the walls. A great big easy chair for the doctor and a chez lounge for me. I figured it would be quite scary.

In fact, it was very different. It was a small room. The walls were white. There were two chairs. Not particularly 'easy' chairs but comfortable nonetheless. There was a table with a box of tissues and that was basically it.

She asked me to sit down and was looking over her notes. I presumed they were from my GP. I was really nervous.

She looked too young to be a doctor!

She started by reading out some questions on a form. I had to answer each one. Some of them were a bit pointless and irrelevant I thought.

There was no clock so I couldn't check the time! We had 50 minutes which was already shortened since she was late!

Once she'd filled in the form she asked me to tell her why I was there. I was a little shocked. I figured she would know why I was there. I didn't know what to say! She told me it was OK and that I was to take my time. My mind was racing. I didn't know where to begin. Then I felt myself starting to cry. She offered me the tissues and I began with my visit to the doctors. I told her everything I'd told my doctor and she was writing furiously.

By the time I had finished my time was up! I was a little disappointed! She told me we should meet again in 2 weeks time.

Then I had to go to work! That was not fun! My boss knew why I was late but nevertheless I still apologised for my lateness.

The next session we spoke about my family. I told her that my family had nothing to do with my issues but she continued anyway!

The sessions continued in pretty much the same way. She would ask me questions and I would answer. I didn't feel like I was achieving anything except opening old wounds!

Once we'd had our 12 sessions I was referred on. I was told I'd had an 'emotional instability'.

I had to go and see someone else for the next step. Another 6 weeks for the referral and 10 weeks for the appointment!!

The next part of my therapy made me angry. The doctor that I was seeing was male this time. He told me I had to go to a group session. I did not want that!! I expressed as much.

He told me that there was a new 'therapy system' that was to be implemented in 6 weeks time and that he would be in touch.

I waited 6 weeks. I waited 8 weeks. I waited 10 weeks. Nothing!! I thought about calling them to find out what was happening but I decided not to.

In all, therapy was completely useless to me!!

Some people find that it helps. I didn't. I had tried explaining that it was too difficult for me to go to work after having a session and so my doctor told me she would change it to the afternoon. That was just as bad! This time I was twiddling my thumbs all day at work as I knew what the afternoon held!

I also found that my doctor was trying to put the finger on something else for my troubles when I knew that was not the reason! Very frustrating!!

Don't be put off by this though. Some people find therapy extremely useful! I just had a bad experience and I put that down to personality.

Stay tuned for my next blog.

Keep Smiling