Wednesday, 29 June 2011


Blog starts here

Did you ever get so angry you feel like you might just burst into flames? That's how I feel right now.

So much keeps going wrong in my life!

I never ask the time of day from a clock and yet all I get is shat on day in and day out!

I just don't understand how people can be so nasty. Especially those I have stuck my neck on the line to help and protect!

I wish I had a healthier outlet for my anger but the only thing that ever seems to soothe me is cutting myself. I know I shouldn't do it, especially not with my career interest but I can honestly say NOTHING else helps me!!

I'm sat here now feeling so angry and so frustrated at everything and everyone! How can I be surrounded by so many people yet feel so completely alone?!

As a child I was always scolded for crying and getting upset. I was always told to "suck it up" or "take it on the chin" or "fight back". When I told my mum I was getting bullied she said "If you don't hit them back I'm going to hit you twice as hard." Any surprise I have so many issues?! 

I don't know why I let people get to me so much! I can't help caring about people and more often than not they simply stab me in the back! I honestly don't think I have enough room for another knife in my back and yet I know that before the week is out there will be another one on there!  

I always used to cut so careful. I never had any scars from when I started cutting at the age of 13 until last year but then I just stopped caring! If anyone asks me about the scars now I just lie.

I just feel so peaceful when I've cut myself, it's like turning the tap on a pressure valve and letting whatever it is inside me escape. I do sometimes feel like I'm possessed. Not necessarily by a demon but just by something that's so vile that needs to be let out somehow. 

My boyfriend has often tell me that when I'm in one of my 'moods' my eyes change completely and he hardly recognises me. He says I look so cold and unfeeling. I wish I could see myself through his eyes when I'm feeling like that. I wish I could see what he sees.

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I'm actually seriously considering checking myself into some sort of mental facility and just letting 'them' pump me full of whatever drugs they say will make me feel human again. I've tried so hard to keep away from medication because of the long term damage it can do to your body but I think I might just have to give up.

Keep Smiling :):

Even if I can't 

1 comment:

  1. So sorry for the pain you are experiencing now and for the pain you went through growing up! it is NEVER okay to not be validated! Your emotions are VERY important and they deserve to be treated that way. I pray that you do get help from someone you trust. It is a positive step into the right direction. You can no longer allow fear of the unknown destroy your chance to feel better. it may take time but beats the HELL out of the alternative! As far as that cold black look ..I have had others say that about me. I believe it is when I am in a "mixed state".

    I truly hope you know others are here for you and want to see you beat the to speak!
    Take care!
    Holly..your fellow nutter friend!


Thanks for your comment!!