Friday, 17 June 2011

How does Bipolar Disorder affect a person?

I have been asked this question many times. It is a difficult one to answer. Not least because there are different types of Bipolar Disorder but also, the individual's personality also has an impact on how it manifests.

How does Bipolar Disorder affect you personally? Now that I can answer!!

I don't really have a 'typical day' so I cant give you an outline that fits everything!!

Usually my day will begin far too early!! I'm an insomniac and I often wake up at a crazy hour!

Generally I will be feeling somewhat morose. If I've had enough sleep my mood will lighten easily.

I often have unconscious suicidal thoughts throughout the day. This is not to say that I AM suicidal because I would not kill myself as it's a selfish act of indulgence and I am not that kind of person! What I mean by this is I will find myself walking over a bridge and I will suddenly think "what would it feel like if I just jumped right now". I can't really explain why I think this but I do!

My mood will usually change throughout the course of the day and it will go one of two ways:

Something will make me happy and I will continue being happy 
Something will make me sad/angry/upset and I will continue to feel that way!

Once a mood begins it is often very difficult for me to change it!

I don't mind the depressive states, I am very used to it. It's the mania that I'm afraid of!

The only way I can describe the mania is: it's like a helium balloon once you let it go. It will keep going up and up and up until suddenly, it pops and comes hurtling back down to earth!!

This is precisely what mania feels like and it scares me!! I like to be happy of course but I lack the ability to cap it!!

When I get depressed, I lose motivation to do absolutely anything beyond breathing. Often I won't even get out of bed!

I have been through phases of self harm. At the moment, I am not cutting myself and for that I am very proud of myself. However, I do have many disgusting scars that I am deeply ashamed of!!

When I was younger, I cut myself a lot. It was the only thing I could do. As I got older, I learnt to deal with the issues in different ways. It is then that I discovered my anger!!

I have a very short fuse and will snap at the slightest thing!!

My first outlet I discovered was punching walls. This is a form of self harm as it caused me pain. From there I started to smash things up. This was not because I am a horrible person, it was because I had got myself into a terrible relationship and I knew if I hit him that would be his life over as I know I would not have the strength to stop! When I began my therapy, I managed to curb my anger. Don't ask me how because I don't know!! Then it came back recently. The anger was always there bubbling under the surface and in the past year it has come erupting out. I started cutting myself again and this time it was worse than before!! I am hoping to take a holiday soon and I am praying the scars fade a little before I go!

My outlet now is being creative. I have always had a creative streak but I never used it to channel my anger.

Often, my day will completely exhaust me and when I get home I will be tired and often grumpy. Even if I haven't been out I will find that I am completely exhausted!

I will often fall into a restless sleep and the cycle will begin again!!

Tomorrow I will tell you about my numerous sleep disorders!!

Keep smiling :):

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