Friday, 24 June 2011

'Lucky' to be Bipolar!!

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I was once told that I was "lucky to have Bipolar Disorder"! Why? Well apparently "Bipolar Disorder is so much better to have than depression because at least you have ups and downs. With depression I just have downs".


Can you very well believe the audacity?!!


How did this little comment come about? Well, let me tell you...

My little 'Journey' you will have heard about is me going to University. It is something I have wanted to do for a very long time!


Last year I made that leap. I wanted it and I wanted it right away! Unfortunately, I was too late to apply for uni for that academic year and I wasn't qualified enough so instead of leaping, I made a baby step by going to college.


College was a little bit scary for me. I'm not good with new people and new places. I like things as they are and socialising terrifies me!!


On my first day, it was so scary! There were so many people! I tried my best to avoid making eye contact with anyone! It seemed to work. No one came and spoke to me.By the time I'd finished, my head was spinning! We'd been given so much information and I was trying to process it all.




Later that day we received an email from our tutor. (That would be Mr S who I mentioned yesterday) It was welcoming us all and informing us of the way things were going to progress.


I was feeling very happy, I'd done it, I'd taken that step towards the future!


Later that day I had a friend request on Facebook. I didn't recognise the person so I didn't accept it immediately (I don't like to add strangers on my personal profile, paranoia!) I sent a message to the person asking who she was and she replied saying that we didn't get to meet properly but she was on my course. I decided to accept her as a friend. I thought it'd do me good to meet new people and make new friends as, let's face it, I don't have many here in my home town!


The following week we started college properly. I saw the person in question and figured she'd be ok to hang out with. We got to talking and we decided to hang out a little. What a huge mistake that turned out to be!!


Things progressed ok to begin with, there were a few of us who would hang out together, go for breaks together, have lunch together and we had an evening out together too which was very nice.


By October, I was starting to feel a little weary. This person had become a very prevalent feature in my life! It seemed wherever I turned she was there.


She'd posted a status on Facebook about cutting herself on a bread knife. I was very concerned (as is my nature) so I messaged her, hoping it was an accident. Turns out it wasn't. That was the start of a very slippery slope!!


Now, I would NEVER judge anyone for self harming as I do it myself and I understand the need for it.



It was a bit strange to see someone broadcasting it across Facebook but I guess people have different ideas about what is ok to share and perhaps I'm a little more introverted in that respect.


When I saw her next I was quite shocked by what I saw. I've been self harming on and off for 13 years or so and it's something I am deeply ashamed of. I would never make an obvious cut as I was terrified that someone would see and question me. This person had very obvious cuts on the top and the underside of her arms and to make it worse, she'd posted images to her Facebook page!! I told her she couldn't do that, it wasn't fair on her friends on Facebook who didn't deserve to see that!! Now I know this may sound contradictory given that I have my own self harm images on my Facebook page however, this is NOT my personal page and I am anonymous!! 


Not long after this event, she split with her partner. Of course, when you split with someone it hurts, bad! I tried so hard to be there for her but she wanted to go out every night, partying, drinking, getting a little wild and if I'm honest, I'm over that kind of lifestyle now!! I'm 26! Her outlet was to demand attention! How did she do this? By the powerful tool that is Facebook!! Every other day was a status about how deep that cut was or how many pills had been swallowed etc etc...!


One of our mutual friends had (somewhat unsubtly) told her in no uncertain terms that it was unacceptable for her to 'seek attention' by posting such pictures and statuses on Facebook and World War 3 began!!





It was demanded of me to take sides. I don't like to fight, confrontation scares me! I explained that I didn't want to take sides and that I wasn't going to get involved. I was instantly transported back to school! It was like a playground fight and I felt rotten! It was taking it's toll on me emotionally and on my relationship!


I was being pulled this way and that. Being emotionally blackmailed with "you're like a sister to me" "you're my best friend ever". I'm a helper, that's what I do and I can't help it! I got caught right in the middle! I wasn't best friends with this girl, I'd known her a few months! My best friends I've known for 15+ years!


Things went on and on and I was constantly stuck in the middle! If I went one way, I was disloyal, if I went the other way, I was disloyal. No matter what I did, someone was getting hurt!



I tried to power through. Tried explaining that I wasn't going to take sides and that was that! Eventually, things were sorted! All bad blood was put to one side and relationships were fixed! It was such a relief!!


The year was going rather quickly and before I knew it it was Christmas!


After an unfortunate incident the Christmas before, I was unwelcome at my partner's parents house and so I decided to spend Christmas with my own family. I took my "new friend" along with me as I felt bad that she couldn't do what she wanted for Christmas.

There were some unavoidable dramas over Christmas but I don't want to bore you with all of that... I'm sure you're wondering where this entire blog is going!


Things came to a head just towards the end of January. My "friend" and I were walking down the corridor towards the cafeteria at college when she suddenly piped up "You're so lucky that you have Bipolar Disorder. Bipolar Disorder is so much better to have than depression because at least you have ups and downs. With depression I just have downs". I was completely gobsmacked!! It's not often that I am rendered speechless but at this I was! Then suddenly I could feel a white hot anger bubbling up inside me. I tried remaining calm, tried pushing it down but it kept bubbling up.


I didn't respond to what she said. I couldn't! I didn't know how!


Then things blew up. Right in my face!!


I'm not one for bitching, it's boring and exhausting! I don't like or dislike anyone enough to sit and bitch! That isn't the case with this person. Her favourite thing to do was to bitch. It wasn't long until I was the subject of the bitching!!


After Christmas I had been very ill. I'd had a drink tampered with at a party on Boxing Day and I developed swine flu and goodness knows what else and was out of service for 2 weeks. Then I got back to college and caught another bug and was rendered useless for another week! I don't like to get sick because it means I have to stay in bed which I'm not very good at!





I'd been out of commission for another week and I'd had a mysterious message come through to my inbox on Facebook. It was from someone I presume had sent the message and then deleted their profile as it came up with "Facebook User".


I won't bore you with the entire message but it was essentially slagging me off for being a 'bitch' and a 'faker' and a 'wannabe'! Now, I won't say that I'm not a bitch because by many standards, I am! I'd describe it as brutally honest!


Well, to read this message from someone claiming I was their "best friend ever" just pissed me right off! I tried to ignore it but it was just eating away at me. Slowly but surely, I lost it! I sent a long and very angry message to the perpetrator telling her exactly what I thought of her and her claims. I'm always honest, to a fault sometimes. I don't 'beat about the bush'. I'm honest to the people I care about and I expect the same back.I was met with "you've been really of with me lately... " Hmm... I'd thought I'd been "off" with everyone on account of being extremely sick!!

I tried not to rise to it. I told her what I thought and left it at that!


Next thing I know, as I'm settling down to dinner and a movie, my buzzer goes! No surprising who was at the door!!


I called to her out the window that I was eating and to leave me alone! She didn't. She remained outside in the cold until I came out about an hour later!

Without boring you with the rest of the story, things were said, tears were shed, repairs were made! Things went along nicely for a while until the 'jealousy' monster reared it's ugly head again. Now I'm at the other end of my journey I've decided to wash my hands of the person in question!!




                                                



When someone has bipolar disorder, the last thing they need is for someone addicted to drama to 'latch on' to them. Unfortunately, I'm too much of a caring person and I like to think I can fix people!! I don't think that will ever change and I guess I will continue to get hurt but I've learnt to stand back a little and let these things progress on their own without feeling guilty about something I have no control over!! Let's hope that in the next phase of my journey 


I can avoid such unhealthy people!!


Keep Smiling :):

2 comments:

  1. some people are just odd to tell the truth I would possibly have steered well clear from the facebook status change onwards but that's me

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes most people would draw the line there but being the helper and fixer that I am I tried to help her!! It's hard dealing with depression in any form and I wanted to let her know that she wasn't alone!!

    ReplyDelete

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