Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Whatever the weather!

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Today has been SUPER hot! It seems every time we have a HOT day at the moment it becomes 'the hottest day on record'!

I can't stand the heat! It makes me loopy! I get tired and irritable (more so than usual!) and I'm not pleasant to be around!

It's 3:53 precisely and I'm not tired! I'm not sure what the reason is but I have a feeling there's an 'episode' on it's way. I've been a little shaky today and I have a thick head (you know, kind of like after you've been out drinking...). I've had trouble focusing recently. I love to create stuff but I haven't really been bothered about it which is strange for me! I've also got some long standing writer's block which seems to be stretching over to my blogging too...!

I have a holiday coming up that I was SUPER looking forward to as it was much needed and with a good friend but now (due to unforeseen circumstances) she isn't going and I have to go with some people I hardly know and that makes me nervous!!

I'm not very good in social situations! I just don't know how I'm supposed to be! I can't just be *me* because people don't generally like that and I can never be bothered to fake it either. I'd say I am like Marmite, you either love me or you hate me!

I can't deal with mundane conversation with people I have no interest in! I know that is real selfish of me but I'm quite quick to judge and I'm not often wrong!! If I don't get a good vibe about someone it's for a good reason!! Once I have that vibe it's hard to change it!

I remember when I first got with my other half, I hadn't been officially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder but some sort of "emotional instability". He kinda gave me a hard time about myself. I had never really realised that I talk about myself A LOT. Having not been given the gift of social skills I found it hard to engage people in conversation! I either give too much or too little and I never know where that balance is!

It was quite frustrating with my OH trying to 'convince' him that I was actually unwell! I don't think he quite grasped how I was ill. It wasn't his fault of course. When you don't hear about these things it's hard to understand them and once you know they exist you have to learn about them to REALLY understand them!

Fortunately for me, after [quite] some time my OH became more aware of my illness and how it affects me! He even bought me a book as mentioned in my Self Help blog. He hasn't yet read it himself but he did read the book I got for him and I think it increased not only his knowledge but also his tolerance.

I have many personality traits that people dislike! I say what I think, I talk too loud (some sort of hearing issue), I wont pretend to please people and I wont lie to spare someone's feelings! I can't change these traits and I wouldn't even if I had the power because that's just me!!  Some people think that I'm self obsessed. I have a very bold front that I like to put on in public because it pains me to think how people would feel if they knew what was under the surface. I couldn't bear the judgement, the shame, the pity...

I've learnt over a love period of time how to hide things. These days I do it without even thinking! It's as natural as breathing for me. I wish I didn't have to of course but we live in a world where the "M" word is a taboo!

I hope that some day we can break that taboo and mental illness can be recognised as an actual illness and not just something that is in our heads! 

Keep Smiling :):

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