I found myself wondering in recent months as to who I am.
Am I the way I am because I have Bipolar Disorder?
I have all the "symptoms" in my personality!
One has to display 3 or 4 of the following symptoms:
Inflated self esteem? Well... I'm awesome! √
Reduced need for sleep? I get about 4/6 hours per night! √
Flight of ideas/racing thoughts? I've always got some sort of 'project' on the go!! √
Distractibility? Oooooh.... look at those pretty flowers..... Sorry, what was I saying?! √
Excessive engagement in high consequence activities including shopping and questionable sexual liaisons? Without revealing too much... I like to shop! √
PLUS at least four of the following
Persistent Sadness? :'( √
Reduced interest or pleasure? Ask my boyfriend!
Change in weight or appetite? I'm currently a fattie! √
Insomnia or oversleeping? I wish I knew what over sleeping was!! √
Restlessness, agitation or lethargy? I can't sit still for five minutes!! √
Fatigue or lack of energy? Does laziness count?
Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt? √√√√√√√√√√√
Problems thinking, concentrating or making decisions? Do I? Dont I? Do I? √
Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide? √
So, you're supposed to display 3 or 4 of the first set of 'symptoms' and at least 4 of the second set! Well...! That's me screwed!!
Seem's I'm pretty much 'text book'!
Reading this from my book was pretty depressing as I've always strived to be a bit different. A bit unique!
It's like the age old chicken and egg quandary. Which came first?!
I've tried to get beyond that school of thought now. My boyfriend reassured me that if you took away my Bipolar Disorder I'd still be the same me. He's lovely like that you see!
I can't even tell you how awful it feels to be completely stripped of your identity! You feel like you're floundering in a sea of nothingness with nowhere to go!
I've tried to shake off these feelings as they're bad for me but I find myself there occasionally, in that deep dark sea just wondering....
WHO AM I?!
I have now come to the conclusion; who cares who I am?!
I'm going to become who I want and it just takes time!!
Today I reached quite a milestone. I survived an ordeal bigger than most. It may not seem like much of an achievement to the average Joe but to me it was quite an ordeal! I met some very interesting people on this little part of my journey, some of whom I hope to keep in my life. One or two others I hope I never see again! One person in particular was quite inspiring to me. Let's call him Mr S.
Mr S is a very interesting person. He shared a lot of his personal experience in order to help us on our journey. He genuinely cares about the people he works with and that shows. That's how I hope to be some day.
The next step of my journey is going to be so much harder! I'm actually quite scared of the next step but I know with the support of the people who I love will get me through it!
Going to take it easy for the Summer and see what happens next!
Keep Smiling :(: