Friday, 12 August 2011

Egomaniac?

Blog starts here


Today I asked my readers (on Facebook) to make some suggestions as to what they would like to read about. I like to blog my thoughts and feelings but I also like to help others learn and also make them see that they are not alone in feeling however they feel.

The one that I chose is as follows:

Please blog about self image. I would like to know that i am not the only one who sometimes really feels like not knowing herself anymore, a voice always popps in and contradicts/opposes/discou​rages me from doing something to a paralysing extent. Do u experience that?

I wrote a blog a while back now titled Who Am I? This blog discusses my confusion about my self. I was feeling like perhaps I had lost my identity because I am bipolar and all that I was was Bipolar.

Self image has been an issue for me for as long as I can remember. Looking back at childhood pictures of myself I can see that I wasn't a cute kid at all!! I have always found myself being put down for how I look as well. My brother used to say to me "Don't worry Kid you'll grow into it" on account of my strangely 'large' jaw! Looking back, I don't think it was actually that big!! He also used to nickname me "Desperate Dan" and "Brucie" [as in Bruce Forsyth]! When I started school I was often called ugly and skinny. Granted, I was painfully thin but not through starvation or anything like that! I guess I just had a high metabolism. I was always on the go!! 


From a young age, I never really cared about my image. I was a person the same as everyone else. I never saw skin colour, eye colour, hair colour, clothing etc. I just saw a person.

When I reached about 17, I became what some people would describe as 'self obsessed'. I noticed that somewhere in the previous months I'd grown some sizeable breasts and a very nice bottom! 

Narcism is a quality we all possess, it's the  extent of the narcism that matters.

I found that by dressing somewhat provocatively (NOT slutty) and being outwardly confident I could hide everything that was going on inside me.




The outward confidence became so natural to me I almost believed in it myself. When I left secondary school I attended college. For some unknown reason I was popular with a lot of my classmates and a lot of the guys I encountered. It became easy to 'show off' and be anyone I wanted to be! 

It was difficult to not let the popularity and my new found confidence go to my head.

Over the years I have refined this skill and I am now perfectly believable as a very happy and fully functioning human being! 



As a child, I was always very imaginative. I loved to read and would often 'disappear' inside the books I read, becoming the characters I was reading about. From this and from watching other people I began to learn how to act happy. 

I often created scenarios in my head of being asked to another child's birthday party or being asked to have a sleepover. These little 'fantasies' made me happy in a place I was unaware existed.

My teachers would often say that I needed to get my head out of the clouds! I didn't want to! I enjoyed being there!! 



I often find myself experiencing internal conflicts. This is like a voice inside my head telling me to do something differently or to change something about myself. It also tells me that I'm not good enough, that I'm a failure. Often I have to ignore this "voice"! 

From time to time, the "voice" becomes so loud inside my head it becomes deafening and I can't help but listen. When I start listening to the "voice" I start to self depreciate. I begin to believe that I am not good enough, that I'm a failure and this will often tip me into a depressive spiral.





As I got older, I refined my narcism so that I didn't appear arrogant or obnoxious although I know a lot of people (some close, some not) would absolutely disagree!! 

In person, I am genuinely extremely shy! I suffer with debilitating anxiety and I find myself floundering. I often can't think quick enough who I'm "supposed to be" around certain people or I make a misjudgement and present myself wrong. This had a sever impact on my social life but I'm not overly bothered by it as I have little interest in other people!! (Apart from my readers of course!!)

I have been on a journey of self discovery over the past few years and I have found out a number of things about myself. Not least that I am self abusive. 

By this I don't mean by harming myself (at least not in the cutting manner) but by taking on friendships/relationships that are bad for me with the belief that I can change the person. I often become obsessed with trying to see the good in these people despite everyone around me showing me that they're bad and that they simply cannot be changed.

My family were the first in a long list of people who took advantage of my generous nature. When I was younger I had a job that paid reasonably well for the age I was at and I had nothing in particular to spend it on given that I lived at home, had limited need for a mobile phone and had no interest whatsoever in following trends or fashion. To that end, I ended up buying lavish gifts for my family and doling out money whenever they asked with a promise of it's return! 



I guess I didn't mind it so much as they were my family, I felt I was duty-bound to look after them. I saw it that my mum had provided for me all my life and it was only right that I gave back where I could.

After some years, it became apparent to me that I was simply being treated as a cash machine! They would lay guilt on me.

" I haven't had a night out in so long" 
"I really need some new trainers, these ones have so many holes in them I might as well not wear them" (said by my brother who had more pairs of trainers than I care to remember)
"I need some food so my baby can eat. You wouldn't want your niece or nephew to starve would you?" (said by my then pregnant sister)
"I want to buy you a really nice birthday/christmas present"(Seriously!)
"The baby needs milk/food/nappies"

The list could go on! 



When I finally left home I found that I was completely high and dry! I had no money whatsoever and I was stuck! Not a single member of my family could (or would) help me out. I was more than willing to pay interest on anything they could help me out with yet their purses were shut tighter than a nun's bajingo! 

I could just hear that voice in the back of my head: 



Once I found myself a stable job I went back to my old ways, giving money out left right and centre! 

This eventually stopped (or slowed considerably) because of an ultimatum issued by one of my closest friend.

However, to this day, I still have spending issues!! I spend a LOT! I discovered buying and selling via Facebook was a very quick way of making and losing a lot of money! Luckily, I've never been into gambling (it scares the crap out of me) and so I spend a lot of money on things I neither need nor have use for!! 

Again, I hear that voice in my head repeating it's mantra!! 




Getting back to the point in hand, after years of practice, I have learnt to be precisely who people want me to me. 

Keep Smiling :(: 

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