Thursday, 4 August 2011

Head's in the shed!

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I've been feeling in a bit of a muddle the past few days!!

I guess I need to start choosing my friends more wisely!! Strange really since I've always had a very suspicious nature. I've always been suspicious that people have an ulterior motive for befriending me and I'm often proved to be right!!

That's not to say I have few friends!! I have many friends but only a handful are in that 'inner circle' and I actually don't think there's a single person who knows me inside and out! There's also the outer circle which is where the majority of people I encounter are placed. Finally I have a far outer circle. These would be just general people I could say hello to in the street but I wouldn't invite to a party!

It's funny how you react to betrayal! I guess it affects different people in different ways. In general, I don't overly care! It sounds harsh but the people in my "outer circle" of friends are... disposable I guess is the right word! These are people who I encounter in one aspect of my life or another and I can live with or without them. 

I guess my biggest problem is that I'm a helper. I like to help people! That's the kind of person I am and more often than not, it leads to me getting walked over! 

Once a person has gotten to my "inner circle" they have me in a position of extreme vulnerability. If they are in that circle they are there for a reason. It is hard to get there and often once people are there, they stay there. Unless, that is, they cross me. Once you have crossed me in that "inner circle" that is it. You are not just sent into exile, you are well and truly obliterated with zero chance of redemption!

Stupidly, I recently let someone come out of exile. Truth be told, I missed him. He was a very good friend - or so I thought!

He managed to disarm me, break down some of my barriers. Then he used it all against me! BASTARD!

Anywho! Another reason that my head is in the shed is I have a doctors appointment tomorrow (technically today)! I'm not feeling particularly good about it! It's only a first appointment, like an initiation or something! HA! 

I guess though that I have to take the chance whilst it's in my hands hey?! I suppose it can't hurt to just mention how I'm feeling. There's no obligation to take the doctor's advice or any prescribed medication.

I'm hoping this hot weather goes away soon!! It's too hot to be alive! The one thing I always gripe about is the heat! I'd happily live in Siberia!! 

My body reacts in the most ridiculous way to heat! I sweat enough as it is with the anxiety I suffer from (sorry if that's TMI!) and the last thing I need is extra heat added on!! I don't like to wear too few clothes, not least because of my self consciousness but also on account of my scars! 

So I usually feel like I'm melting!! 

Aside from the sweating, I also get REALLY cranky when it's hot! I get a headache and I feel tired and if anyone irritates me even slightly I will fly off the handle!! 

I'm heading away this weekend with the other half's family. Hopefully I can have a nice bit of relaxation time! We're staying in this country which takes away the hideousness of travel but we'll be close to the beach I believe!

Anywho, I'm getting tired and I know I'll be tossing and turning all night on account of my doctor's appointment so I better at least TRY to sleep!! 

Keep smiling! :(:

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