Thursday, 1 September 2011

I'm NOT going to give up DO YOU HEAR ME?!

Blog starts here

Today I had my appointment with a psychiatrist. I hadn't wanted to do it because I hate having to talk about things that have happened in the past. There are also a lot of things that no one knows about me and I don't ever intend on sharing. To that end, I guess it would be difficult to make a finite diagnosis.

So after an hour of emotional turmoil, sharing a lot of my deepest darkest secrets, the psychiatrist had some "good news" for me!

The Bipolar Kid does NOT have Bipolar Disorder!! Neither does The Bipolar Kid suffer depression nor any other ailment that requires medical attention!! There had been a possible 'suggesion' of Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotional Instability but apparently, everyone suffers this at some point in their life. 

Apparently it is typical of teens and people in their early twenties to suffer what may FEEL like depression but is really just a short period of sadness. Ok, so this "short period of sadness"? Is this really supposed to last upwards of 10 years? Is it supposed to make me want to throw myself under every passing car? Of every bridge? Should it make me want to kill myself by slashing my wrists, taking an overdose, drinking too much?!  Should it make me cut myself whenever I feel I can't cope? YES? REALLY?! Silly me!! There was me thinking there was ACTUALLY SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME!!  I guess my partner was right after all... IT'S ALL IN MY HEAD! 

So there you have it!!  There is nothing wrong with me!! I'm just a little sad and it will pass!! 

The fact that I have a healthy stable relationship, a high stressed job and am about to do a degree is conclusive proof that there is nothing mentally wrong! 

My "psychiatrist" recommended that I join this group with other people like me who feel a sense of worthlessness and suffer persistent sadness despite the fact that I told her that being in large (or even small) groups of people makes me feel so anxious and uneasy that I feel at any given moment I might either spontaneously combust or projectile vomit or worse... both!! 

Furthermore, in her "professional opinion as a psychiatrist" she has recommended that I take up yoga! 




Wasting money I don't have sitting around with a bunch of pretentious, mindless ARSEHOLES stretching and giving thanks to the universe?! WOW! Whoever thought I was THAT far off the mark?! 

I am well aware of the 'powers' of meditation and how it is good to have a balance of energies, I used to meditate a lot but Yoga classes here where I live are full of pretentious middle aged women bragging about who has the biggest cars and the best 401k's and whose kid is the most genius! It is NOT a place for people like me who feel uncomfortable around people in just normal circumstances, never mind anything else!!

She 'very sweetly' said to me that there as been a recent surge of people 'believing' they have bipolar disorder in light of Catherine Zeta-Jones' revelation and "she is not the first celebrity to have caused a sensation with their illness". There was Robbie Williams with his Bipolar Disorder, Kerry Katona with hers, Cheryl Cole with her Malaria, Bill Clinton's blocked arteries (yes really!) Ronald Regan's Alzheimer's, Jade Goodey's cancer... the list goes on! 

Essentially, what she is saying is that I have a BIG FAT CASE OF HYPOCHONDRIA! 

Gee! Thanks doc! 

Any wonder I avoid the doctors like the plague?!

So, you would think I would be pleased with this diagnosis right? I mean, who WANTS to have a mental disorder? Who WANTS to be stigmatised? Not me that's for sure. Doesn't make me happy about her diagnosis. Much the opposite. It has made my blood boil and made me so furiously angry that I am now incandescent! 

I have been living my life trying to cope with my depression, trying to be positive about it, trying to learn about bipolar disorder and the ways of managing it without medication.

I will find a second opinion, even if I have to pay!

I guess I have to keep fighting. Today I have had the wind knocked clean out of my sails but it seems that stopping my blog may not only be detrimental to myself but to my readers too.

I know I'm anonymous and we won't ever meet but your all such great friends helping me through this tough time!!

Keep Smiling :):


No comments:

Post a Comment

Thanks for your comment!!