Friday, 2 September 2011

A ranty blog I found of mine!

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People are always asking me: "What's wrong?" "Why are you so depressed?" "Why are you happy one minute and angry the next?"


I have Bipolar Disorder! Yes the TABOO that is Mental Illness! I don't deserve to be LOCKED UP, SHUNNED, IGNORED, TREATED LIKE SCUM!

You cant see, touch, hear, feel or smell bipolar disorder but it is VERY real! People with mental illnesses are often overlooked because there is no physical ailment to go with it! What do they want? A rash across my ass that spells out the word BIPOLAR???

I do not have to be ashamed any more and I refuse to hide it! 

My life made me this way!  Those who hurt me and made me cry, they know what they did and only THEY know why. I'm not a petty person, I don't want revenge. I just want to be me! 

I am a goon! I am a big kid! I am your best friend or I am your worst enemy!

The smallest things piss me off and YES I flip out disproportionately but you spend 5 minutes inside my head and come out sane!

I can't FEEL most emotions so I have to physically feel it so yes, sometimes I cut myself but this is NOT for attention either! It's for ME and ME ONLY!

I have many internal conflicts going on at any one time! The most common conflict is that I am not worthy of living. Now this may sound like "attention seeking" to the average uneducated person but believe me it is not! Yes I think daily about suicide, sometimes every hour but it doesn't mean that I am going to kill myself.  I have known and still know many people who often say "oh I might as well kill myself" in all honesty, these people might as well do just that! They are stupid and attention seekers! They take a handful of aspirin and then call you and say "I've just taken an overdose"! Believe me, if you were GENUINELY suicidal, this is NOT the approach to take! Those who have some amount of functioning brain cells know that you CAN'T kill yourself with a handful of aspirin! Aspirin simply makes you sleepy! If you were going to commit suicide, you wouldn't think about it, you wouldn't discuss the methods you wouldn't announce it via a social networking site and you certainly wouldn't call anyone when you've taken the "lethal overdose"! 

I am a self abusive person and it took me a long time to even realise what this was never mind that I was it! I get myself into situations where I cant win, no matter how hard I try and I cant give up either! I mix with people who make me feel guilty or bad for how I act. I get tattoos which are symbolic to me and are also pleasurably painful (or painfully pleasurable whichever way you want to see it!) I also try to fix people who are beyond fixing! I am a CAN DO person and I want to succeed in everything I do because if for one second I give less than 100% then I might as well not even bother! 

At the end of the day, I'm NOT hurting anyone! I am good at the things I do, I am GREAT around kids, I am creative, smart funny, cheeky, beautiful and full of LOVE.

I have heard people say "My 'friend' has Bipolar Disorder and they're nothing like that" Chances are, they're probably NOT Bipolar but if they are  they are probably medicated. There is the difference between a lot of people with Bipolar Disorder and me....! I am surviving on the love and support of my friends and what little family I have left.

I don't make friends easily, I'm [actually] very shy until you get to know me. I have trust issues as I have been hurt more than you could EVER imagine!  People laugh when I say I am shy because I am so loud and occasionally obnoxious... Well... Depression 101 "low self esteem was camouflaged from my friends, family and colleagues by an outgoing and apparently cheerful and entertaining personality." Why do people who suffer depression act like this? Well, we have a disproportionate feeling of guilt. We feel bad about feeling bad! We are well aware that there are people out there who have much worse lives than us but it's all relative! 

Why am I telling everyone this? Because I am tired of the judgement, tired of being the strong one, the brave one, the one everyone can rely on! 

Getting well again is going to be a SLOW process for me. I know who I can count on to support me and the rest are just baggage and so what do I do? I get rid of the baggage! Yes it is hard to turn my back on those I love but it is necessary for me to get better.

I am not taking anti-depressants. This is just a ridiculous notion for me! Doctors prescribe medications all to quickly! Believe me, I know! I know many people who are on anti-depressants who are not depressed by any stretch of the imagination! They are simply down! My theory is, if I change my lifestyle I can get better! This is the process! First of all I need to combat my dislike for doctors! I need to feel READY to go and see someone! I have already had therapy and it didn't work, it just made me feel worse! Secondly, I need to believe I can get better. I go through periods of self doubt and then self belief! I need to believe in myself for long enough before I can get the necessary help. Admitting you have a problem is one of the hardest things to do, asking for help is even harder and then accepting the help! It is a constant battle for me and for many others who suffer.

I don't want attention, sympathy, pity. I don't care what people think of me. I'm not going to sit and cry or announce that I am going to kill myself if no one sees my little outbursts or offers me "sympathetic" words when they do see.  I want acknowledgement and understanding. I want the world to realise that a mental disorder is as real as any other disorder. Just because you cant see something doesnt mean it's not there! If you cant give me that.... then PISS OFF! I will probably do better without you in my life anyway!! 

Keep Smiling :(: 

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