Thursday, 20 October 2011

What becomes of the broken hearted?

Blog starts here

In the summer of 1966 Jimmy Ruffin sang:

As I walk this land of broken dreams,
I have visions of many things.
Love's happiness is just an illusion,
Filled with sadness and confusion.

This is how I feel at the moment.  I recently split with my long term partner and I feel very sad and confused.

When it happened, I have to say I felt the lowest I have ever felt in my life. I felt that life could not get any worse and I wanted to die. I took myself off to the park opposite where I live and I walked down to the lake. I had a bottle of vodka and a knife. I imagined myself lay in the lake, drunk from the vodka, my wrists bleeding and I would slowly drown or freeze to death but one person saved me that night. She is my absolute best friend in the world and she may not even realised that she saved my life.

My friends and family have been so very supportive and I cannot thank them enough. A combination of them helping me and working and going to university have kept me going though.

Winston churchill once said "if you're going through hell, keep going". I'm going through hell right now and I'm going to keep going, hard as it might prove to be.

Everyone says that things happen for a reason and this is so very true.

In the same song, Jimmy also sang:

I know I've got to find,
Some kind of peace of mind,
I'll be searching everywhere,
Just to find someone to care.
I'll be looking everyday,
I know I'm gonna find a way.
Nothings gonna stop me now,
I'll find a way somehow.
I'll be searching everywhere...

I hope that I can reach that place some day. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week or even next year but some day.

One day my heart will heal and I'll be able to smile again and mean it. But for now, Keep Smiling for me.  


Monday, 3 October 2011

Shedding a little light...

Blog starts here

I had been writing a lengthy blog to make up for my more than 2 week absence however, I feel this blog must take precedence.

This weekend I went home to see my family. It wasn't as bad as it has often been, nonetheless, it was no less tiring!! I was falling asleep in uni today!

So, why is this blog so important?

Well, as you may already be aware, I have been 'undiagnosed' with Bipolar Disorder and it has deeply troubled me (hence my absence). I have been racking my brains for a way to SHOW the doctor what I have wrong with me! 

I figured if I can find some information about my childhood, perhaps I could shed a little light on things. I appear to have repressed anything before my late teen years!! 

I contacted my school to see if I could obtain copies of my school records. Apparently, I'm just a little too late since the records are destroyed after 10 years. I have also contacted the Social Services in my home town to see if they have any files on me but so far they haven't got back to me. I needed a Plan B!

Today I came up with Plan B.

I figured that my family must know a lot about my childhood that I have either forgotten or repressed. There is one relative who I know I can trust implicitly and is one of the few people who will be able to present me with the COLD HARD TRUTH! My Aunty X! 

I fired off a text to her this morning and she gave me a call. What I learnt in that next hour about myself troubled me deeply!! 

She told me that yes, she remembers that I was a self harmer of sorts form as young as a year old! This in itself is shocking enough but she then went on to detail various accounts for me. I needed to hear these no matter how painful. It would appear that as a child, I would often run out into the streets directly into the path of oncoming vehicles, when bathing, I would often hold myself under the water, when I was criticised in any way I would hit my head repeatedly against walls and quite possibly one of the most disturbing recollections was that I was found in someone's (I don't remember who's she said) garden with a skipping rope wrapped so tightly around my neck that it had to be cut off. She told me that I was with my cousin who the whole family knows to be totally messed up and has inflicted things upon me in the past in a fit of rage or jealousy or whatever. It is unknown as to whether she did this to me or whether I did it myself. Either way, it has deeply disturbed me.

It seems that I was also constantly up and down, my Aunty X described me as black or white, no grey areas!

Unfortunately for my mother, she seemed to be the one blamed for a lot of my troubles but that's because no one realised how much of a selfish, manipulative man my father was! It seems at the time I was simply branded as naughty.

I also often called myself "stupid" and would hit myself repeatedly in the face. I can remember some such incidents and in fact I'm still called stupid to this day. Stupid is one thing that I most certainly not. I have always known I was academically gifted. I was reading from a young age and had such a thirst for knowledge! I was always asking questions and never satisfied with the answers I would always enquire further! 

This weekend my brother said to me "Stop using big words and trying to make yourself sound smart!" This is so typical of my brother and it is not a new torment! I guess I just have to suffer for his inadequacies! 

To that end, I have asked my Aunty X to write a letter for my GP detailing these things from my childhood. Here's hoping I can get things sorted once and for all! Stay tuned for any updayes! 

Keep Smiling :):