Friday, 16 November 2012



I need to talk about withdrawal. I'm not talking about medication here but something else.

Today I am 38 days cut free. I thought this was a good thing. In the short term, this really is great. It is the longest I have been. It is a step closer to my goal, my scars are healing up nicely and who knows, by the Summer I may be able to wear skirts/shorts again without several pairs of tights.

So, you want to know what the problem is? WITHDRAWAL! That's right. I'm suffering from withdrawal from cutting. How is that possible you might ask? Let me explain it to you; for me, cutting has been like a drug. When I cut, I feel a euphoric rush of adrenaline. I feel better, I feel freer, my mind feels clearer. Suddenly, I've stopped cutting and now I can't find that euphoria. I have no release. No adrenaline rush... That, my friends, is withdrawal!

I have started having visions/hallucinations/flashbacks, I can't sleep properly, my motor control is suffering, I'm hearing voices, I'm feeling angry and irritable all the time. I haven't started lashing out yet but I know I will. I don't want to but that's what happens.

Before I was cutting again (after the first time there was a gap of a few years) I was a very angry person. I was in a very violent relationship and my outlet was aggression. I would punch walls, smash things, break things and eventually, I almost killed my ex partner! He was a bully. He would tell me how to dress, how to act, what to like, what to eat... He checked my emails and text messages and I couldn't leave the house without him. If I did anything that displeased him, he'd hit me. He was very clever with this. He wouldn't hit me where bruises might be visible. If by chance a bruise WAS visible, he'd tell me what to wear in order to cover it up. Also, I'm quite thick skinned so I don't bruise easily, this worked to his advantage.

Things came to a head one June afternoon in. I remember the day as clear as if it was yesterday. It was in the midst of the World Cup and my mum's birthday was approaching. I had received a compensation cheque for an injury I'd sustained some years earlier. With this cheque I was going to go shopping and buy my mum a birthday present. I'd gone to the bathroom to take a shower and I took my phone with me so I could listen to my music. My ex, P, came to the bathroom and tried to open the door. It was locked. Since it was just the two of us living together, we didn't tend to bother with locking doors. This obviously angered P and he started pounding on the door. I simply ignored him and continued to shower. I could hear him thumping and kicking at the door. I knew he'd hit me for this so I continued my shower regardless. I got dressed at a leisurely pace and exited the bathroom. He was stood outside the door waiting. I could see the anger in his face and I simply ignored him and walked past him. He started to shout accusations at me. I'd taken my phone with me to make secret calls, I was sending dirty pictures to other men, I was performing sex acts via video call for other men. This was his reasoning for me locking the door. All of which were false.

I continued to ignore him and he pulled me by my hair and shoved me against the wall. My head hit the wall and I simply saw red. I lunged at him and grabbed him by the throat. I pushed him up against the opposite wall, I'd somehow gathered enough strength to lift him clean off the ground. His face was turning a deep purple and his eyes were bulging. I hissed at him; "If you ever touch me again I will fucking kill you." All the while my grip was tightening around his throat. His eyes were watering and bloodshot. He was drooling and his breath was shallow and raspy. Suddenly, I realised what I was doing and I let him go. He slid to the floor choking,retching, crying and gasping for air.  In that moment I grabbed my bag and ran from the house.

I have neither before nor since been so violent towards another person. I almost killed him. I knew that and I didn't care.

After I left P, I spent 2 weeks in a drug and alcohol filled haze before returning to London to try and restore my life.

The intervening years between then and now are somewhat hazy but at some point my self harm started again. It was on and off for a length of time until about 3 years ago or so when it became a regular thing again.

Does it make more sense now? How I'm actually suffering withdrawal??

So, what do I do?! I'm trying very hard to simply push through. I know that relapses happen often in the withdrawal period. I've tried snapping an elastic band against my wrist. I have also tried distraction methods. I'm trying to talk to my Mr Aussie about things but it's so difficult. I don't want him to suffer because of my suffering and I know that depression can be "contagious" in this manner. Given that he is younger than me, I worry about the effect my problems will have on him. Furthermore, he has grown up around depression and mental illness and therefore he is more predisposed to suffering himself.

I have reached out to a service I believe may be of help to me but right now I feel like I'm wading through thick mud and getting nowhere fast!

I would be interested to hear if anyone else has suffered this kind of withdrawal with self harm and how they managed to overcome it.

Until next time,

Keep Smiling :):

Thursday, 8 November 2012



I have been asked a few times now what a 'trigger' is.

Triggers can mean different things for different people. It could be a film, a word, a picture... Sometimes, we don't even know what has triggered us. Either way, it often works in the same manner. You see/hear/experience something that shifts your mood. Oftentimes, with myself, triggers shift me from good to bad but they can go the other way too. From good to manic.

It is often difficult for me to be aware of what has triggered me. More often than not I don't actually know what has triggered me unless I specifically think about it (which I want to avoid doing if I want to change my state of mind!)

Yesterday I watched a film that triggered me slightly. You may have heard of it, it's called Boys Don't Cry and stars Hillary Swank.  It's about a young girl, Teena Brandon, who suffers a gender identity crisis and tries to live her life as a boy. Unfortunately, this is actually based on a true story. 

The main topic of the film isn't what left me feeling triggered. It was several side themes - bullying, self harm, having to live your life as someone else.

Another film that triggers me is Pink Floyd's The Wall. I have actually seen this film several times and I really enjoy watching it since I am a Pink Floyd fan. I don't think though that I have yet managed to watch it and NOT be affected.

I imagine you want to know why I would watch things that I know could trigger me? Well, the answer is simple! I don't want to lead a sheltered life, I don't want to be wrapped in cotton wool, hidden from the darkness that is prevalent in everyday society. Besides, if it's not a film that triggers me it could quite easily be something that I would encounter in everyday life. Seeing a knife in my kitchen, a razor blade in my bathroom, a song that I've heard a thousand times, someone mentioning the words "cut", "scar", "alone"... I could go on but the list would be endless. So, you see, I cannot really avoid triggers. 

I'm not saying I actively seek to be triggered though. That is not my intention at all. By watching The Wall several times I am not trying to trigger myself. I am simply enjoying music by an artist I love in a visual format. Also, I want to be able to understand the journey that 'Pink' is on as it's not dissimilar to my own journey and, indeed, the journey that anyone suffering mental anguish is on.

Using my Facebook page to communicate with other sufferers often also triggers me. I try to accept as many people as I can on my page but I do seem to pick up people who trigger me a lot. I self harm and yes, I load my pictures onto my Facebook page. I don't do this for attention, despite what many people say. I do this so that I can actively keep an eye on myself, also there are people on my page who like to keep an eye on me too. The album itself has a trigger warning on it and I always delete the pictures from my news feed so that it doesn't show up on other people's pages. Some simply aren't so considerate. 

Some people say they understand how I feel. They say that they know what I'm going through. 

I'm not saying that NO ONE understands or that I am the ONLY person suffering such things but there are many people who come across my Facebook page and try and put themselves in my shoes. I also encounter people in my day-to-day life who say the same. They may have felt a little bit of depression, they may have had a little upset and felt like perhaps they wanted to end their lives in a fit of rage or whatever emotions "normal" people feel. This is most certainly something that triggers me more than many things. I don't ever ask for sympathy for what I am going though, it's my experience, it belongs to me. I share my experiences to help others but I would never say to another sufferer "I know how you feel" because even if we're going through the same things, I DON'T know how they're feeling. People deal with issues in different ways. No two people suffer the same traumas in the same manner.

Today, I am 30 days cut free! 


Two weeks ago, I had a fight with my new boyfriend, it was a silly thing which I was mostly to blame for. We'd had a nice evening out with some of my friends but we went to a place where there were demons for me which I mistakenly thought I was ready to face. Unfortunately, this triggered me quite badly. I hadn't managed to explain this to Mr Aussie as I tend to bury my head in the sand and pretend things aren't happening.

The thing is, you may try to run from your problems but they will ALWAYS follow you and mine did! We'd finished out night out, me being my typical moody self and went back to where Mr Aussie lives. We had a bit of fun and a few laughs on the journey back to his but when we got into the cab things changed. I'm quite a domineering person in a relationship. Don't think BDSM and bondage... I just like to be in control. That way I don't get hurt as bad (or so is my intention!). Mr Aussie is of a similar personality and did or said something that pissed me off, I can't quite remember what it was and frankly, I don't think it was even that bad. However, I had 2 options, fight or flight! I didn't want to fight him so I ran!

I don't know the area where Mr Aussie lives very well so he was, of course, concerned but when I run I need to be alone. Again, I hadn't really explained about this to him so his reaction was normal. 

I just walked and ended up by a small brook. I find water very peaceful for some reason so I just sat there watching it rushing over the stones, watching the fish swimming and wishing I was one of them. At some point, I remembered I had a razor blade in my purse. I'm not sure why I carried it with me as I would never cut myself when I'm out and about. Mr Aussie was calling/texting me but I kept ignoring him. I took the blade out of my purse and started mindlessly playing with it. Next thing I heard Mr Aussie calling out my name. I still didn't want to see him so I ignored him then he appeared on the other side of the brook. He couldn't figure out a way around so he simply walked through the water to reach me! 

I was still angry so I didn't care that he'd done that. I didn't care how worried he was about me, I just wanted to be on my own! He tried to talk to me but I ignored him. He then must have noticed I had a blade in my hand so obviously he was concerned, he didn't say anything to me but I could hear him muttering and fretting behind me. That just made me angrier at him so I just continued to sit, watching the water, playing with the blade and wishing I was one of those fish just carefree in the water.

Eventually, I managed to arouse myself, I realised what I was doing to Mr Aussie and simply threw the blade into the water and watched it sink. In that split second as I watched it go, I wanted more than anything to jump in after it but I let it go. It doesn't sound like much but that for me was a very big achievement! I then got up and silently followed him back to his.

When we got back to his, I noticed his hand was somewhat bruised and swollen. In his panic looking for me he'd punched something! We'd already had a discussion about this. This was self harm. The same as me cutting myself. We spoke about things and I explained to him why I ran and how it is something that I do often and if he wants to be with me it's simply something that he has to get used to. This may sound selfish but I'd rather run away than get into a physical fight with him.

The thing is, I love Mr Aussie so I know I need to change to make our relationship work. We both need to make changes and hopefully we'll get through these times together. Being 30 days cut free is a HUGE achievement for me and is the longest I've been since I started cutting again whenever it was!! 

So these are the things that I go through when I'm feeling triggered. I'd like to hear about other people's triggers and how other people deal with them.

Until next time,

Keep Smiling :): 

Tuesday, 23 October 2012



Just over a year ago I went through a very bad relationship breakdown.

You may recall the song I quoted by Jimmy Ruffin - What Becomes of the Broken Hearted.  Well it seems, more than a year on, I have now reached this part of the song:

I know I've got to find,
Some kind of peace of mind,
I'll be searching everywhere,
Just to find someone to care.
I'll be looking everyday,
I know I'm gonna find a way.
Nothings gonna stop me now,
I'll find a way somehow.
I'll be searching everywhere...

I have actually found not only a man to give my heart to but one who has returned his to me.

I actually haven't thought about 'him' in quite some time but what I have thought about is how I felt that day. I was quite literally on the edge of life and ready to plunge head first into the icy fire of death. It was all set out. I'd downed the vodka, knife was in hand and lake was before me... I was going to end it all.

My Mr Aussie and I went to a park some time back, before we'd actually decided to be together, and sat by a lake. For me, it was a test to see if there were any residual feelings left over from my previous life. I'm pleased to say that there weren't! What I also realised at that point was no matter what went on for the rest of my life, I wanted Mr Aussie to be a part of it in some capacity.

After that evening, I'd been feeling a mass of confusion and conflict. On the one hand, here is this guy who is so sweet, so kind, so gentle, so honest and so right but on the  other hand there was me, with a heart broken so bad there could possibly be no way to fix it.

However, I have decided to take that leap, to give Mr Aussie my heart and to trust that he won't break it. Honestly, I genuinely think that he wont break my heart. If anything, I may well break his. I really hope that I don't but it is possible.

Before we got together I sent him countless warnings but he still came for me, relentless, unwavering, determined to have me. Well, I guess there's only so many times you can say no before you just decide "FUCK IT! Why shouldn't I be happy?!" And guess what? I actually AM happy. I can actually feel it too!! I wish I could describe it to you so that you may share in it but I actually have no idea how to describe this feeling!! 

I know I still have a long way to go and the road is full of danger and darkness but with My Aussie holding my heart, I can make it through to the other side!! 

Today it has been 2 weeks since I cut myself. I know it's not long but it's a start. I have decided that if I can go cut free for 6 months then I will treat myself to a tattoo to cover up the scars. I am still working on what I want specifically but I am thinking along the lines of a phoenix rising from the flames.

I have made myself a little inspiration board that I hang on my bedroom wall and update daily. It is full of little quotes and snippets to try and keep myself on the right track.

Anyway, I have to go to uni now, I just wanted to share my happiness with everyone after so much darkness.

As ever, thanks to each and every reader. If I could shake each one of you warmly by the hand, believe me, I would. Unfortunately, you are all scattered about the globe and I am but one person! Besides, I'm still anonymous. Although, what do you think of my new header image? That's actually me!! 

Keep Smiling :(:

Sunday, 21 October 2012

Don't dream it, be it


Where have I been recently? To hell and back! Seriously! Just when I think things can't possibly get any worse, something even more fucked up happens in my life!! I have been getting a lot of trouble from an "ex" who has been trying to tear me down and make a fool out of me and that's just the smallest thing!!

I have been drinking a lot of late! I know it's not good for me but I have needed to blot out a lot of shit that has been going on in my life!! For the past... oh, 3 weeks or so I have been completely manic. Let's face it I have been out of control! I have spent an inordinate amount of money, mostly on alcohol, and I have practically been on the ceiling!!

There are a lot of things I have come to realise lately. I think I have probably always known these things but never really acknowledged them.

The biggest thing is allowing myself to be happy. I am sure some of you have been through this and I would love to hear about your experiences.

I deny myself happiness. I will either avoid situations that will make me happy or I will sabotage what I have with someone. I guess that fits in with my self destructive personality.

We all have a self destruct button and some of us can't help but poke at it. It's not that I want to be unhappy, some people who don't know me so well believe that I enjoy being miserable. They believe I want to be this way... Oh how little they know! 

I met this guy through an online dating site and he seemed rather nice and strangely seemed very interested in me. We had three dates but on the third date, we were at my place boozing and taking cocaine until 6am! That's not good! I haven't actually seen him since then and I've not heard from him in a while either. I think it's safe to say that I got out of that one before things got out of hand! I do very much so have an addictive personality and I know that a relationship with this guy could have easily destroyed me and everything I have worked so hard to achieve! I also have a history of using both alcohol and drugs to blot out bad times and I don't wish to go down either of those roads again!! 

I do seem to have these habits though of attracting strange and unusual people!! A few weeks ago one of my very close friends came to visit me and as per a little tradition we created we went to this really nice pub. Initially we were going there just for food... £250 later, I was stealing someone's kebab and eating ice cream off the floor!!  During the course of the evening, my friend and I ingratiated ourselves with a very sweet Aussie bar man. We invited him to join us for a drink after his shift which he politely declined but after much arm twisting he did! We ended up having a wonderful evening and now seemingly Mr Aussie is now my other half! Stranger things have happened I suppose.  I have also met both of his parents (I met his dad whilst I was hung over and wearing a towel!) and we get along very well!! 

I was reading something earlier that interested me about the correlation between people with BPD (which is what we are saying I have for now) and people with tattoos. Obviously, not all people with BPD have tattoos and not all people with tattoos have BPD but there is a connection and I certainly have that link.

For me, a tattoo is a way of causing myself pain without people thinking I'm an attention seeker. Although, there is another kind of stigma altogether connected with tattoos, one which I face daily along with my coloured hair!!  I would be interested to hear from anyone in similar situations who enjoy the pain of a tattoo!

I have been writing this blog for about 2 weeks now so I'm trying to remember everything that has gone on since my last one. One thing that happened recently, I had a very near breakdown whilst working. I moonlight occasionally as a photographer shooting a live performance show. I've been involved with this show since they started out in June last year and I have thoroughly enjoyed my time working with such beautiful people but for the sake of my own sanity I had to take a step back. 

However, I do have some new ventures in the works. I am going to be working as a volunteer mentoring a child who has had a difficult upbringing. I had a troubled childhood myself and I feel that I have a lot to offer a child. I just finished my 2 days training today and I am completely exhausted but it is something I have wanted to do for a very long time! I am also working on a novel which will be fun!! 

I am also moving again soon so that will be a bit of a challenge too!! 

I guess the thing to take away from this blog is, "If you can dream it, you can do it" (Walt Disney). 

I think I will end my blog here for now as I have written quite a lot and my mind is starting to race trying to think what else to write!! 

Do be sure to give me a shout either via Facebook or by writing in my Questions section. Also, please do come and make some Suggestions as to what you may like me to write about next! I really do enjoy the feedback I receive from this blog.

Until next time,

Keep Smiling :(: 

Saturday, 1 September 2012

Better late than never!


I have been promising a blog for quite some time but I haven't been able to write. Partially because I haven't felt like it and partially because I just haven't been able to find the words.

There was a blue moon last night. I felt that it was quite fitting to my mood. Not to mention it was very fitting for the funeral of Neil Armstrong.

I have always believed that the phases of the mood can affect one's moods. I know there has been a lot of research into this and I believe it is still inconclusive but I always find that during a full moon my emotions are heightened whether they be good or bad.

So what has been going on with me recently? On 13 August, I had the first of 2 psychiatric analyses. It was not very pleasant. I had been waiting for this appointment since January and when I put my name down I was living in a specific borough. By the time the appointment came through I had moved to a different borough and I was worried that they would refuse to see me. Thankfully though, the psychiatrist told me that since I'd made the appointment in my old borough they would continue to see me there.

I was so incredibly anxious about going that I was sweating inordinate amounts. I had severe tremors and my breathing was shallow and heavy. When I arrived, the psychiatrist took me into a small office and asked me to sit down. For the first few minutes we were just looking at each other and nothing was said. It was very awkward and uncomfortable.

After a time she said to me "Talk about anything you want...". Naturally I told her why I was there to see her. Raking up old bones same as usual, me getting emotional, her not saying anything. There were more awkward silences which was excruciating for me. After some time, she said to me "I see you have told me all of the bad things". I was slightly stunned by this. I figured that the reason I was seeking help was to deal with the bad things in my life that were causing me mental anguish. I felt like I was somehow in the wrong. Like I wasn't supposed to tell her about my problems.

Once I was sufficiently emotionally battered, our session came to an end. Her recommendation was that I went through Metalization Based Therapy which is a form of therapy recommended for people suffering Borderline Personality Disorder. Despite the fact that I told her that 'group therapy' caused me incredible unease she still recommended it stating that the only way to overcome a fear was to face it head on!

After leaving her office I headed to the toilet to immediately throw up! I hadn't even eaten anything but I felt so sick I had to purge my body of whatever it was inside me!

When I left the hospital I went to the park and just sat for a few hours in the rain. It was empty and so I felt secure just hiding out.

When I got home I felt troubled. I felt dizzy and confused. Like perhaps I had said the wrong things to the psychiatrist. No matter, there was nothing I could do to change it now. It took me a few days to 'get over' how I was feeling.

My followup appointment was a week later. I felt the same anxieties before attending. This time she asked me a lot of questioned about the things that I had said the previous week. She told me that after analysing the things that I said she no longer thought MBT was right for me and that she recommended long term psychotherapy on a one to one basis. This made me feel much more relieved as I still couldn't shake the unease I was feeling about the group stuff.

I told her that since my previous appointment I cut myself as I was feeling so distressed. She was concerned that by me undergoing psychotherapy my cutting may become worse. Unfortunately, that's a risk we will have to take.

Two days after my second appointment I received a letter from the psychiatrist saying that I'd been shortlisted for MBT. I was surprised at the speed that I'd received the letter but upset that I had been put forward for MBT given how I feel about group therapy. I have decided, however, that I will go through with the MBT and see how things go.

So that's pretty much what is happening at the moment, there are other little niggles that are bothering me but I have written enough for today and I am currently feeling emotionally shattered.

Thanks for reading and Keep Smiling :(:

Thursday, 9 August 2012

What's going on?!


Hello world!

I haven't been as faithful to my blog as I would have liked. I have been writing it now for just over a year and I can't seem to keep at it daily and more recently it's become so sporadic I'm almost leaving it a month between blogs!!

So what's going on with me?! Not a lot really! I still haven't got round to registering with the doctors yet. I don't think I'm ready to go through explaining everything over again to someone new. I wish doctors would simply READ my notes and be up to speed with everything!!

I also managed to FAIL miserably on all 3 of my habits! I didn't manage to quit smoking, I tried biting my nails instead of cutting and last night the urge just took me over and I cut myself again!  This morning I woke up feeling horribly disappointed in myself. 

I'm not sure what's going on with me at the moment but I'm feeling rather disconnected and I've been thinking a lot about my ex who I still love so much that it physically hurts!

I'm not really feeling much like writing more so I'll leave this one here for now and I'll try and be back soon! 

Keep Smiling :): 

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

A new chapter...


Hello readers!

Once again more time has elapsed since my last blog than I would like.  However, I have mostly good things to report!!

I got a letter on Saturday saying that I'd passed my first year of university!! It made me VERY happy! I then went out with some friends Saturday evening to celebrate that and my friend's birthday.

Another reason I have to celebrate, I have been cut free since I wrote my last blog. I feel very proud of myself!! I have managed to break two habits! Keep your fingers crossed for me! To stop smoking is my next goal!! 

I had a brief period just before I moved where I couldn't leave the house. It really wasn't nice. I'm not sure what caused it but thankfully it didn't last! 

I moved house on 20 June and I love my new place. I have a garden AND a balcony! It's great because if I don't feel up to leaving the house I can sit on the balcony and get the fresh air I need.

I still haven't been to see a doctor yet but I know that's going to take some time as I will have to register as a new patient and I always find it very difficult to go over the whole process of what's going on etc etc. I'd only just started to trust my last GP! 

There are some issues I'm hoping to attend to in the near future when I think I'll be stable enough to face any possible backlash and I'm hoping soon I can carry on with writing my novel! 

All in all, I'm feeling really good and really happy which makes a change so i wanted to spread the joy!!

Keep Smiling :):

Sunday, 24 June 2012

Judge not...


Mental illness is a rather taboo subject right? Just like homosexuality? What about race? Religion? Culture? It's all taboo right?

Well it shouldn't be!!

People are too quick to judge others. I believe it's not because they don't like the mentally ill, homosexuals or people from different races, religions, cultures etc. I think it is due to the fear of the unknown.

Thankfully, people are more accepting of homosexuals these days. The same goes for people from all over the world... except for the mentally ill.

I believe that people are not educated enough on these matters. Sometimes it may not be their fault. If they don't encounter mentally ill people why would they need to learn? Unfortunately, however, some people are just closed minded. These are the people that create challenges for people with mental illnesses in their every day lives. They may or may not understand about mental illnesses, they simply don't care! 

I recently wrote a thematic analysis about the media portrayal of mental illness. One particular theme I noticed throughout the article I was working on was animalistic. The article I was assigned was about Raoul Moat, you may have heard about what he did in 2010. According to this article, Moat had made threats whilst he was in prison. The article described him as having "eyes like a mad bull". Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying Moat is a victim in any way so please don't think that, the point of my analysis was to see how the media portrayed mental illness.

From the article, it was unclear as to whether Moat actually had a diagnosed illness however, there were numerous references to him being 'mad' and 'crazy'. This may well be true, however, this is not true of mentally ill people. From this article, I felt that the author was branding mentally ill people as 'crazy animals'. That's not fair and it's not true! 

I made a short video for my Youtube page which you can see below:

I'm not saying that all mentally ill people are sound of mind because that's not true. What I am saying is there is no need to judge someone just because they have a mental illness!

In my every day life, there are very few people who actually know I have a mental illness. In fact, I'd say less than 10 people know the full extent of my illness. I often get judged anyway because I have tattoos and coloured hair. None of these things give any indication as to the sort of person I am! They are just opinions people form without actually knowing me! 

I am not a religious person per se but there is an extract from the bible that rings true with me:

The Holy Bible: King James Version. 2000.

The Gospel according to
St. Matthew

Judging Others
Lk. 6.37384142
1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.
2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. Mk. 4.24 
3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.
6 ¶ Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.

In simple terms, DON'T JUDGE!

Thanks for reading. 

Keep Smiling :(: 

Friday, 15 June 2012

Old Habits


I'm trying to quit smoking! Who here has tried to give up? This is my third attempt so far and I'm struggling!!

I'm going cold turkey!! Trying to quit on sheer will power!! Not the best idea I know but that's how I'd rather do it.

I'm also trying to stop biting my nails again! Just before Christmas last year I made a list of 10 things that I have to do this year, one of those things was to stop biting my nails. It's something I've done for such a long time, it was almost as natural as breathing to me...! Yet I managed to stop for a good few months! I incentivised myself by buying lots of nice expensive nail polishes and I actually really enjoyed painting my nails. Unfortunately, for some reason I cannot remember I chewed all my nails off and now I'm starting again!! They're just about long enough to paint again now so I'm happy! 

The other thing I'm trying to stop is my cutting. I get to 2/3 weeks then something just tips me over the edge! I went to visit a friend last week in Maidstone and I tore my tights so the following day I had to wear my shorts without tights under them. That was really difficult for me to do but I spent the whole day with shorts on and exposed legs!! 

The scars are slowly fading but I need to stop relapsing!! 

The final thing I need to quit is getting angry! People seem to wind me up very easily and it really gets to me! I guess that is partly down to my temperament. I've always been very hot headed and I have a very short fuse as do all the women in my family but I allow things to get to me! Take my last blog for example. Writing that blog was extremely emotional for me so imagine my horror when I had the following messages posted on it:

you know damn well that your glad that jane "dissapeared". you say she didn't deserve to die but u know that you wish that you could have seen jane's beach washed decomposing carcass. the ENTIRE blog post i just read looks like a whole fuckload of hyperbole just like all the other self pitying bullshit u like to post.

do you realise how self absorbed you are?

its funny that you were amused by the reply that was left. it's also funny that you erased it from here and posted it on a social network site. you are also a coward on top of being an attention whore
i know you posted my reply so those that blindly sympathize w/ you can rip me apart. you attempt to make fun of someone that calls you out for the drama queen that you are but yet you cant show your face. you bitch because your boyfriend cutting himself is a trigger for you but yet you cut yourself and show it off as if its art showing no consideration that you might trigger someone else. that documenting your cutting on facebook excuse is bullshit.
you are a whiney hyperbolic drama queen and nothing else. i repeat you are NOT the only person w/ a bad past and you are NOT the only person w/ problems. you are a stereotypical bipolar person you fit all the stigmas that are attached to the condition. you make the bipolar people who do take care of themselves look bad.
you SELF ABSORBED attention whore

Now, we all like a bit of attention that's true but I am by NO means an attention whore!! I write this blog for myself and to help others. I get messages daily thanking me for my blog. If no one read it, I would still write it!! Also, to suggest that I was glad that a 9 year old child was abducted, raped and murdered is just sickening!! This actually made me cry! Yes, granted I didn't like "Jane" but I would not have wished that upon her or anyone else for that matter!! 

I know that internet trolls are just trying to get a rise out of people but an attack like that is unwarranted and extremely unfair. This person knows nothing about me as a person and has based all of their information on what I have written in my blog. Now if my blog makes me sound self obsessed, I'm not sorry because I just write how I feel! I don't want sympathy or pity. If I did, surely I wouldn't be anonymous?! 

So yes, I need to work on my anger a little! I have to say, I'm much better than I was this time last year! I've not smashed anything up in a while and that was the only way (besides cutting) I could let out my anger so that's a step in the right direction.

So those are the things that I'm trying to quit! Hopefully I can achieve at LEAST one of these!!

I'm still off my meds and still feeling really good. I will, however, get in touch with a new doctor as soon as I move and let them know what's going on!! 

I need to work on my sleeping pattern too!! Too many times recently I'm not going to bed until 5am! It wouldn't be so bad but I'm not even sleeping beyond 10!! 

Thanks for reading! 

Keep Smiling :): 

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

Off the radar...


Hello readers!!

It's been a long time again since my last blog but I've been quite busy with finishing up uni. Sometimes it's very difficult to keep up with myself!!

Again, a lot has happened in my absence which I won't go into!!

I've stopped taking my meds, it wasn't a conscious decision, I didn't have enough with me when I was away for a few days and then I couldn't find them so I just gave up. I've actually been feeling really good.

I had a major manic episode a few weeks ago. I went to a concert with a very close friend and I really enjoyed myself. It was a concert that we'd agreed to go to together some 13 years ago and we finally got to go!! I'd booked the tickets exactly 7 months before the date of the concert and I'd been looking forward to it. Unfortunately, I got my exam timetable and I had an exam the day after the concert. I'd been deliberating about whether to sell them or not but in the end I decided to go!! After all, it was a 13 year old dream and hey, exams can be re-taken, dreams can't!! 

To say we had an amazing time would be a serious understatement!! We absolutely had the time of our lives!! Unfortunately, because things were so great I got very manic!! The last song of the show was a "lighter moment" you know the kind, when everyone lights a lighter and sways together. Anyway, my friend had a lighter and I didn't so I just swayed along!! After the song finished, I grabbed the lighter and stuck it on my arm! I don't know why I did this but it seemed right!! It didn't hurt... then! The intention was to make a Clipper smiley! 

After the concert ended we went for a few beers and a kebab and then headed back to the hostel where my friend was staying. I had to hang out with her until 3am which is when my coach back home was.

On the coach I couldn't sleep. I had too much adrenalin coursing through me!! I got back to London at 6am and I was exhausted!! I couldn't go home as I had an exam at 10am so I headed to uni. I got there at 7:30am and they said I couldn't come in as they didn't open til 8am. I told them if they didn't let me come in then I'd just sleep outside on the street! I think they took pity on me!! I just kind of crashed out on the sofas. I wasn't sleeping but I had my eyes closed and I couldn't move. I then started to hallucinate! 

It wasn't anything major, I think it was just a combination of exhaustion and an overload of adrenaline!! 

So I went into my exam and I think I did OK but I gotta wait for the results...! Either way, it was REALLY totally worth it!! 

So the day after the exam I went to another concert with some friends from uni and again it was really great, it continued my high. It lasted for about 10 days then I came down, it started off quite slowly which I'm thankful for but then I saw an ex and I crashed pretty hard. I really wanted to cut myself, the urge was completely overwhelming but somehow I managed not to do it.

Since then, things have been very up and down! Somehow, I always manage to attract people who want to screw me over! I don't know how I do it but it just seems to happen! Someone has given out a lot of personal information about me and now I am being hassled!! I'm not going to let it get to me though, I'm just going to rise above it!!  

More and more recently I have been thinking about my childhood and the things that I have been through. I am wondering if it is time to come clean any time soon... Perhaps I'd be locked up! It's always so difficult being in a situation whereby no one actually knows the real you and they think you're just messed in the head. If anyone had even half a clue why I'm so fucked up they'd run for the hills!! 

I guess that's all I have to say for now. I will try and update my blog a bit more regular when I move!! 

Keep Smiling  :): 

Sunday, 29 April 2012



Wow I can't actually believe it has been so long since I blogged last!!

My last blog was before I switched my meds and BOY has a lot gone on since!! I'm not going to go into too much detail because first of all, it's all a little scary and second of all, I'm off to temple in half an hour!!

The past month for me has been an uphill battle! I have been a little all over the place with everything and it's most likely due to my medication switchover.

I was on a lower dose of Mirtazapine for 2 weeks if I remember rightly and that really knocked me for six! Despite Mirtazapine having no apparent effect on my wellbeing it was obviously doing something to my head! I had the WORST case of vertigo!! I've suffered mild vertigo in the past but this was shocking! All I had to do was look in a different direction too quickly with my eyes and it would cause my head to swim and for the worst wave of nausea to wash over me!! 

The other side effect I seem to have had is I forget words. Simple everyday words that I use in conversation a lot just disappear from my brain! I think it's a bit too soon to see what effects it has had on my mood.

I think the past few weeks have been a bit too crazy in order for me to see if the meds are actually helping! There was a HUGE family bust up with really caused me a lot of emotional trauma and a fight with a friend that made things seem even worse! To top it all off, I split with my new boyfriend after he did something totally unforgivable and then I got involved with someone else who rejected me on the basis of my illness. That one hit me the hardest! I'd not known him that long but there was a certain connection between us, we had a LOT in common.

I met him at a friend's birthday and we hit it off right away. He then texted me endlessly for 2 weeks. He seemed to like me as much as I liked him and so we decided that we ought to spend some time together to get to know one another, he came from his home town to visit me in my home town and we got along famously, we went and enjoyed the football together, laughed at the same misfortunes someone else was suffering, enjoyed pizza and a chat with a very nice single mother and her daughter. I was feeling rather good about the whole thing. You would have thought though by now that I would have learned that when things SEEM too good to be true, they usually are!! After our lovely afternoon of football, beer, pizza and laughs we headed back to my place. He was really tired when we got back which was understandable given that he'd driven for 14 hours the previous night so it was forgivable. Somehow though I took this a little too personally and it made me feel quite edgy for reasons I cannot explain. When I feel like that it's best for me to remove myself from the situation so whilst he slept I decided to go to the shop. When I got back I was actually feeling much worse and he was awake. He asked if I was feeling ok but I couldn't find the words to communicate with him.

From that point I can't actually remember the events that followed but I know that in the end we decided to watch a film together and both of us fell asleep.

When I woke up the next morning I had a very big anxiety attack. I couldn't think straight and it resulted in me having a very large and unbearable panic attack! I'd gone to the shop and when I arrived back he was awake and was telling me I looked rather flushed. He found this amusing. Of course he wasn't to know about why I was having a panic attack but his laughing made me feel even worse. I decided there and then that I had to get out of London for a few days otherwise I would have a rather large melt down! 

I asked him if I could accompany him in the drive back to his hometown which is incidentally the same place I grew up so I could stay with friends and family and he said yes. The drive home was rather awkward and after he dropped me at my friend's place he ceased communication with me! I stayed at home for 5 days which I think was a big mistake!! I ended up having my heart broken by a guy I have realised I may have loved for more than 10 years! 

Saying that though, I did have a fantastic time with two of my oldest and closest friends! 

So now I'm trying to straighten my head out a little and get back on the right path. I'm coming to the end of my final year at uni which has kind of hit me hard but hopefully things will improve once I move and get myself properly settled! 

I had been toying with the idea of "coming out" to my boss but I have decided not to tell her anything. I took advice from all my wonderful Facebook friends so thanks guys!! 

I have started to attend a Buddhist temple to learn meditation which so far is going good. I am hoping it will help me balance my mind a bit better.

There is a lot more I could write but I'm a little out of sorts with my writing recently! I'm hoping I'll be back regularly blogging again soon!! 

Keep Smiling :(:

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Next step...


Doctor's appointment today. I finally got my meds switched after 2 months of no progress on Citalopram. Here's hoping these will make a difference.  I have to wean myself off the Citalopram first. I'm not looking forward to the next two weeks really...!!

I have also been told to give CBT a try. I'm simply not ready for psychotherapy at the moment no matter how much the doc insists it will help!! I don't get why she can't understand that, it seems simple to me, I have to be in a good place in my life before I can dive into the depths of my dark and disturbed mind and I'm just not there yet.

I've had a look at the side effects of Mirtazapine and if I'm honest it doesn't sound great! After all, I already have the lucid dreams and the nightmares. I have weight issues too so I'm not happy about that. I guess I will just see how things go.

The last few weeks at uni we have been studying atypical development which has been quite difficult, yesterday's lecture was about depression and the medication used to treat depression and I felt so bad listening to them tell the whole class about how I feel. I know it wasn't aimed at me and very few people know about my problems but I still felt like there was a spotlight on me and my whole experience was being played out on the whiteboard.

I have, however, learned a few interesting things about atypical development and how it affects individuals and it's good to see that how I'm feeling is pretty "normal" in people with these range of issues.

I'm now awaiting a response from my pdoc to see if she will write a letter for me for uni otherwise I won't be able to get help which I think is so unfair! The resources available to us is very limited. If I had a physical ailment it would be different! 

I think today my writing is slightly more coherent. When I read over my last blog it just made no sense to me but I'm glad my readers could decipher it!! 

Keep Smiling!! :): 

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

On the edge


I've been meaning to write a blog for a while now but things have been very busy!!

I had a friend stay over at the end of February and we had such a great time together!! She is such a wonderful person and we always have the best times.

Whilst she was here I had another doctor's visit. I had a list as long as my arm of things that I needed to speak with her about.

I'm really beginning to get fed up of the doctors now!  I told her about all of the things I've been suffering from since taking the medication and she simply replies with "there's no way to know if the side effects are from your medication or your current state of mind".

Well FUCK ME! That's so fucking useful! Thanks doc!

I don't know why I even bother!  I'm certainly not feeling any better that's for sure! 

"Just take them a little longer" she says to me. Well Doc... If I take them much longer and continue with these side effects I'm gonna go all PSYCHO on your ass! 

She gave me some sleeping pills to try and help me sleep and guess what...? They don't work!! Wonderful! They taste DISGUSTING and make me retch!! I told her about my fears of taking sleeping pills (accidental overdose) and she told me to just take half, which I did, and nothing! I went to sleep at 11:30pm. I woke at 1:00am, 3:00am, 5:00am and then I just gave up.

The same day I had an appointment at uni to try and get the extra help I need. It went really well. The people in the student support team are actually great. They were very understanding and told me all the possible outcomes. I just have to fill in some paperwork. They also told me I need a letter from my doctor describing the effects of my medication. I thought this was going to be simple. Oh how silly I am, to actually believe that ANY part of this process would be simple! The university gave me a letter to give to the doctors and they have informed me that it will cost £60 for a letter! 


I mean SERIOUSLY! I'm a student damn it! I struggle enough as it is just to make rent and feed myself! Where am I supposed to find a spare £60 for a piece of fucking paper?!

I thought this whole process would be relatively easy. I thought I would just have to sign a few papers, have an assessment and BOOM job done. But no, of course not, nothing is that damn simple! I'm trying so hard to make things right in my life. I don't want to sit by and bitch about how terrible things are without first trying to fix them.

WOW! Rant over! I apologise for that. This has been building up inside me for a while now. I've been feeling like I'm gonna explode and I guess it's best to do it here than on some poor unsuspecting friend! 

I'm cutting still and not feeling anything but I'm still doing it. I'm just hanging on to the hope that one of the cuts will give me some sort of feeling. Pain, anger, release, happiness... anything will do! 

All of that aside, I seem to have found myself stuck in a new drama. I genuinely don't know how these situations find me.

I have some great friends at uni. Male and female. Most of my close friends know that I went through a really truly rotten break up in October that almost killed me. However, one of these 'wonderful' friends does not seem to realise the effect this has had upon me and still has upon me daily.

He's a really nice guy, you know, one you can talk to and just be yourself with. I like to hang out with him. We'd spoken about my break up and how it will be a VERY long time before I could even consider thinking about letting another person close to me. However, it seems he has fallen for me! DAMN IT! He knew the situation and I did not in any way lead him on. We have spent quite a bit of time together just as I have with my other friends but it seems he has read FAR too much into it. He's younger than me which I know should not be a problem but even if I hadn't been through such a horrific break up I don't think he would me by guy of choice. I just know that a relationship with him would be nothing but a disaster. I've been there before with a guy just the same.

I know what I like in a partner. Male or female. I know the qualities I look for and although he has some of them he just doesn't quite fit the bill. I tried to explain that him with his problems and me with mine just wouldn't make a good combination but he doesn't seem to see it like that! Just because we've spent some time together it doesn't make a relationship.

All that aside, I have to say I think I might just give up my meds. They're really affecting my grades at uni. I don't care what the doctor says, whether it's my state of mind or the meds, I've only been like this since taking the meds! 

Also, we've been studying mental health recently on my course and I have to say, there are so many obnoxious and uneducated people around me!! I thought people who wanted to study psychology had at least some basic grasp of how these things work and what they do to people but apparently not! I hate sitting there and listening to people blather on about things they know nothing about! They present their idea as a fact and don't bother to back it up!

We all have opinions about everything in life, of course we do and everyone is entitled to share those opinions. However, you can't share an opinion and make it out to be a fact. Nor can you share an opinion without backing it up or simply by saying "I just know". I mean pur-lease! I know a lot of things about how my illness affects me yet I still only believe it to be my opinion. I know what I am going through and I know how things have changed or not changed since taking medication but I don't know that it's a fact. I know that I believe it to be down to my medication but it may actually just be down to my mindset. Everyone knows that medication has as much a psychological effect on the body as well as a physiological effect.

The mind is a very powerful tool and it has the ability to make or break a person! 

Anyway, I'm not feeling particularly happy about blogging today. I just don't know what I'm doing or saying half of the time and I feel like I'm wading through some thick soup! 

I feel like everything I am trying to say is just rushing out like word-vomit and nothing is coherent so I will end it here.

Keep Smiling :(: