Sunday, 15 January 2012

The drugs don't work...?

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My doctor finally beat me into submission. I have finally accepted drugs! I can't say I'm overly thrilled with the idea but I figure something's gotta give!

I have also been given yet another diagnosis based on the letters I sent. I now have 'mild Bipolar Disorder and sever Borderline Personality Disorder'.

She didn't seem to take much notice of what was written in my letters. In fact, she completely ignored it all!!

I'm finding it all a bit tedious at the moment. I seem to have gone beyond caring what the f*ck is wrong with me! I just don't care any more!!

I'm losing my will for everything at the moment. I don't know what is causing it but the fact that I have now given in to the doctor's insistence that I take medication... well that just goes to show!

I have been on Citalopram now for a little under a week. I am on the lowest dosage at the moment but I don't feel like it is doing anything except giving me tremors!!

I have also been given beta blockers to control the symptoms of my anxiety which is ok I guess but it doesn't actually help the anxiety any!!

The doc didn't explain how these drugs will help me which seems to be the case. I just get beaten down with "no drug is ever 100%"

I have all but abandoned my Facebook page in recent months. I don't know if I will resume with my old vigour or not but for the time being, I simply don't care!

I seem to have stopped feeling at the moment and it's not a side effect from the medication as I felt this before I started taking it.

I guess maybe this is my comedown from such a great Christmas and New Year. I am trying to stay level but something inside me doesn't want me to be...!

There are more things bothering me about what the doctor has said too.

First of all, she continues to tell me that my problems are mild... MILD?! Seriously, every time she says this I want to go all "American Psycho" on her ass! You know the scene with the chain saw...?

She continues to go on about the fact that I have not been hospitalised therefore my issues aren't so bad...! 


Well Doc, come and spend a few minutes inside my head....!! 

She also keeps recommending this thing called the SUN Project. It's some peer support group and it sounds like my WORST nightmare! 

The other thing is therapy. Now, I know for some people, therapy works. For me it doesn't. 

I recently found some of my old 'diary' notes from my therapy sessions... 


Session 1: Thursday 03 May 2007

"First day and the person I was seeing was late! Ok so it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be although I'm not actually sure what I expected. I guess I kind of thought it would be like you see on TV or read about in books. A big fireplace with dusty books and two easy chairs on opposite sides of the room. In fact, it was quite the opposite. The room was small and plain and very square. There were two chairs (hardly easy chairs) that were close enough to talk but not so close that I felt that my personal space was invaded. There was also a small low table with a box of tissues and a shelf with various leaflets.

The lady I saw seemed quite nice, she didn't push me into answering difficult questions and she was ok with me crying, which I did... a lot! 

It kind of felt weird because I'm not used to people being so accepting. I usually feel like I'm being judged.

I didn't really say much to her, there was a lot to say but she seemed to know most of it already. When I left I actually felt quite good. It wasn't ideal that I had to go back to work but I walked back to give myself a chance to clear my head. I slept so well that I woke up late for work!"

Session 2: Thursday 10 May 2007

"I was nervous before today's session and I didn't get much sleep last night. Today's session was very different from the last one. It seemed that we were just skirting around the issue of ******* and spoke mainly about moving on (My therapy began just after getting out of a relationship). I told her that the future is a scary prospect for me. I think in a way, I don't want to move on because I am in a sort of comfort zone. I can't really explain it.  The doc gave me some stuff to read and recommended some books, one of which I have already purchased.

This evening I have started to feel angry but it is not the usual anger that makes me want to lash out and break stuff, it's different I can't explain!

Oh well! I have 2 weeks until my next session and I am going to do some reading and see what I can do to help myself!"

Session 3: Thursday 24 May 2007 

"I have been feeling really bad this week, really sick and all sorts! Tonight will be the first time I have seen M since the split and I am scared. Most of this session was just talking about M and the break up which was slightly infuriating as my issues came about long before him and I fear will continue long after! I left my session today feeling pretty hopeless!"

Session 4: Thursday 07 June 2007

"An earlier time slot for my session this time, better in a sense since I wasn't sat in work thinking about it but not so great as once I got to work all I could do was think about it! 

Most of today's session was again talking about M and the break up. Pointless really as I had all but resolved the whole thing and it was completely unrelated to my problems. M was simply the one who recommended I get help! 

Also spoke about my violent tendencies and my inability to express emotions properly. Next time we will work on coping techniques.

Another wasted session I feel, the doc now seems to be taking the lead and directing the session so we end up talking about things that are irrelevant such as the break up and my parent's divorce...!"

Session 5: Thursday 28 June 

"Bit of a weird session today. Still very emotional and most of my sessions seem to be talking about M!  I guess the good thing is that it has taken my mind off ******* but now M is all I can think about!

More stuff to read but when I told her I didn't think it would help she just said 'take a read, you might be surprised'! Nothing about coping techniques....!"

Session 6: Thursday 05 July

Talking about coping techniques now. It seems like my main issues has been forgotten. 

It varies between degrees of difficulty to cope with. Sometimes I feel like I am getting somewhere, other times I am right back to square 1! Again I spoke about M. It's been nearly 3 months now and it still really hurts. Still, I guess it's distracting me from the real issue about why I am actually seeking help...!

She writes a lot when I am talking but I never get to see what she has written! I really don't feel like any of this is helping me!"


For some reason, I only kept a diary for 6 of the 12 sessions I attended but you can see from what I have written that the focus was taken away from my main issue (starred out for personal reasons) and placed on my relationship breakdown!

It seems like I have also left out a lot of the emotions felt whilst I was attending these sessions. I do recall feeling like a weight had been lifted after the first session and admittedly I slept very well that night but it didn't stay that way! 

I had a discussion with one of my closest friends the other day about voices. There is a voice inside my head. It seems as though it has always been there, I don't remember it not being there. It sounds like my own voice only more authoritative. It tells me what to do, what to think, what to say. It even disagrees with me and I have been known to argue with it! Dear oh dear! The men in white coats shall be along soon!! 

Until next time...

Keep smiling :):  


  1. I hope you are better it's been 3 days so I was just wondering if you were feeling any differently.

  2. Hey Bipolarized. Not feeling any different yet. I have to go back next week to have the dose increased though.


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