Thursday, 16 February 2012

All Change Please...

Blog starts here

So, I've been on the medication for a while now and until this past week I had not noticed any real changes.

Since my last blog, however, there have been numerous changes and I don't like any of them!

First off, I have been having extremely vivid dreams! Now usually when I dream, either it's blurred nothingness or not (apparently) interesting enough to remember. These dreams are TOTALLY different!!  I wake up and I can still smell the smells from the dream, my heart will be racing, my body clammy, I will still be able to hear the distant sounds around me and I feel like I have not slept a wink!

Now, I have always suffered some sort of sleep issues from as far back as I care to remember, however, I have never experienced anything like this!  

Most of the dreams have been gory in their nature and somewhat disturbing! Given this situation, it goes without saying, I haven't been sleeping particularly well!

My next problem is tremors! Again, this is something I seem to remember always having. Sometimes it's hardly noticeable but on Monday I was in the cafeteria at Uni with some friends and I went to pick up my tea and I split it because I was tremoring so much. I shrugged it off with some nervous laughter and called myself clumsy! I had initially thought the more severe tremors were due to exam nerves and that they would go away. That doesn't seem the case! 

Restlessness comes next! I can't sit still for 5 minutes! I am constantly pacing or twitching or twiddling my thumbs... anything to stop 'the inevitable' from happening. Again, I figured this was down to exam stress and anxiety.

Anxiety is my next problem. I have started to feel really edgy around people. Even those I actually like and, as far as I can tell, actually like me back! I have also had the feeling of someone following me. I have heard footsteps behind me or seen a shadow looking too close for comfort but whenever I turn around, there's no one there!

This leads neatly into my next issue. Voices! Often when I hear footsteps behind me, I hear a voice too. It whispers in my ear. It's really creepy!

I've also been suffering with uni. I am finding it hard to pay attention, I am not feeling motivated and I can't sit still for too long. I am also having trouble writing/typing things. I write numbers in the wrong order, I mis-spell words and I write things that don't make sense!

Finally, I have been having an overpowering urge to cut myself. It's so bizarre. Those of you who read my self harm blog will know that my cutting has been an unconscious act for a very long time now and I only realise I've done it afterwards. So far, I have managed to resist cutting. I allow my cat to bite/scratch me, I have been digging my newly grown nails into my palms and I have been 'chicken scratching' my hand (which I did not realise I was doing until a friend asked if I was ok!). I often get what I believe to be stress rashes and so I scratch unconsciously but this actually left a painful blister type thing!

I don't know if this is all down to the medication or if my mind is simply in overdrive. All I know is I don't like it!!

I guess I will have to have a word with the doctor and see what she says!

I recently read  this article on Yahoo! and I have to say I am horrified!

More stigma to be attached with mental illness! Just what we need! Oh yeah, and other people 'jumping on the band wagon' so they can "have" a mental illness!

Surely this can not be allowed? It is going to create a whole heap of problems and it is also narrowing the gap between 'nomal' and 'abnormal'.

It is perfectly natural, and evolutionarily necessary to fear things, even irrationally! Just look at giant turtles. They fear nothing and they are very slow and live for hundreds of years. They became so slow because they have no predators where they are and have no reason to get away fast!

The DSM 5 is due out next year which will no doubt make diagnoses harder, treatment harder and ultimately make life harder!

Today I made an appointment with the Student Wellbeing team at Uni... wish me luck!! 

I apologise if this blog is particularly rambly or doesn't make much sense!

Keep Smiling :): 

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