Friday, 24 February 2012

I need to feel...


Since my last blog, I have been trying to feel. Pleasure, pain, happiness, sadness, emptiness, hungry, full... none of it is working.

I don't like this, it makes me very edgy! 

I don't think I've ever been so devoid of anything.

I can get by faking it for those who matter to me but it's not something I want to do. I want to be able to feel something.

I don't know if it's the meds that I'm taking that are doing this to me or if I am slowly heading for a breakdown again. I jut feel so lost.

It's so horrid when you lose someone who was such an integral part of your life. Especially when you thought you meant something to them too and they just cut you off with no explanation whatsoever.

I'm still rambly and not making much sense. Not just in my blog but in general too! 

I went out with a friend last Friday and I had only had 2 drinks and I was slurring like crazy it was so horrid!! I think he thought I was drunk and he found it amusing. I was so embarrassed!! 

I know what my drink limits are and I know how much alcohol it takes to affect me! Even now, as I am typing, I can hear what I'm typing in my head and the 'voice' is slurring!

Another issue I'm suffering with a lot more than usual is number transposition. I have always suffered with this to some extent but it seems to be increasing! Also, mistyping words!

I imagine some of this can be boiled down to my lack of sleep recently! I've always had sleep issues but it's getting much worse! I'm almost afraid to go to sleep because of the dreams I've been having! 

I think I need a holiday! A complete break away from everything! I know it's silly but I miss my ex so damned much and knowing he doesn't care doodly squat makes it so much worse! Even if I can get away from here for a bit I can't ever get away from him, everything I do has undertones of him to it. Everything I am and everything I will become can be justified by something that he has done for me and it's so DAMNED unfair!

I need to find the old me and bring her back... trouble is, I don't know who she is any more! 

I cut myself again this week. I had managed to hold out for such a long time but this whole lack of feeling has been driving me crazy! I needed to feel something and when I cut... nothing!  No pain, no release, not even the shame of relapsing! 

I have this feeling like I just want to climb out of myself and into someone else... that's weird right?! 

I had been going along with the idea of checking myself into a psych ward just for some respite if nothing else but I have since changed my mind. I think it may be good for me at some point but I just want to get through uni and do better than I did last semester! I have a docs appointment next week so I will talk to her about how much of a mess I am becoming and hopefully she can fix me right up... (even whilst I'm typing this I know no such thing will happen but a girl can dream!)

Well... I know this blog won't be making much sense so I'll end here and since I can't do it...

Keep Smiling :(: 

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