Tuesday, 13 March 2012

On the edge


I've been meaning to write a blog for a while now but things have been very busy!!

I had a friend stay over at the end of February and we had such a great time together!! She is such a wonderful person and we always have the best times.

Whilst she was here I had another doctor's visit. I had a list as long as my arm of things that I needed to speak with her about.

I'm really beginning to get fed up of the doctors now!  I told her about all of the things I've been suffering from since taking the medication and she simply replies with "there's no way to know if the side effects are from your medication or your current state of mind".

Well FUCK ME! That's so fucking useful! Thanks doc!

I don't know why I even bother!  I'm certainly not feeling any better that's for sure! 

"Just take them a little longer" she says to me. Well Doc... If I take them much longer and continue with these side effects I'm gonna go all PSYCHO on your ass! 

She gave me some sleeping pills to try and help me sleep and guess what...? They don't work!! Wonderful! They taste DISGUSTING and make me retch!! I told her about my fears of taking sleeping pills (accidental overdose) and she told me to just take half, which I did, and nothing! I went to sleep at 11:30pm. I woke at 1:00am, 3:00am, 5:00am and then I just gave up.

The same day I had an appointment at uni to try and get the extra help I need. It went really well. The people in the student support team are actually great. They were very understanding and told me all the possible outcomes. I just have to fill in some paperwork. They also told me I need a letter from my doctor describing the effects of my medication. I thought this was going to be simple. Oh how silly I am, to actually believe that ANY part of this process would be simple! The university gave me a letter to give to the doctors and they have informed me that it will cost £60 for a letter! 


I mean SERIOUSLY! I'm a student damn it! I struggle enough as it is just to make rent and feed myself! Where am I supposed to find a spare £60 for a piece of fucking paper?!

I thought this whole process would be relatively easy. I thought I would just have to sign a few papers, have an assessment and BOOM job done. But no, of course not, nothing is that damn simple! I'm trying so hard to make things right in my life. I don't want to sit by and bitch about how terrible things are without first trying to fix them.

WOW! Rant over! I apologise for that. This has been building up inside me for a while now. I've been feeling like I'm gonna explode and I guess it's best to do it here than on some poor unsuspecting friend! 

I'm cutting still and not feeling anything but I'm still doing it. I'm just hanging on to the hope that one of the cuts will give me some sort of feeling. Pain, anger, release, happiness... anything will do! 

All of that aside, I seem to have found myself stuck in a new drama. I genuinely don't know how these situations find me.

I have some great friends at uni. Male and female. Most of my close friends know that I went through a really truly rotten break up in October that almost killed me. However, one of these 'wonderful' friends does not seem to realise the effect this has had upon me and still has upon me daily.

He's a really nice guy, you know, one you can talk to and just be yourself with. I like to hang out with him. We'd spoken about my break up and how it will be a VERY long time before I could even consider thinking about letting another person close to me. However, it seems he has fallen for me! DAMN IT! He knew the situation and I did not in any way lead him on. We have spent quite a bit of time together just as I have with my other friends but it seems he has read FAR too much into it. He's younger than me which I know should not be a problem but even if I hadn't been through such a horrific break up I don't think he would me by guy of choice. I just know that a relationship with him would be nothing but a disaster. I've been there before with a guy just the same.

I know what I like in a partner. Male or female. I know the qualities I look for and although he has some of them he just doesn't quite fit the bill. I tried to explain that him with his problems and me with mine just wouldn't make a good combination but he doesn't seem to see it like that! Just because we've spent some time together it doesn't make a relationship.

All that aside, I have to say I think I might just give up my meds. They're really affecting my grades at uni. I don't care what the doctor says, whether it's my state of mind or the meds, I've only been like this since taking the meds! 

Also, we've been studying mental health recently on my course and I have to say, there are so many obnoxious and uneducated people around me!! I thought people who wanted to study psychology had at least some basic grasp of how these things work and what they do to people but apparently not! I hate sitting there and listening to people blather on about things they know nothing about! They present their idea as a fact and don't bother to back it up!

We all have opinions about everything in life, of course we do and everyone is entitled to share those opinions. However, you can't share an opinion and make it out to be a fact. Nor can you share an opinion without backing it up or simply by saying "I just know". I mean pur-lease! I know a lot of things about how my illness affects me yet I still only believe it to be my opinion. I know what I am going through and I know how things have changed or not changed since taking medication but I don't know that it's a fact. I know that I believe it to be down to my medication but it may actually just be down to my mindset. Everyone knows that medication has as much a psychological effect on the body as well as a physiological effect.

The mind is a very powerful tool and it has the ability to make or break a person! 

Anyway, I'm not feeling particularly happy about blogging today. I just don't know what I'm doing or saying half of the time and I feel like I'm wading through some thick soup! 

I feel like everything I am trying to say is just rushing out like word-vomit and nothing is coherent so I will end it here.

Keep Smiling :(: 

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