Sunday, 24 June 2012

Judge not...


Mental illness is a rather taboo subject right? Just like homosexuality? What about race? Religion? Culture? It's all taboo right?

Well it shouldn't be!!

People are too quick to judge others. I believe it's not because they don't like the mentally ill, homosexuals or people from different races, religions, cultures etc. I think it is due to the fear of the unknown.

Thankfully, people are more accepting of homosexuals these days. The same goes for people from all over the world... except for the mentally ill.

I believe that people are not educated enough on these matters. Sometimes it may not be their fault. If they don't encounter mentally ill people why would they need to learn? Unfortunately, however, some people are just closed minded. These are the people that create challenges for people with mental illnesses in their every day lives. They may or may not understand about mental illnesses, they simply don't care! 

I recently wrote a thematic analysis about the media portrayal of mental illness. One particular theme I noticed throughout the article I was working on was animalistic. The article I was assigned was about Raoul Moat, you may have heard about what he did in 2010. According to this article, Moat had made threats whilst he was in prison. The article described him as having "eyes like a mad bull". Don't get me wrong here, I'm not saying Moat is a victim in any way so please don't think that, the point of my analysis was to see how the media portrayed mental illness.

From the article, it was unclear as to whether Moat actually had a diagnosed illness however, there were numerous references to him being 'mad' and 'crazy'. This may well be true, however, this is not true of mentally ill people. From this article, I felt that the author was branding mentally ill people as 'crazy animals'. That's not fair and it's not true! 

I made a short video for my Youtube page which you can see below:

I'm not saying that all mentally ill people are sound of mind because that's not true. What I am saying is there is no need to judge someone just because they have a mental illness!

In my every day life, there are very few people who actually know I have a mental illness. In fact, I'd say less than 10 people know the full extent of my illness. I often get judged anyway because I have tattoos and coloured hair. None of these things give any indication as to the sort of person I am! They are just opinions people form without actually knowing me! 

I am not a religious person per se but there is an extract from the bible that rings true with me:

The Holy Bible: King James Version. 2000.

The Gospel according to
St. Matthew

Judging Others
Lk. 6.37384142
1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.
2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. Mk. 4.24 
3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.
6 ¶ Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.

In simple terms, DON'T JUDGE!

Thanks for reading. 

Keep Smiling :(: 

Friday, 15 June 2012

Old Habits


I'm trying to quit smoking! Who here has tried to give up? This is my third attempt so far and I'm struggling!!

I'm going cold turkey!! Trying to quit on sheer will power!! Not the best idea I know but that's how I'd rather do it.

I'm also trying to stop biting my nails again! Just before Christmas last year I made a list of 10 things that I have to do this year, one of those things was to stop biting my nails. It's something I've done for such a long time, it was almost as natural as breathing to me...! Yet I managed to stop for a good few months! I incentivised myself by buying lots of nice expensive nail polishes and I actually really enjoyed painting my nails. Unfortunately, for some reason I cannot remember I chewed all my nails off and now I'm starting again!! They're just about long enough to paint again now so I'm happy! 

The other thing I'm trying to stop is my cutting. I get to 2/3 weeks then something just tips me over the edge! I went to visit a friend last week in Maidstone and I tore my tights so the following day I had to wear my shorts without tights under them. That was really difficult for me to do but I spent the whole day with shorts on and exposed legs!! 

The scars are slowly fading but I need to stop relapsing!! 

The final thing I need to quit is getting angry! People seem to wind me up very easily and it really gets to me! I guess that is partly down to my temperament. I've always been very hot headed and I have a very short fuse as do all the women in my family but I allow things to get to me! Take my last blog for example. Writing that blog was extremely emotional for me so imagine my horror when I had the following messages posted on it:

you know damn well that your glad that jane "dissapeared". you say she didn't deserve to die but u know that you wish that you could have seen jane's beach washed decomposing carcass. the ENTIRE blog post i just read looks like a whole fuckload of hyperbole just like all the other self pitying bullshit u like to post.

do you realise how self absorbed you are?

its funny that you were amused by the reply that was left. it's also funny that you erased it from here and posted it on a social network site. you are also a coward on top of being an attention whore
i know you posted my reply so those that blindly sympathize w/ you can rip me apart. you attempt to make fun of someone that calls you out for the drama queen that you are but yet you cant show your face. you bitch because your boyfriend cutting himself is a trigger for you but yet you cut yourself and show it off as if its art showing no consideration that you might trigger someone else. that documenting your cutting on facebook excuse is bullshit.
you are a whiney hyperbolic drama queen and nothing else. i repeat you are NOT the only person w/ a bad past and you are NOT the only person w/ problems. you are a stereotypical bipolar person you fit all the stigmas that are attached to the condition. you make the bipolar people who do take care of themselves look bad.
you SELF ABSORBED attention whore

Now, we all like a bit of attention that's true but I am by NO means an attention whore!! I write this blog for myself and to help others. I get messages daily thanking me for my blog. If no one read it, I would still write it!! Also, to suggest that I was glad that a 9 year old child was abducted, raped and murdered is just sickening!! This actually made me cry! Yes, granted I didn't like "Jane" but I would not have wished that upon her or anyone else for that matter!! 

I know that internet trolls are just trying to get a rise out of people but an attack like that is unwarranted and extremely unfair. This person knows nothing about me as a person and has based all of their information on what I have written in my blog. Now if my blog makes me sound self obsessed, I'm not sorry because I just write how I feel! I don't want sympathy or pity. If I did, surely I wouldn't be anonymous?! 

So yes, I need to work on my anger a little! I have to say, I'm much better than I was this time last year! I've not smashed anything up in a while and that was the only way (besides cutting) I could let out my anger so that's a step in the right direction.

So those are the things that I'm trying to quit! Hopefully I can achieve at LEAST one of these!!

I'm still off my meds and still feeling really good. I will, however, get in touch with a new doctor as soon as I move and let them know what's going on!! 

I need to work on my sleeping pattern too!! Too many times recently I'm not going to bed until 5am! It wouldn't be so bad but I'm not even sleeping beyond 10!! 

Thanks for reading! 

Keep Smiling :): 

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

Off the radar...


Hello readers!!

It's been a long time again since my last blog but I've been quite busy with finishing up uni. Sometimes it's very difficult to keep up with myself!!

Again, a lot has happened in my absence which I won't go into!!

I've stopped taking my meds, it wasn't a conscious decision, I didn't have enough with me when I was away for a few days and then I couldn't find them so I just gave up. I've actually been feeling really good.

I had a major manic episode a few weeks ago. I went to a concert with a very close friend and I really enjoyed myself. It was a concert that we'd agreed to go to together some 13 years ago and we finally got to go!! I'd booked the tickets exactly 7 months before the date of the concert and I'd been looking forward to it. Unfortunately, I got my exam timetable and I had an exam the day after the concert. I'd been deliberating about whether to sell them or not but in the end I decided to go!! After all, it was a 13 year old dream and hey, exams can be re-taken, dreams can't!! 

To say we had an amazing time would be a serious understatement!! We absolutely had the time of our lives!! Unfortunately, because things were so great I got very manic!! The last song of the show was a "lighter moment" you know the kind, when everyone lights a lighter and sways together. Anyway, my friend had a lighter and I didn't so I just swayed along!! After the song finished, I grabbed the lighter and stuck it on my arm! I don't know why I did this but it seemed right!! It didn't hurt... then! The intention was to make a Clipper smiley! 

After the concert ended we went for a few beers and a kebab and then headed back to the hostel where my friend was staying. I had to hang out with her until 3am which is when my coach back home was.

On the coach I couldn't sleep. I had too much adrenalin coursing through me!! I got back to London at 6am and I was exhausted!! I couldn't go home as I had an exam at 10am so I headed to uni. I got there at 7:30am and they said I couldn't come in as they didn't open til 8am. I told them if they didn't let me come in then I'd just sleep outside on the street! I think they took pity on me!! I just kind of crashed out on the sofas. I wasn't sleeping but I had my eyes closed and I couldn't move. I then started to hallucinate! 

It wasn't anything major, I think it was just a combination of exhaustion and an overload of adrenaline!! 

So I went into my exam and I think I did OK but I gotta wait for the results...! Either way, it was REALLY totally worth it!! 

So the day after the exam I went to another concert with some friends from uni and again it was really great, it continued my high. It lasted for about 10 days then I came down, it started off quite slowly which I'm thankful for but then I saw an ex and I crashed pretty hard. I really wanted to cut myself, the urge was completely overwhelming but somehow I managed not to do it.

Since then, things have been very up and down! Somehow, I always manage to attract people who want to screw me over! I don't know how I do it but it just seems to happen! Someone has given out a lot of personal information about me and now I am being hassled!! I'm not going to let it get to me though, I'm just going to rise above it!!  

More and more recently I have been thinking about my childhood and the things that I have been through. I am wondering if it is time to come clean any time soon... Perhaps I'd be locked up! It's always so difficult being in a situation whereby no one actually knows the real you and they think you're just messed in the head. If anyone had even half a clue why I'm so fucked up they'd run for the hills!! 

I guess that's all I have to say for now. I will try and update my blog a bit more regular when I move!! 

Keep Smiling  :):