It's been a long time again since my last blog but I've been quite busy with finishing up uni. Sometimes it's very difficult to keep up with myself!!
Again, a lot has happened in my absence which I won't go into!!
I've stopped taking my meds, it wasn't a conscious decision, I didn't have enough with me when I was away for a few days and then I couldn't find them so I just gave up. I've actually been feeling really good.
I had a major manic episode a few weeks ago. I went to a concert with a very close friend and I really enjoyed myself. It was a concert that we'd agreed to go to together some 13 years ago and we finally got to go!! I'd booked the tickets exactly 7 months before the date of the concert and I'd been looking forward to it. Unfortunately, I got my exam timetable and I had an exam the day after the concert. I'd been deliberating about whether to sell them or not but in the end I decided to go!! After all, it was a 13 year old dream and hey, exams can be re-taken, dreams can't!!
To say we had an amazing time would be a serious understatement!! We absolutely had the time of our lives!! Unfortunately, because things were so great I got very manic!! The last song of the show was a "lighter moment" you know the kind, when everyone lights a lighter and sways together. Anyway, my friend had a lighter and I didn't so I just swayed along!! After the song finished, I grabbed the lighter and stuck it on my arm! I don't know why I did this but it seemed right!! It didn't hurt... then! The intention was to make a Clipper smiley!
After the concert ended we went for a few beers and a kebab and then headed back to the hostel where my friend was staying. I had to hang out with her until 3am which is when my coach back home was.
On the coach I couldn't sleep. I had too much adrenalin coursing through me!! I got back to London at 6am and I was exhausted!! I couldn't go home as I had an exam at 10am so I headed to uni. I got there at 7:30am and they said I couldn't come in as they didn't open til 8am. I told them if they didn't let me come in then I'd just sleep outside on the street! I think they took pity on me!! I just kind of crashed out on the sofas. I wasn't sleeping but I had my eyes closed and I couldn't move. I then started to hallucinate!
It wasn't anything major, I think it was just a combination of exhaustion and an overload of adrenaline!!
So I went into my exam and I think I did OK but I gotta wait for the results...! Either way, it was REALLY totally worth it!!
So the day after the exam I went to another concert with some friends from uni and again it was really great, it continued my high. It lasted for about 10 days then I came down, it started off quite slowly which I'm thankful for but then I saw an ex and I crashed pretty hard. I really wanted to cut myself, the urge was completely overwhelming but somehow I managed not to do it.
Since then, things have been very up and down! Somehow, I always manage to attract people who want to screw me over! I don't know how I do it but it just seems to happen! Someone has given out a lot of personal information about me and now I am being hassled!! I'm not going to let it get to me though, I'm just going to rise above it!!
More and more recently I have been thinking about my childhood and the things that I have been through. I am wondering if it is time to come clean any time soon... Perhaps I'd be locked up! It's always so difficult being in a situation whereby no one actually knows the real you and they think you're just messed in the head. If anyone had even half a clue why I'm so fucked up they'd run for the hills!!
I guess that's all I have to say for now. I will try and update my blog a bit more regular when I move!!
Keep Smiling :):