Friday, 15 June 2012

Old Habits


I'm trying to quit smoking! Who here has tried to give up? This is my third attempt so far and I'm struggling!!

I'm going cold turkey!! Trying to quit on sheer will power!! Not the best idea I know but that's how I'd rather do it.

I'm also trying to stop biting my nails again! Just before Christmas last year I made a list of 10 things that I have to do this year, one of those things was to stop biting my nails. It's something I've done for such a long time, it was almost as natural as breathing to me...! Yet I managed to stop for a good few months! I incentivised myself by buying lots of nice expensive nail polishes and I actually really enjoyed painting my nails. Unfortunately, for some reason I cannot remember I chewed all my nails off and now I'm starting again!! They're just about long enough to paint again now so I'm happy! 

The other thing I'm trying to stop is my cutting. I get to 2/3 weeks then something just tips me over the edge! I went to visit a friend last week in Maidstone and I tore my tights so the following day I had to wear my shorts without tights under them. That was really difficult for me to do but I spent the whole day with shorts on and exposed legs!! 

The scars are slowly fading but I need to stop relapsing!! 

The final thing I need to quit is getting angry! People seem to wind me up very easily and it really gets to me! I guess that is partly down to my temperament. I've always been very hot headed and I have a very short fuse as do all the women in my family but I allow things to get to me! Take my last blog for example. Writing that blog was extremely emotional for me so imagine my horror when I had the following messages posted on it:

you know damn well that your glad that jane "dissapeared". you say she didn't deserve to die but u know that you wish that you could have seen jane's beach washed decomposing carcass. the ENTIRE blog post i just read looks like a whole fuckload of hyperbole just like all the other self pitying bullshit u like to post.

do you realise how self absorbed you are?

its funny that you were amused by the reply that was left. it's also funny that you erased it from here and posted it on a social network site. you are also a coward on top of being an attention whore
i know you posted my reply so those that blindly sympathize w/ you can rip me apart. you attempt to make fun of someone that calls you out for the drama queen that you are but yet you cant show your face. you bitch because your boyfriend cutting himself is a trigger for you but yet you cut yourself and show it off as if its art showing no consideration that you might trigger someone else. that documenting your cutting on facebook excuse is bullshit.
you are a whiney hyperbolic drama queen and nothing else. i repeat you are NOT the only person w/ a bad past and you are NOT the only person w/ problems. you are a stereotypical bipolar person you fit all the stigmas that are attached to the condition. you make the bipolar people who do take care of themselves look bad.
you SELF ABSORBED attention whore

Now, we all like a bit of attention that's true but I am by NO means an attention whore!! I write this blog for myself and to help others. I get messages daily thanking me for my blog. If no one read it, I would still write it!! Also, to suggest that I was glad that a 9 year old child was abducted, raped and murdered is just sickening!! This actually made me cry! Yes, granted I didn't like "Jane" but I would not have wished that upon her or anyone else for that matter!! 

I know that internet trolls are just trying to get a rise out of people but an attack like that is unwarranted and extremely unfair. This person knows nothing about me as a person and has based all of their information on what I have written in my blog. Now if my blog makes me sound self obsessed, I'm not sorry because I just write how I feel! I don't want sympathy or pity. If I did, surely I wouldn't be anonymous?! 

So yes, I need to work on my anger a little! I have to say, I'm much better than I was this time last year! I've not smashed anything up in a while and that was the only way (besides cutting) I could let out my anger so that's a step in the right direction.

So those are the things that I'm trying to quit! Hopefully I can achieve at LEAST one of these!!

I'm still off my meds and still feeling really good. I will, however, get in touch with a new doctor as soon as I move and let them know what's going on!! 

I need to work on my sleeping pattern too!! Too many times recently I'm not going to bed until 5am! It wouldn't be so bad but I'm not even sleeping beyond 10!! 

Thanks for reading! 

Keep Smiling :): 

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