Saturday, 1 September 2012

Better late than never!


I have been promising a blog for quite some time but I haven't been able to write. Partially because I haven't felt like it and partially because I just haven't been able to find the words.

There was a blue moon last night. I felt that it was quite fitting to my mood. Not to mention it was very fitting for the funeral of Neil Armstrong.

I have always believed that the phases of the mood can affect one's moods. I know there has been a lot of research into this and I believe it is still inconclusive but I always find that during a full moon my emotions are heightened whether they be good or bad.

So what has been going on with me recently? On 13 August, I had the first of 2 psychiatric analyses. It was not very pleasant. I had been waiting for this appointment since January and when I put my name down I was living in a specific borough. By the time the appointment came through I had moved to a different borough and I was worried that they would refuse to see me. Thankfully though, the psychiatrist told me that since I'd made the appointment in my old borough they would continue to see me there.

I was so incredibly anxious about going that I was sweating inordinate amounts. I had severe tremors and my breathing was shallow and heavy. When I arrived, the psychiatrist took me into a small office and asked me to sit down. For the first few minutes we were just looking at each other and nothing was said. It was very awkward and uncomfortable.

After a time she said to me "Talk about anything you want...". Naturally I told her why I was there to see her. Raking up old bones same as usual, me getting emotional, her not saying anything. There were more awkward silences which was excruciating for me. After some time, she said to me "I see you have told me all of the bad things". I was slightly stunned by this. I figured that the reason I was seeking help was to deal with the bad things in my life that were causing me mental anguish. I felt like I was somehow in the wrong. Like I wasn't supposed to tell her about my problems.

Once I was sufficiently emotionally battered, our session came to an end. Her recommendation was that I went through Metalization Based Therapy which is a form of therapy recommended for people suffering Borderline Personality Disorder. Despite the fact that I told her that 'group therapy' caused me incredible unease she still recommended it stating that the only way to overcome a fear was to face it head on!

After leaving her office I headed to the toilet to immediately throw up! I hadn't even eaten anything but I felt so sick I had to purge my body of whatever it was inside me!

When I left the hospital I went to the park and just sat for a few hours in the rain. It was empty and so I felt secure just hiding out.

When I got home I felt troubled. I felt dizzy and confused. Like perhaps I had said the wrong things to the psychiatrist. No matter, there was nothing I could do to change it now. It took me a few days to 'get over' how I was feeling.

My followup appointment was a week later. I felt the same anxieties before attending. This time she asked me a lot of questioned about the things that I had said the previous week. She told me that after analysing the things that I said she no longer thought MBT was right for me and that she recommended long term psychotherapy on a one to one basis. This made me feel much more relieved as I still couldn't shake the unease I was feeling about the group stuff.

I told her that since my previous appointment I cut myself as I was feeling so distressed. She was concerned that by me undergoing psychotherapy my cutting may become worse. Unfortunately, that's a risk we will have to take.

Two days after my second appointment I received a letter from the psychiatrist saying that I'd been shortlisted for MBT. I was surprised at the speed that I'd received the letter but upset that I had been put forward for MBT given how I feel about group therapy. I have decided, however, that I will go through with the MBT and see how things go.

So that's pretty much what is happening at the moment, there are other little niggles that are bothering me but I have written enough for today and I am currently feeling emotionally shattered.

Thanks for reading and Keep Smiling :(:

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