Thursday, 8 November 2012

Triggers

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I have been asked a few times now what a 'trigger' is.

Triggers can mean different things for different people. It could be a film, a word, a picture... Sometimes, we don't even know what has triggered us. Either way, it often works in the same manner. You see/hear/experience something that shifts your mood. Oftentimes, with myself, triggers shift me from good to bad but they can go the other way too. From good to manic.




It is often difficult for me to be aware of what has triggered me. More often than not I don't actually know what has triggered me unless I specifically think about it (which I want to avoid doing if I want to change my state of mind!)

Yesterday I watched a film that triggered me slightly. You may have heard of it, it's called Boys Don't Cry and stars Hillary Swank.  It's about a young girl, Teena Brandon, who suffers a gender identity crisis and tries to live her life as a boy. Unfortunately, this is actually based on a true story. 


The main topic of the film isn't what left me feeling triggered. It was several side themes - bullying, self harm, having to live your life as someone else.

Another film that triggers me is Pink Floyd's The Wall. I have actually seen this film several times and I really enjoy watching it since I am a Pink Floyd fan. I don't think though that I have yet managed to watch it and NOT be affected.



I imagine you want to know why I would watch things that I know could trigger me? Well, the answer is simple! I don't want to lead a sheltered life, I don't want to be wrapped in cotton wool, hidden from the darkness that is prevalent in everyday society. Besides, if it's not a film that triggers me it could quite easily be something that I would encounter in everyday life. Seeing a knife in my kitchen, a razor blade in my bathroom, a song that I've heard a thousand times, someone mentioning the words "cut", "scar", "alone"... I could go on but the list would be endless. So, you see, I cannot really avoid triggers. 

I'm not saying I actively seek to be triggered though. That is not my intention at all. By watching The Wall several times I am not trying to trigger myself. I am simply enjoying music by an artist I love in a visual format. Also, I want to be able to understand the journey that 'Pink' is on as it's not dissimilar to my own journey and, indeed, the journey that anyone suffering mental anguish is on.




Using my Facebook page to communicate with other sufferers often also triggers me. I try to accept as many people as I can on my page but I do seem to pick up people who trigger me a lot. I self harm and yes, I load my pictures onto my Facebook page. I don't do this for attention, despite what many people say. I do this so that I can actively keep an eye on myself, also there are people on my page who like to keep an eye on me too. The album itself has a trigger warning on it and I always delete the pictures from my news feed so that it doesn't show up on other people's pages. Some simply aren't so considerate. 

Some people say they understand how I feel. They say that they know what I'm going through. 



I'm not saying that NO ONE understands or that I am the ONLY person suffering such things but there are many people who come across my Facebook page and try and put themselves in my shoes. I also encounter people in my day-to-day life who say the same. They may have felt a little bit of depression, they may have had a little upset and felt like perhaps they wanted to end their lives in a fit of rage or whatever emotions "normal" people feel. This is most certainly something that triggers me more than many things. I don't ever ask for sympathy for what I am going though, it's my experience, it belongs to me. I share my experiences to help others but I would never say to another sufferer "I know how you feel" because even if we're going through the same things, I DON'T know how they're feeling. People deal with issues in different ways. No two people suffer the same traumas in the same manner.




Today, I am 30 days cut free! 

WOOP!! 



Two weeks ago, I had a fight with my new boyfriend, it was a silly thing which I was mostly to blame for. We'd had a nice evening out with some of my friends but we went to a place where there were demons for me which I mistakenly thought I was ready to face. Unfortunately, this triggered me quite badly. I hadn't managed to explain this to Mr Aussie as I tend to bury my head in the sand and pretend things aren't happening.



The thing is, you may try to run from your problems but they will ALWAYS follow you and mine did! We'd finished out night out, me being my typical moody self and went back to where Mr Aussie lives. We had a bit of fun and a few laughs on the journey back to his but when we got into the cab things changed. I'm quite a domineering person in a relationship. Don't think BDSM and bondage... I just like to be in control. That way I don't get hurt as bad (or so is my intention!). Mr Aussie is of a similar personality and did or said something that pissed me off, I can't quite remember what it was and frankly, I don't think it was even that bad. However, I had 2 options, fight or flight! I didn't want to fight him so I ran!




I don't know the area where Mr Aussie lives very well so he was, of course, concerned but when I run I need to be alone. Again, I hadn't really explained about this to him so his reaction was normal. 

I just walked and ended up by a small brook. I find water very peaceful for some reason so I just sat there watching it rushing over the stones, watching the fish swimming and wishing I was one of them. At some point, I remembered I had a razor blade in my purse. I'm not sure why I carried it with me as I would never cut myself when I'm out and about. Mr Aussie was calling/texting me but I kept ignoring him. I took the blade out of my purse and started mindlessly playing with it. Next thing I heard Mr Aussie calling out my name. I still didn't want to see him so I ignored him then he appeared on the other side of the brook. He couldn't figure out a way around so he simply walked through the water to reach me! 



I was still angry so I didn't care that he'd done that. I didn't care how worried he was about me, I just wanted to be on my own! He tried to talk to me but I ignored him. He then must have noticed I had a blade in my hand so obviously he was concerned, he didn't say anything to me but I could hear him muttering and fretting behind me. That just made me angrier at him so I just continued to sit, watching the water, playing with the blade and wishing I was one of those fish just carefree in the water.

Eventually, I managed to arouse myself, I realised what I was doing to Mr Aussie and simply threw the blade into the water and watched it sink. In that split second as I watched it go, I wanted more than anything to jump in after it but I let it go. It doesn't sound like much but that for me was a very big achievement! I then got up and silently followed him back to his.




When we got back to his, I noticed his hand was somewhat bruised and swollen. In his panic looking for me he'd punched something! We'd already had a discussion about this. This was self harm. The same as me cutting myself. We spoke about things and I explained to him why I ran and how it is something that I do often and if he wants to be with me it's simply something that he has to get used to. This may sound selfish but I'd rather run away than get into a physical fight with him.

The thing is, I love Mr Aussie so I know I need to change to make our relationship work. We both need to make changes and hopefully we'll get through these times together. Being 30 days cut free is a HUGE achievement for me and is the longest I've been since I started cutting again whenever it was!! 

So these are the things that I go through when I'm feeling triggered. I'd like to hear about other people's triggers and how other people deal with them.

Until next time,

Keep Smiling :): 

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad your cut free, its hard to refocus when you have a trigger moment. At least you can recognize you have them and now start to shift your actions. I'm trying my best to do the same. I find that triggers change or become more intense over time. Its hard to keep track of thats for sure. And being in a relationship is hard when your struggling with everything. All my best, keep on fighting the cutting urges.

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