Monday, 25 November 2013

If you believe there's nothing up his sleeve, then nothing is cool.


Allow me to introduce you to someone. This is Andy Kaufman:

Andy Kaufman January 17, 1949 – May 16, 1984 (???)

You may never have heard of Andy Kaufman but doubtless if you spend any amount of time on the internet you will have heard his name mentioned. Why is this I hear you ask...? Well, there is a tale going round at the moment that Andy Kaufman is, in fact, ALIVE!

"Why do I even care" I hear you ask. Well, Kaufman was the type of comedian that was as loved as he was hated. He didn't actually even consider himself to be a comedian, more a "song and dance man" doing impersonations of Elvis Presley and singing his famous Mighty Mouse song!

Many people didn't know quite how to take Kaufman. He often staged elaborate pranks that were so convoluted that even most of the participants didn't know they were involved! It is alleged that comedian Sacha Baron Cohen takes his comedy style directly from Kaufman.

Kaufman also had several stage "personas" namely Latka Gravas, best known from Taxi and Tony Clifton the lounge singer.

Once again I hear your confusion "If he was so famous, why would he fake his own death?" Kaufman is alleged to have told his sidekick and co-writer Bob Zmuda that he wished to fake his own death. Being the kind of prankster that he was, it wouldn't be too difficult to believe that is what happened.

Bob Zmuda

He told Bob that he would fake his death and return 20 years later which would have been in 2004.

Kaufman is recorded as being deceased having died from a rare type of lung cancer. During his performances in the lead up to his death audiences were shocked at his gaunt appearance. He acknowledged he had an "unspecified illness" which he hoped to cure through Transcendental Medicine. Kaufman meditated and performed yoga believing these would help him live.

According to the coroner's report, on 16 May 1984 Andy Kaufman died of kidney failure caused by metastasized large-cell lung carcinoma. He was just 35 years of age.

Kaufman's death certificate

So that's it then? Surely he's dead right? Possibly! Even probably. It is an interesting story nonetheless! 

"Tony Clifton" continued to perform for a year after Andy's death. Bob Zmuda is known to have stepped into "Tony's" shoes once in a while, even managing to fool David Letterman! Many have speculated that this was, in fact, still Kaufman. 

The 1999 film Man on The Moon gave a good insight into Kaufman's life and the lead up to his death. Kaufman was played by none other than Jim Carey! Also in 1999, Zmuda wrote a book about Kaufman called Andy Kaufman Revealed! The book claims to reveal many of the hoaxes put together by the pair in the 80s. The book has been praised and slated by many. 

Man On The Moon Poster

"So, why all the fuss now then?" Well dear reader, at the Andy Kaufman Award ceremony this past week presented by Kaufman's brother Michael, a young girl came forward claiming to be Andy's daughter. Take a look at the video below and judge for yourself. Conveniently she looks nervous. This could be attributed to either her being in on the hoax and uncomfortable with it or because she actually IS Andy's daughter...! Quite the plot!  Do you think she is telling the truth?

The rumour has apparently since been debunked by many as another elaborate hoax from Kaufman from beyond the grave. The woman in the video is allegedly American actress Alexandra Tatarsky. The general public are unsure if Kaufman left specific instructions from beyond the grave instructing Michael to carry out this hoax, if Alexandra is REALLY his daughter or if Andy is actually still alive and is simply poking fun at us all. Either way I'd say it was pretty genius and wouldn't put either scenario past the man!! 

Michael Kaufman has since claimed that he was also duped. He appeared on CNN's The Lead With Jake Tapper where he revealed "Now that it's Thursday, not Monday anymore, I believe I am part of the hoax." Speaking of Andy's alleged daughter "I don't believe she's acting on her own though. But, you know, that's all I know." Michael then went on to say "The legacy he's leaving behind is beautiful, regardless of what is the truth with all this."

Michael Kaufman

Of course, faking your own death is never acceptable, under any circumstances. Think of the emotional turmoil this would cause if his death really IS a ruse. It is alleged that Andy has waited until now to "return from the dead" as his father passed away in July. Others say that Michael waited until now to conduct this prank for the same reason. People are often given new identities in order to live life without threat of harm but I'm pretty sure these identities are not just handed out willy nilly to celebs who have simply had enough! 

Lynne Margulies (2004)

Kaufman's girlfriend at the time of his death has also come forward with her own story.  Lynne Margulies  told TMZ magazine, "I was in the hospital room. I was there. They would have had to switch bodies." She was with him when he passed along with his manager, George Shapiro. Both believe this to be an elaborate ruse created by Michael.

Now, for those of you in the know, Kaufman did actually sire a daughter. Her name is Maria Bellu-Colonna. Maria was born in 1969 out of wedlock to a high school girlfriend and later put up for adoption. Bellu-Colonna only found out in 1992 that she was, in fact, the daughter of Kaufman.

Maria Bellu-Colonna

Kaufman will not be the only "celebrity" accused of faking his own death. Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe, Tupac Shakur are to name but a few. Then, of course, there are those who are declared dead whilst sitting at home or down the pub none the wiser. Below are a few responses from the "deceased".

Jon Bon Jovi

Bill Cosby

Russell Crowe

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson


Hugh "Playboy" Hefner

So, that's the news on Andy Kaufman. Dead or alive, he is still creating a storm!! However things pan out, Andy giving his brother Michael these instructions before his death, Michael paying homage to his late brother or Andy still being alive, none of it would actually be surprising which is the genius behind the whole thing!! 

I'm pretty sure he's goofing on Elvis (hey baby) wherever he is!! 

See you in Heaven if you make the list! 

Keep Smiling :):

I know I can never be happy but I can be gay!


There is a subject that seems tender to most. A lot of people don't really know what to make of it so they shun the idea. Others make weak excuses affixed to their religion. That subject is gay marriage.

Now, I am Christian, in that I was christened at 6 weeks old. I used to attend church in my mid to late teens on a weekly basis for more than a year and found myself in at least one religious retreat. Furthermore, I have been bestowed with the honourable duty of being a Godparent. That being said, I'm not religious. I fell out of love with God a long time ago. I had tried to accept that things were sent to test us and that was fine, until I realised that it felt more like I was being mocked rather than tested. Now, perhaps the true sign of a Christian is his perseverance in the face of adversity? I don't know but it just didn't suit me. I'm more of a spiritual person. I believe in the things that surround me, the earth, the trees, the sea etc. I also appreciate that material things don't bring happiness. I am always searching for inner peace, like a Buddhist perhaps.

Either way, I don't actually subscribe to any religion these days. I go about my life doing things that make me happy without causing harm to others.

When it comes to defining my sexuality, I struggle. I am certainly not straight as I am equally as attracted to men and women. So, by the very definition I would be bisexual right? Apparently not. For me, gender is not a defining feature in a relationship. Man, woman, transgender, it does not matter to me as long as that person can make me happy and I them.

I have found myself immersed in 3 Pride parades in the 8 1/2 years I've lived in London. I don't go to defend rights, I go to meet an array of beautiful people.

Pride 2013 was about marriage equality. Now, I don't know specifically what the bible states in regard to homosexuality but let's face it, it's been skewed over the centuries anyhow. By saying this, I am not trying to demean Christianity at all. I am stating fact as far as I know.

The whole gay marriage thing has gone too far if you ask me. There are people crying out that it would make a mockery of their marriage. Now, I am neither agreeing or disagreeing with that fact as I don't have enough information, nor can I be bothered searching for it! When I look at marriage, I see two people binding themselves together for their lifetime and some wish to do it in the house of a God they so greatly love.

Now, on that note, how about those who get married who are not religious in the least? Surely, that makes more of a mockery? Making a promise in the house of a God you don't believe in. Swearing vows in the eyes of a god you don't believe in. Surely that is worse?!

Granted, not all people must have a religious marriage ceremony, in fact many opt not to. However, it still occurs and if you ask me, that is way more offensive!

If I was on a diet and asked you to stop eating donuts, would you? Of course you wouldn't! Your abstinence from donuts will not affect my weight so how will 2 gay Christians getting wed affect your marriage? It wouldn't! Some people argue that marriage is for procreation. Perhaps so but what about those married couples who have never had children? What about those who are not necessarily devout Christians but have children and are not wed? Also, what about those gay couples who adopt children, thus giving them another chance in life?!

Some like to claim that 2 gay men or women raising a child is child abuse. They won't grow up 'normal'. They will have a skewed vision of marriage, love and the world around them... How does that figure?! First of all, have you actually READ the definition of child abuse? Second, what is normal anyway? Finally, how is it that a child will grow up gay if their parents are? I'm not straight yet both of my parents and all 8 of my siblings are! I made my decisions based on my own thoughts and feelings. For a long time in secondary school I believed I was gay. Boys did nothing for me. I saw them as friends. However, my opinion was swayed when I met a boy on a summer holiday who was sweet and loving toward me. We were young. Too young for sex but we held hands. We hugged for extended periods of time. We like to be in the company of each other. He was my first boyfriend I suppose. Then when I returned home I started noticing boys a little more but still no more than girls. They were both equally attractive to me. I would be inclined to say that I have had more relationships with boys but that is not strictly by choice. That is simply the situation I have found myself in and I was happy.

As I came more into my own, I realised that I was simply attracted to beautiful people. People who made me laugh, people who could recite Shakespeare, people with whom I could hold a lengthy football debate! Those are the kind of people I am attracted to and I don't believe there is a particular gender assigned to those kinds of people!

Another point here is celebrity marriage. Those who marry for the publicity, those who marry just to get themselves on the front page of the local rag! Now I'm not going to give specific names here but I am certain that you, dear reader, have images of these people in your head already! These people make the biggest mockery of the sanctity of marriage! The problem here is, how do we stop this? Truth be told, we can't! You can't know that these "celebs" are just doing it to remain "famous" they might well be in love but we know in our hearts that a lot of them aren't.

Perhaps some sort of time-scale ought to be introduced whereby you're only allowed to get married when you have been together and lived together for a certain length of time? I don't have the solution I'm simply spitballing.

All I am trying to get across here is gay marriage is fine! So is straight marriage. Black/white marriage. White/Asian marriage. Asian/black marriage. It is simply two people in love. It is person/person marriage!

I could go on but honestly, I can feel my blood pressure rising!

Keep Smiling :(:

Twin idiots?


I'm sure by now you will have heard about the two girls who dressed as the Twin Towers for a Halloween party at Rosie's in Chester? There are news stories a-plenty!

I'm sure everyone has their opinions. In fact, here are some of the tweets I came across recently:

Now, of course, people are fully entitled to their opinions but the likes of Danielle D (who gives herself the classy Twitter handle of @_DoubleDee - need I say more) are just plain disgusting! I mean seriously? Who is she to call these two girls "ugly cunts" based on costumes they wore? That's just outright bullying! To make matters worse, the Daily Mail went and posted a pic of one of the girls houses! Are they fucking retarded?!

Ok, these girls may have shocked the hell out of your granny but wait, they're NOT the first to do this!!

I hear you all gasp in unison...! Take a look at these!!

But wait... here's the best (worst?) one!!! 


Now, I'll bet none of these have been lambasted for their apparently poor choices of costume!

Perhaps these girls may have been a little misguided in their choice of couture given that one of them has a father who is a pilot in New York but are they really wrong to describe what happened on September 11 2001 as a horror? No, I think not and I do believe the theme of the evening was, indeed, HORROR! 

People are far to quick to jump up and down and make complaints about these things. Just take a look at my blog about the mental health costumes here. These people aren't really offended, they simply have nothing better to do!

There were another group who hit the headlines this Halloween. There was a rugby team who had a ... wait for it... BAD TASTE party and their costumes were, wait for it... in BAD TASTE!!

Here we saw a 'Baby P' costume, KKK members and ill-fated footballer, Gary Speed. 

First of all, it was a BAD TASTE PARTY, The clue is in the name for goodness sake! Second of all, why are their faces blurred out of the picture? How is that fair?!

I would dare say that the problem with society is we feel we have the right to protect others from themselves and further, to judge on their behalf what is "unacceptable" to one. 

And hey, whilst we're on the subject of bad taste, how are these costumes any more acceptable...

Patrick Bateman - Serial Killer



Freddy Kreuger - Suspected Paedophile

The list is endless but I can't be bothered to continue to trawl the internet...! Surely you get the idea though?!

What these two girls did, I believe, was brilliant, they were incredibly creative and they highlighted the HORROR that was 9/11. Besides, isn't Halloween all about the walking dead?!

If anyone ought to be put in the stocks here, it would be either the bouncers who let the girls in in the first place or the DJ who awarded the prize. Personally, I think the girls deserved the £150 and people should just SHUT UP! 

Had this happened in New York, yes, they MAY have been just a little out of line but it didn't!

These poor girls have been torn apart in national news and will probably forever be "those girls who dressed as the twin towers". That is a cruel fate. 

You have heard of gallows humour right? Dark humour that makes light of terrible situations? This would fall into that category despite the girls explicitly stating that their costumes were NOT intended as a joke. 

If I was to be bluntly honest, I'd just say GET OVER IT ALREADY, 9/11 was a long time ago and nothing us mere citizens say can change what happened or bring back the dead. But hey, I'm not here to rile people up!

Keep Smiling :):

Mama we're all crazy now!


As a sufferer of mental health issues, I have been called all sorts of names  here are a few: crazy, nutter, psycho, loon, nut case, lunatic, bad, evil, monster (yes, really!), bonkers, reject, defective...! Those are the ones I can recall off the top of my head!

Now, as a child, I also got called these names and more besides, not pertaining to my mental state! Initially, yes these names bothered me. They hurt my feelings. They made me cry. These days, they are like water off a duck's back! The delivery of such names sting occasionally but that would be more down to my state of mind as opposed to the word itself.

There are a lot of negative connotations toward people with mental health issues. These negative ideas are perpetuated by the media. Be it on TV, in a film, in a book, in a newspaper.... The media are hugely responsible for the way the general population view those with mental health issues, no matter how small.

As someone who has a mental illness, I found the furore surrounding the Halloween costumes sold by Tesco and Asda laughable! Halloween is a time to dress up and beg for sweets from your neighbours. There is no dignity in that so heck, why not go all out and go as a crazy person? You might as well really!

Tesco and Asda are not the first to sell these costumes and you can bet all your Halloween goodies they won't be the last either!

Yes, I am fully aware that mental health is a very sensitive issue but take a chill pill people, there are much worse things in this world to be up in arms about!

I remember when I was but knee high to a grasshopper my dad told me "Never go to London, they shut down all the mental hospitals and now the nut jobs hang out at the train stations and push people under trains. Well, father, I have been a resident of London for 8 1/2 years and I have not once encountered a "nut job" at the train station (drunks, drug addicts, beggars... Maybe). Nor have I been pushed under a train!

This whole non-issue is reminiscent of racist "slurs" or the recent lad's mag farce! It is the absolute minority who are offended by these things and here, I'll let you in on a secret; people of a different race are mostly NOT offended by some [probably] flippant remark on the colour of their skin! Joe Public is NOT offended by the sight of some perky tits in a newsagents and us 'crazies' generally don't care what you call us either! These "complaints" are rarely ever made by the offendees themselves, it is someone else who is offended on the behalf of A. N. Other.

We are all offended by things. If we were to remove everything that "may offend" someone then people would be offended by the lack of... Well... Everything!

Yes, it is always wise to err on the side of caution so if your mum's best friend's cousin's dog's groomer might be a little nuts then simply don't wear a straight jacket to her party this Halloween. I, on the other hand might well don a straight jacket and run round with a hatchet just for the lulz.

Keep Smiling :(:

Saturday, 26 October 2013

Time keeps slipping. (A blog I didn't get round to posting and won't finish now)



Where does the time go? How is it almost the end of July already?!

I can't believe it's been over a month since I wrote my last blog!

I never really know what to write when it's been so long as so much seems to happen!

Well, as you may have read, I relapsed into self harm recently. I had been 6 months cut free and I fell off the wagon so to speak! For a while I was very angry at myself. I accused myself of being weak, of not having any will power or self control. Then I realised I was wrong! It's ok to wander off the beaten path from time to time. It doesn't make me a failure, it makes me human!! After all, isn't that what I am?

Sometimes I don't know what I am, I don't know who I am and I don't know where I'm going. It can be quite an experience for me to have an identity crisis. I had a similar crisis some two years ago when I wrote Who am I? I couldn't separate myself from my mental illness and see myself as a person.

I have decided that I am going to allow myself to cut if I need it. I can almost hear the simultaneous gasps as people read this sentence. Yes, I am going to allow myself to cut. I have realised that I NEED this. I NEED to cut as an alcoholic NEEDS a drink first thing in the morning or a heroin addict NEEDS a fix at all costs or a smoker NEEDS a cigarette when he is stressed!!

Now, I know that there will be people out there who will disagree with me and think that I am 'attention seeking' or being plain stupid but no one knows me better than me!

There was a recent incident at home. Those of you who are friends with me on Facebook may have seen my little rant. My flatmate and supposed "friend" of some 7 years decided it would be in my best interest to point out that my "scratches are really obvious"! Can you believe it? As if I didn't FUCKING ALREADY KNOW THAT YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING MOUTH BREATHER! DO YOU THINK I DON'T SEE THIS EVERY GOD DAMNED DAY WHEN I DRESS AND UNDRESS?!

I can't continue with this particular blog. 

Sunday, 9 June 2013

6 months + 2 years! (EDITED)


I had to re-write this blog.

Recently I got to 6 months cut free. It was a goal I'd set myself and one I was very proud to have achieved. However, recently I relapsed.

I felt bitterly disappointed in myself. I had worked so hard, struggled so much and then I threw it all away.

On 6 June, it was the two year anniversary of my blog! 


I remember when I first started writing it. I didn't think I would keep it up for 2 weeks let alone 2 years!! 

Life is a funny old thing sometimes. You think things are going great, you feel happy, you're very focussed then BAM! Something comes along and ruins everything!! That's what's going on with me at the moment. 

I'm feeling VERY sorry for myself of late. So much has gone on recently that I don't even know what to write about. 

I am planning to go back to the doctors and get myself put back onto medication.

In the meantime, I would recommend some books for self harmers and those who know and care about someone who self harms and wants to help them:

To that end, this is all I am going to write for now. Hopefully when I am feeling better I will be able to write something a little more interesting!!


Ok, so I'm feeling a little more like writing right now. 

In recent news you may or may not have heard the recent revelation of Stephen Fry's suicide attempt in 2012. 

I am always most grateful for people like Fry making his plight public. He is an incredibly brave man and has helped me a lot without even knowing it!!  I read a lot of his stuff on his Twitter  and I have to say, I am astounded by the way people treat another human being, more so when they have not even met him! His lifestyle, sexuality, mental state and all of his private doings have nothing to do with us as individuals but when he does speak out, he does not do it for attention, he does it to let people know, IT'S OK to be different. Whether that be sexually, mentally or in any other manner. 

Of course, I don't know the man personally, I would LOVE to but I don't. I am simply saying what I see from the things he says on Twitter. Perhaps I have it all wrong, perhaps Stephen Fry is an absolute media whore and does all of this for attention but I strongly doubt it! Sufferers of mental health conditions are not known for wanting attention! 

Mental illness is no laughing matter. It is a very serious illness and it is about time people stopped being so ignorant! You wouldn't ask a cancer patient what they have to be cancerous about, you would not ask a diabetic what they have to be diabetic about so why do people seem to think it's ok to ask depressed people what they have to be depressed about?! 

Another story I read recently that saddened me was that of Joshua Unsworth. He was a 15 year old boy who was 'bullied to death' by internet "trolls".  Bullying is another phenomenon that I fail to understand. I have experienced bullying personally and I cannot express how painful it is to be bullied. I grew up thinking I was 'stupid' 'ugly' 'pathetic' 'worthless' that I would 'amount to nothing'. I have to say, an individual rarely forgets things that are said to them as children, especially when these things are repeated by everyone around them.

Not enough is done in schools to combat bullying. A lot of the time it goes unnoticed as the child is too ashamed to talk about it. Much the same as self injury.

I have recently decided to undertake my final year project in relation to self injury. My supervisor was reasonably concerned given my own history with self injury however, I have assured her that it will not be a trigger for me as I will have no direct contact with sufferers. 

That being said, recent events that have happened in my life have triggered me into relapse. I have embraced this. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I made it to 6 months and I can get there again. This time it might just be a little harder. 

Keep Smiling :(:

Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Letting go


It's been a while since I've written again. I've had a lot going on recently! My last blog was a celebration of being 100+ days cut free!!

Today's blog I want to talk about letting go of things.

When something has been in your life for a considerable period of time, it can be really difficult to let go. Whether that something be an item you cherish, a relationship or even a habit you have sustained. To go on and live your life without this something can be very difficult.

Recently,  I have been through many transitions that have caused me to let go of things for one reason or another. I have found this quite difficult in some respects.

I have lost connections with people I cherished. This was through no fault of my own although I did nothing to prevent it happening. I have also 'lost' my self harming. Now, this may sound odd to someone who has never self harmed. For me, it means losing control. Losing a fight. Losing direction and worst of all, losing feeling.

It  is difficult to explain the experience of losing feelings. I don't just mean emotions here, I mean real physical feelings too. Heat, cold, pain, pleasure. It has all but gone from my life. I guess I can fake it if I feel the need but even the desire to do that has gone! There are very few things now that make me feel anything and I'm at a loss as to whether that's a good thing or a bad thing! I guess if I don't feel then I can't get hurt right...?

Breaking a habit is a very enduring thing to go through. I can honestly say I have no idea how I have managed it this far. I believe that will power takes us only a certain part of the way. Who knows what propels us after that? 

Life itself is pretty much an uphill battle and we have to keep pushing to get to the top. The thing is, what is actually at the top of that hill? What happens when we reach our goals? Is that it? 

I believe there is NO top to that hill, every time you reach one peak, another juts out before you waiting for you to climb that one. When you get to the next one you can look down and see how far you have come and then continue on up.

This is how I have got through most of my life, by simply pushing through. 

There have been many road blocks along the path of my life however, I have chosen to sidestep some of them. Not all, that would be foolish! 

One road block I side stepped for a long time was happiness. Yes, it may be true that happiness can get in the way of things but without happiness what is there?

Who can tell me how happiness feels? I sure don't know. There are things that make me smile of course but I don't really truly know what happiness is. I have recently been reading about a phenomenon called cherophobia. This is the apparent phobia of happiness (and then some.) The levels of cherophobia depend on the individual but isn't this something we've all suffered to some extent at some point in our lives? I would say so. 

Recently I have been thinking about my future. We all do this to some extent on a regular basis. I have come to the distinct realisation that next year, not only will I have finished my degree, I will also be turning 30. I don't know why but I have the impression that 30 will look different to how 29 may look or how 28 looks at the moment. I feel that I may have to become more 'serious'. It is difficult to accept this as who defines serious anyhow? I would say that that is down to the individual. 

I very much doubt I will ever fully grow up. Idiotic things make me laugh far too much! Also, working with children is a great way to maintain youth! I guess I like to consider myself a regular Peter Pan! 

Some people say that growing old is inevitable but growing up is optional. I tend to follow this mantra myself to an extent. I am aware that I have to be mature and responsible with regards to maintaining my household, working and studying. However, that does not mean I cannot have fun and as long as no one is getting hurt, what harm is there if my idea of fun is rolling down a steep hill at the side of a castle?! 

I also need to let go of my excessive behaviour. I believe this is 'part and parcel' with a mental disorder but it is still not excusable. Things such as drinking. I like to have a drink now and then. It's not a necessity in order for me to have a good time and I do know my limits. However, there are times when I will binge drink. I know that this is neither good for my body nor my bank balance but it is something I still feel the need to do every now and again. Also, my excessive eating. I have put on quite a lot of weight over the past 18 months or so. 

There are other things that I really ought to let go of in my life but for some reason I really can't! They seem to lurk in the darkened recesses of my brain! 

One of the hardest things for me at the moment is maintaining my relationship. It can be very trying at times and more often than not I'm unsure as to whether it's me overreacting or not.

My Mr Aussie and I had quite a big fight recently which ended with me breaking my toe somehow (genuinely no idea how) and fucking up my knuckles by punching walls. My anger isn't getting any better! If anything, since I stopped cutting I'm getting more and more aggressive. 

I guess that since I'm coming to the end of my second year of uni I'm feeling a little confused and perhaps like I'm not quite ready to move onto the next phase of my life! 

I really wanted to go back to the temple I found in Wimbledon but I have since discovered that my crazy ex is leading classes there!! As far as I know, there are no other free buddhist temples in London!! 

I have been writing this blog now for nearly two weeks and it's not going anywhere so I'm going to let go of it for now! Hopefully I will be back soon with something more coherent!! 

Keep Smiling :(: