Saturday, 16 February 2013

Where are we going??


I haven't been around for a while, I've been all over the place! Do you ever feel like you've been going round in circles for such a long time? No matter what you do you always end up at the same place?

This is how I've been feeling lately! I'm trying to make slow steady changes in my life to help myself get better but I always end up right back where I started.

It's incredibly hard to break bad habits. No matter how much we realise these habits are bad we still have this need to keep them up. These are addictions...! Also, why is it we can give advice to people but we can't seem to take it for ourselves? Do we feel we're not worthy? I do!

Just recently, I wrote a programme for people who suffer self-injurious behaviour as a project for university. I got very good feedback on this. It's something I know a lot about having been injuring myself for more than 15 years.

However, I cannot seem to take these things on board for myself. I'm still being pushed to the bottom of the pile with my CMHT as I'm not a "risk". What am I supposed to do? I want to get the help that I know that I need, I don't want to have to be sectioned in order to obtain this help but I'm not enough of a risk?!

I'm not just asking for help! I'm screaming and crying for it! I know that I need help, I accept this now more than I ever have in my life but I'm simply not a priority!! What if I were to hospitalise myself? Well, It'd affect my job, I wouldn't be able to work therefore I wouldn't be able to pay my bills at home. My flatmates may then feel a certain sense of responsibility for me, my family and friends would ask why didn't I come to them for help. I'd likely be forced to take medication... It'd disrupt the entire facade that I have worked for many years to build.

Things have been incredibly difficult for me recently. Those of you who "know" me well will know that I am a student at university. My last semester was terrible. I was completely unable to get my work done to a standard I know I'm more than capable of. Why could I not do this? I simply could not be bothered! Now I know that is a terrible excuse but it's true nonetheless! I have been incredibly bored with my second year of uni and when I am bored I find it difficult to make any sort of effort!

You may also know that I am involved in a new relationship.

It was difficult for me to accept that someone would actually be interested in me enough to date me and to actually love me after my track record recently! I haven't had a good run of it let's just say that. However, Mr Aussie is different. I don't know why, I can't really explain it. He's younger than me and that makes things quite difficult as I forget that there is a 6 year age gap. I also forget that I have WAY more life experience than many 28 year old women I know. I guess he understands me in a way not many people can. You see, both of his parents have some form of mental health issues. It's not my place to go into detail about his family life but he has lived with it and seems to understand it much better.

Many people don't understand mental illness. There are a number of reasons for this but I suspect that the main reason is ignorance. We live in such a world that everyone ought to know at least a little about mental health issues since it is so prevalent in society these days. However, I'm ashamed to say that many of my fellow humans are simply ignorant to mental illness. I understand that they may not have been taught about mental health as such and that is ok, it's not that which I find frustrating. It's people who believe things they read in the media about mental health. Like we're all dangerous, we're all crazy, we'd kill you if we just had a knife to hand... None of this is strictly true! Yes, there are mentally unwell people who HAVE killed people, who ARE dangerous but the two are NOT synonymous!

I was on the tram the other morning heading to university when I overheard a conversation between two women with children:

Woman 1: "Oh yeah he has a mental disorder, he's a psycho"
Woman 2: "That's not good, you shouldn't let him near your kids he'd probably kill one of them or something"
Woman 1: "Yeah they're all the same, they're all fucking crazy"

At this point I tuned out what they were saying lest I went over and smashed one of them in the face!!

Ignorance is not and will never be blissful. It is incredibly dangerous to be so ignorant.

Another conversation I had to fight to keep out of was one on Facebook between a friend of mine and a friend of theirs who I didn't know:

K: "Yeah she cuts herself all the time"
S: "OMG why would she do that?"
K: "Cos she's a fuckin attention whore!"
S: "Stupid cow does she think that anyone would give a shit if she killed herself?"
K: "I know yeah, the world would be a better place without her ugly ass face anyway LOL"

I can scarcely believe that people hold such beliefs!!

I had a bit of an awkward moment at uni on Tuesday. Some of you may have seen the scar that I have on my right forearm. It is from a burn that I inflicted upon myself in a manic state. One of my uni friends asked me about it:

Her: "What's that scar on your arm?"
Me: *Trying to cover scar* "Oh, it's nothing"
Her: "It looks really bad"
Me: "Yeah it was, it's fine now though, it happened last year"
Her: "How did you do it?"
Me: "Oh, I don't really want to talk about it"

It's so difficult to try and explain my self injurious behaviour to people because I don't believe you can really fully understand it until you have been through it yourself. It is scientifically proven that self harm actually helps sufferers with Borderline Personality Disorder as can be seen in this article here.

It's hard to know where to go with my blog at the moment. I'm not really in much of a fit state to continue to write it regularly however, I don't want to shut it down as I know it is of benefit to me as well as others. I did have more stuff to write but my head is a little bit of a mess at the moment so I'll end it here and try to get back as soon as possible. 

Keep Smiling :(: 

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