Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Letting go


It's been a while since I've written again. I've had a lot going on recently! My last blog was a celebration of being 100+ days cut free!!

Today's blog I want to talk about letting go of things.

When something has been in your life for a considerable period of time, it can be really difficult to let go. Whether that something be an item you cherish, a relationship or even a habit you have sustained. To go on and live your life without this something can be very difficult.

Recently,  I have been through many transitions that have caused me to let go of things for one reason or another. I have found this quite difficult in some respects.

I have lost connections with people I cherished. This was through no fault of my own although I did nothing to prevent it happening. I have also 'lost' my self harming. Now, this may sound odd to someone who has never self harmed. For me, it means losing control. Losing a fight. Losing direction and worst of all, losing feeling.

It  is difficult to explain the experience of losing feelings. I don't just mean emotions here, I mean real physical feelings too. Heat, cold, pain, pleasure. It has all but gone from my life. I guess I can fake it if I feel the need but even the desire to do that has gone! There are very few things now that make me feel anything and I'm at a loss as to whether that's a good thing or a bad thing! I guess if I don't feel then I can't get hurt right...?

Breaking a habit is a very enduring thing to go through. I can honestly say I have no idea how I have managed it this far. I believe that will power takes us only a certain part of the way. Who knows what propels us after that? 

Life itself is pretty much an uphill battle and we have to keep pushing to get to the top. The thing is, what is actually at the top of that hill? What happens when we reach our goals? Is that it? 

I believe there is NO top to that hill, every time you reach one peak, another juts out before you waiting for you to climb that one. When you get to the next one you can look down and see how far you have come and then continue on up.

This is how I have got through most of my life, by simply pushing through. 

There have been many road blocks along the path of my life however, I have chosen to sidestep some of them. Not all, that would be foolish! 

One road block I side stepped for a long time was happiness. Yes, it may be true that happiness can get in the way of things but without happiness what is there?

Who can tell me how happiness feels? I sure don't know. There are things that make me smile of course but I don't really truly know what happiness is. I have recently been reading about a phenomenon called cherophobia. This is the apparent phobia of happiness (and then some.) The levels of cherophobia depend on the individual but isn't this something we've all suffered to some extent at some point in our lives? I would say so. 

Recently I have been thinking about my future. We all do this to some extent on a regular basis. I have come to the distinct realisation that next year, not only will I have finished my degree, I will also be turning 30. I don't know why but I have the impression that 30 will look different to how 29 may look or how 28 looks at the moment. I feel that I may have to become more 'serious'. It is difficult to accept this as who defines serious anyhow? I would say that that is down to the individual. 

I very much doubt I will ever fully grow up. Idiotic things make me laugh far too much! Also, working with children is a great way to maintain youth! I guess I like to consider myself a regular Peter Pan! 

Some people say that growing old is inevitable but growing up is optional. I tend to follow this mantra myself to an extent. I am aware that I have to be mature and responsible with regards to maintaining my household, working and studying. However, that does not mean I cannot have fun and as long as no one is getting hurt, what harm is there if my idea of fun is rolling down a steep hill at the side of a castle?! 

I also need to let go of my excessive behaviour. I believe this is 'part and parcel' with a mental disorder but it is still not excusable. Things such as drinking. I like to have a drink now and then. It's not a necessity in order for me to have a good time and I do know my limits. However, there are times when I will binge drink. I know that this is neither good for my body nor my bank balance but it is something I still feel the need to do every now and again. Also, my excessive eating. I have put on quite a lot of weight over the past 18 months or so. 

There are other things that I really ought to let go of in my life but for some reason I really can't! They seem to lurk in the darkened recesses of my brain! 

One of the hardest things for me at the moment is maintaining my relationship. It can be very trying at times and more often than not I'm unsure as to whether it's me overreacting or not.

My Mr Aussie and I had quite a big fight recently which ended with me breaking my toe somehow (genuinely no idea how) and fucking up my knuckles by punching walls. My anger isn't getting any better! If anything, since I stopped cutting I'm getting more and more aggressive. 

I guess that since I'm coming to the end of my second year of uni I'm feeling a little confused and perhaps like I'm not quite ready to move onto the next phase of my life! 

I really wanted to go back to the temple I found in Wimbledon but I have since discovered that my crazy ex is leading classes there!! As far as I know, there are no other free buddhist temples in London!! 

I have been writing this blog now for nearly two weeks and it's not going anywhere so I'm going to let go of it for now! Hopefully I will be back soon with something more coherent!! 

Keep Smiling :(: 

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