Where does the time go? How is it almost the end of July already?!
I can't believe it's been over a month since I wrote my last blog!
I never really know what to write when it's been so long as so much seems to happen!
Well, as you may have read, I relapsed into self harm recently. I had been 6 months cut free and I fell off the wagon so to speak! For a while I was very angry at myself. I accused myself of being weak, of not having any will power or self control. Then I realised I was wrong! It's ok to wander off the beaten path from time to time. It doesn't make me a failure, it makes me human!! After all, isn't that what I am?
Sometimes I don't know what I am, I don't know who I am and I don't know where I'm going. It can be quite an experience for me to have an identity crisis. I had a similar crisis some two years ago when I wrote Who am I? I couldn't separate myself from my mental illness and see myself as a person.
I have decided that I am going to allow myself to cut if I need it. I can almost hear the simultaneous gasps as people read this sentence. Yes, I am going to allow myself to cut. I have realised that I NEED this. I NEED to cut as an alcoholic NEEDS a drink first thing in the morning or a heroin addict NEEDS a fix at all costs or a smoker NEEDS a cigarette when he is stressed!!
Now, I know that there will be people out there who will disagree with me and think that I am 'attention seeking' or being plain stupid but no one knows me better than me!
There was a recent incident at home. Those of you who are friends with me on Facebook may have seen my little rant. My flatmate and supposed "friend" of some 7 years decided it would be in my best interest to point out that my "scratches are really obvious"! Can you believe it? As if I didn't FUCKING ALREADY KNOW THAT YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING MOUTH BREATHER! DO YOU THINK I DON'T SEE THIS EVERY GOD DAMNED DAY WHEN I DRESS AND UNDRESS?!
I can't continue with this particular blog.