Wednesday, 27 August 2014



I have written and re written this blog countless times now and I still can't seem to get it right!

I have decided to shut down my Facebook page associated with The Bipolar Kid and I am now running this blog from my own page.

Those of you who had me as a friend on Facebook will know that over the past 6 months or so things have become increasingly difficult for me. I found myself without a job and have still not yet managed to resolve this issue. This has had a huge impact on my mental health. I have worked all of my life. I have been in gainful employment since I was 13 years of age. I have worked incredibly hard over the years doing jobs that I hated in order to get to where I am now. I love my current career choice. Working with children is something I am incredibly passionate about. When I resume my degree I fully intend to work with children who suffer mental health issues. It terrifies me to know that children can and do suffer the same issues that I do. To know that children are being medicated and/or institutionalised. I will be looking soon to speak with parents of young children who are medicated and/or institutionalised.

Anyway, I digress. On my Facebook page I had some 700+ friends and I've invited everyone over to like the 'A Tale of Two Mes' page but I think in doing this I have actually lost a lot of readers. Unfortunately, this is a sacrifice I have had to make as it has been so difficult trying to maintain two separate lives. It's strange really as the three or so years I have been writing this blog I have strived to keep it anonymous. Not because I am ashamed of my mental health - far from it - but because I wanted my blog to appeal to everyone. I wanted to be seen as an everyman (woman). I wanted people to wonder if they'd ever sat next to me on the bus or spoken to me in a supermarket queue and simply not realised.

Lately it has been very difficult for me to gather my thoughts enough to write a coherent blog. Thankfully, I have had someone who has quite literally propped me up over the last few months and pretty much kept me alive in recent weeks. Sometimes, I think I forget how exhausting I can be as a person. Trying to gauge my moods and acting accordingly is not something a friend should have to deal with, however, this friend has done exactly that. I realise that I might eventually push him too far and he will simply walk away. I wouldn't blame him for this but right now, I am so grateful to him. I think he knows this, I've told him many times, but I'm not entirely sure he understands the extent of what he has done for me. I'm not a dependent person, well, I try not to be, but I do think that sometimes when a person extends their hand, I grab on for dear life! 

I know I've been very unstable recently, I know that because my behaviour has been erratic, I've been saying things that I know I don't mean and I've been neglecting myself hugely. This is nothing new for me to be honest. I'm rather well known for putting others ahead of me, it's not something I am able to change easily but the level of self-neglect is getting rather high. I think the whole unemployment thing is weighing hugely on my mind. The support afforded to the unemployed in this country is dire. I actually have quite a lot to say on this subject but I will reserve it for a separate blog.

Speaking of neglect, I've actually managed to get doctors appointments sorted recently! It turns out that not only do I have a mental illness but a physical issue too. From what I've read, the two could well be linked. I met the sister of a friend last week who basically told me I have hyper mobility syndrome. I'd heard of this but didn't really know much about it. She asked me if I could do a bunch of flexible things and I could. She then advised me to go to the doctors about it. Doc was sat at his computer and I shit you not, he googled "how to diagnose hyper mobility syndrome". Way to instil confidence doc! Anyway, there's a test called the Beighton scale with 9 points on. I ticked all 9! Therefore, I am now being referred to a musculoskeletal clinic to see how bad things are and look at the next course of action! Fun times!!

Whilst I was at the doctors, I mentioned my mental health and asked about a CBT referral. First of all, doc was displeased as an appointment is only supposed to be 10 minutes long and to discuss just ONE thing (ridiculous!). Secondly, he informed me that GPs no longer make referrals for mental health. What's that about? Since when?! He told me I have to make a self referral via the IAPT system. He didn't bother to explain what this was, nor did he give me any further information so now I have to go check it out myself! Why did I even bother going to the doctors?!  I also have a further 2 appointments at the doctors for other things I've been meaning to get sorted for ages now. Go me!

It looks like I'm going to be moving house again soon (yay!) as the landlord here is an absolute tool! He is fully aware of my unemployment situation - this is NOT my fault - and when it was mentioned I may have to claim Housing Benefit in the interim he went absolutely nuts! He told me he didn't want "that kind" of tenant. What exactly does that mean? I've worked since I was 13. I've paid tax and national insurance since I was 16 and I've never claimed benefits in my life... surely I deserve a little bit of help when I'm down on my luck considering I've paid towards this?! The funny (or not funny) thing is, one of my housemates has been paying her rent with Housing Benefit since she moved in and the landlord is completely unaware! As far as landlords go, he's pretty shitty. I moved into the house in January, he didn't bother getting my tenancy agreement to me until May. It then expired in June so "technically" I don't owe him any money from 27 June but hey, I'm not a scumbag so I'll pay my dues! I have actually made a claim to Housing Benefit as is my right and he can moan about it all he likes, there's nothing he can do! I've tried speaking to the Citizen's Advice about this situation but I can never seem to get through to anyone and if you just turn up at the office they tell you that you need to call them...!

These little things certainly don't help me in my current mental state I can tell you! It's been so difficult keeping myself even at neutral lately. If it wasn't for a very good friend of mine, Iim not sure where I would be right now. Friends are so important to me. It might not seem that way sometimes but I can assure you, the friends that I have are so incredible and I probably don't tell them that often enough. This particular friend has been my lifeline for the past few months. He's a really great guy and has held my head above the water a lot recently. I worry about that sort of thing if I'm honest. I tell him quite often how grateful I am to have him in my life right now and I thank him for helping me so much but part of me wonders "when will he turn his back on me?". I know this is not a healthy mindset to have but this whole situation has proven itself time and time again. Take for example when I left university. I had this one great friend who I thought would be there for me no matter what yet when things got a little too hairy after the festive period, she turned her back on me. Now, that's her prerogative but it just reinforces the feeling in me that it will happen again and again.

Recently, I decided to take part in the 100 Days of Happiness challenge. Well, I say recently, today is actually my 100th day. I have to say, I'm quite proud that I've actually made it right through to the end. Finding something positive in each day, no matter how small, can actually be a huge challenge. It has helped me in some ways to take a step back from each day and look with different eyes. I made sure that each day was something different otherwise it would have been 100 pictures of my cat, my books, my bed and cups of tea! It can be too easy to fall into bad habits when you're feeling depressed and I've tried really hard to keep on top of it. It may not seem like much to most of the people who have done it but to me, it has been a massive achievement.

I am going to try and get back into the swing of things with my blog and get back to writing on a regular basis but it's actually rather hard work!

I think I'm going to end this blog here because I have two others that need writing and I want to get them done asap. Three blogs in one day, can you imagine?!

Until next time

Keep Smiling :(:

1 comment:

  1. That is your opinion and you are perfectly entitled to it.


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