Saturday, 22 October 2016

How to save a live

Two bacon butties and three cups of tea later and I'm feeling somewhat more human!

Last night there was an alarming post in a mental health group I am part of. We didn't know if this post was real or just a cry for help. Either way, several members of the group did everything they could do find out where this person lived and alerted the police to their whereabouts. This person was subsequently taken to hospital. 

None of the responders knew this person. The message could have easily been ignored. Instead, everyone donned their capes and saved this person's life. 
People often talk badly about those with mental health issues. They say that we're bad or dangerous. This is not true even slightly. 

If you are worried for humanity right now (and you should be) just know that a group of people saved the life of a person they had never met last night. A group of people who were no doubt struggling themselves. Not knowing what to do or where to find the person in need. 

I am sure today these people will simply go about their usual business, doing whatever it is they do in a Saturday afternoon but hopefully with a little joy in their hearts knowing that last night they saved a life! 

Wednesday, 19 October 2016

My feelings ARE valid!

Do you know what I hate? I hate having my feelings invalidated. It really irks me. Do you want to know why I hate it so much? It's not because I'm a woman, it's not because I'm a feminist either. Its because I have Borderline Personality Disorder. 

One of the main features of BPD is emotional instability. This is something I have worked hard on for many years. I still don't have the hang of it, I know that but believe me, I am fucking working on it! 

If you don't have an emotional instability, you will have no idea how lucky you are. You are able to recognise emotions and deal with them in an appropriate manner. I envy you. I wish I could do the same!

When you hurt me, you hurt me very deeply. So deep that I can't get to it in order to stop that hurt. When you make me angry, I get so angry my head might just explode. When I am upset, my heart shatters into a thousand pieces. When I love, I love deeper and more passionately than you could even begin to imagine.

When you invalidate my feelings, not only are you making me feel less of a person, you are also setting my recovery back because you make me think that I am doing it wrong. That my emotions aren't real. That I'm not processing properly. Why would you do that to me?? 
You can tell me you're sorry and you didn't realise but you know what? Fuck your apology, stick it where the fucking sun don't shine! If we are friends you will have seen me post on numerous occasions about my mental health, you may have read my blog too. Heck, we may have even had a discussion about my mental health issues and how they affect me so you should know better!

Also, we feel things differently because guess what? WE ARE DIFFERENT!
So the next time you want to dismiss my feelings as an overreaction, dismiss me from your life too because I am fucking done!

Monday, 10 October 2016

World mental health day 2016

With less than one hour left of #worldmentalhealthday I have managed to finish what I was writing.

For this world mental health day, I wanted to write about something very important to me.

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder some 10 years or so ago. This is a mood disorder typically characterised by unstable relationships with others, cognitive distortions, impulsive behaviour and emotional instability.

There is no known specific cause for BPD, however, it is thought to be caused by a combination of genetic and environmental factors. It is typically associated with traumatic events during childhood.

Many, such as myself, who have been diagnosed with BPD also suffer with drug/alcohol misuse, generalised anxiety disorder, depression, bipolar disorder, suicide attempts and self harm. Other personality disorders and eating disorders are also linked to BPD but are not presently issues that affect me personally.

The general population have an image in their heads of those of us with mental health issues. We are supposed to look and behave a certain way. We have no friends, we don't take care of our appearance, we can't hold down a job and we are unable to pay our bills. Furthermore, there appears to be a belief that we are of lesser intelligence. Whilst this may well be true of many sufferers, it is not the only truth.

I am a high functioning individual despite my illnesses. I am able to work a highly stressful job, I maintain my appearance outside of my safe space and am generally held in high regard amongst my peers. This makes my illness very difficult to believe in.

Truth be told, I am not 100% high functioning but very few people see the low functioning side of my disorder. Because of my personality and the way I was brought up, it is very difficult for me to allow others to see me struggling. It is ugly. It is dangerous. It is frankly, quite terrifying! My illness and behaviour can and will have a negative impact on those who spend a lot of time with me. Because of this, I try to limit my social circle. I have lost more people than I care to count from my life as they only really knew me with the mask in place and they couldn't cope when they saw it slip. Because I am aware of how negatively my behaviour can impact on those around me, I make a very conscious effort to not show my true self when I am struggling. I will always be there for others, I will take on more than I can handle in both my work and personal life and I will do it all with a smile and a twinkle in my eyes.

People often ask why I do this. They accuse me of lying to those who care about me and of exaggerating my illness when the mask inevitably slips at the wrong time. Yes, I will hold up my hands and admit that I lie on a daily basis to those who care about me. I tell them that I'm fine or that I just haven't slept too well or I have a cold coming on. These are not outright lies but for me and for them, it is just easier. My pain and suffering is difficult to comprehend. For anyone.

How would one explain to a loved one that often you go to bed wishing you won't wake up in the morning? How does one explain to a loved one that sometimes, the only way to redress the balance in your life is by dragging a blade across your skin? How does one explain to a loved one that your drug/alcohol usage is to numb the pain you feel to your very core? The words would hurt. They wouldn't understand the pain. No one can. Everyone suffers in their own ways. Even those close to me who suffer similar struggles will never understand my pain and I will never understand theirs.

I love my life. I really do. I'm happier now than I have been in a very long time. But I still suffer greatly. Every day. And it's so much harder when I'm also high functioning. People don't seem to be able to take my suffering seriously. Besides the psychological turmoil, I also suffer physical pain daily owing to fibromyalgia and hyper mobility syndrome. Yet because I am so used to the pain I carry on. I push through that wall of pain and continue with my job, my social life, my relationship. There are days when I wake for work and I don't want to get up. I don't want to have to smile for the kids and be happy but I do. Truth be told, the kids give me strength. They help me a lot. They believe in me and they love me. That's not to say that other people in my life don't feel the same way but love from a child is pure and untainted. Their belief in me is based purely on their interactions with me. They haven't been indoctrinated yet by the media. Brainwashed by TV.  

People seem to only believe I have a mental health condition when I have a crisis. That is not the case. It is something I live with every single day. I just happen to hide it well. Being go functioning does not lessen my pain and anguish. If anything, sometimes it's greater.

Saturday, 10 September 2016

World Suicide Prevention Day

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. If you are having a hard time, please reach out. There is always someone there. If you follow my blog or Facebook page, that means you can reach out to me. I may not have any answers for you but I will listen.

I've been there, I've been suicidal and I've no doubt I'll be there again. It's hard knowing the correct thing to say. Honestly, just let people know that you're there. It may be that they won't open up to you but just knowing someone is there helps more than you can ever imagine. My life has been saved by "ordinary" people. People who simply sit and listen. People who just send an out of the blue message asking how I am. People I love and adore so much.

Do you know someone who may be struggling? Send them a message today, just say "Hi how are you" you could save a life.

You may not think someone is suicidal. They won't have talked about ending their lives. They won't look up methods on the Internet. They won't appear to be depressed. They are most likely to be the exact opposite. Suicide does not come with a warning to loved ones. It just happens. 

Save a life today.

Sunday, 28 August 2016

An Open Letter

I am writing this for myself. I am writing this for others like me. I am writing this to educate you. 
I see you looking when I am on the tube wearing shorts in this impossibly hot weather. I see you looking when I am on the beach in a swimsuit. I see you looking when I’m out with my friends and I am wearing a dress. 
I see the look of disgust on your face. I see you when you nudge your companion to “look at her leg”. I see their faces too. Disgust. Revulsion. Horror. 
I hear you when you gasp. 
I hear the not so whispered words:
“Oh my god look at that!”
“What a fucking psycho!”
“Stupid fucking attention seeker!”
I see you pull your child away telling them to “be careful”.
I hear your laughter when your companion tells you “careful she doesn’t hear, she might have a knife” 
I know why you avoid sitting next to me on the bus, on the train, at a table in a bar. 
Do you know what I am referring to yet?
What it is that I see every single day of my life?
What sometimes makes me cry so hard I feel like I’m never going to stop? 
What makes me feel ashamed, disgusted, ugly, worthless, crazy, fucked up and so on?
I have scars. 
The ones you tend to notice the most are the fat ugly silvery purple scars that I have on my left leg. 
You may notice others too. On my right leg, on my knuckles, on my forearms. I have scars. 
What you don’t see, however, is the scars across my heart. The scars across my self esteem. The scars across my personality. 
If you look closely, you may catch a glimpse of these scars when you pull your child away. Those scars look like tears. You may catch a glimpse of those scars when I hear you and your companion calling me names. Those scars look like hurt in my eyes. 
I am a self harmer. I have been for pretty much all of my life. It hasn’t always been as obvious as the ugly mess you see now. Before it was more sneaky, more volatile and more dangerous. 
I know you wonder WHY I do this to myself. Everyone does. Some people keep that question to themselves. Some people ask outright. Others simply answer the question for themselves. 
Allow me to answer that for you now. In my own words.
Why do I cut myself?
I have mental health issues. The most prevalent being Borderline Personality Disorder. I won’t go into detail about it but you can do a quick Google search in your own time and you will find a wealth of information. 
One of the symptoms of BPD is self injury (SI). There are many different types of self injury. I won’t list them. It isn’t decent. 
Self injury is not necessarily attempt at suicide. The behaviour I engage in is referred to as non-suicidal self injury (NSSI). 
Owing to my BPD I struggle with feelings and emotions. I can easily get overwhelmed by them. I often don’t know what they are or why I’m feeling them. It’s stressful. It’s scary. It’s upsetting and when I get to a point where I am just too overwhelmed, I cut. These feelings and emotions may be positive, they may also be negative.
Why self injure though?
I’m sure you’ve seen old movies where a woman becomes hysterical and a man shakes her and slaps her across the face? This is to bring her back to centre if you will. To calm her down. 
When a heart stops beating, a medical professional will use electricity to restart it. 
When your computer stops working, you disconnect the power then reconnect it. That usually resolves the problem. 
All of these things are a jolt to the system. They stop a process before it gets so bad that you can no longer fix it. 
That’s it. That’s self injury. That’s what you see on my skin. Me. Surviving. 
I hid my survival for a long time. I was ashamed. I was disgusted. I was scared. 
I am a good person for the most part. I am kind and caring. I am honest and loyal. I will give you the shirt from my back if you needed it. Yet somehow I am defined by my scars. By my survival. By my exterior. Just because I harm myself, it does not logically follow that I must harm others too. 
It’s hard enough surviving with everything that goes on inside my head. Don’t make it harder by judging me. Mocking me. Shaming me. 
So if you see another person with scars like mine, don’t stare, don’t whisper, don’t be disgusted. Know that we have struggled. Know that things got so difficult we had no choice but to hit the reset button.
But most of all, know that we survived!
Thank you for listening.

Monday, 18 July 2016

Are YOU a terrorist?!

How can we hope to stand together against the atrocities in this world when we keep tearing each other down over the silliest of things? 

I won't support anyone who body shames another human being. 

I won't call you an idiot if you are reliving your youth playing Pokemon Go. 

I don't care what you do for fun as long as no one is being harmed.

If you post about "all lives matter" or "not all men" I will assume you have no idea of the damage you are causing owing to ignorance or lack of education and I will show you how your behaviour is silencing those who have fought and continue to fight long and hard to have their voices heard. 

If you are in any way homophobic I will show you scientific evidence that proves you are an idiot. 
If you believe people with mental health issues are dangerous I will show you some of the most beautiful human beings in my little world who will give you the shirt from their backs whilst quieting their own black dogs. 

I don't care if you voted for Brexit or Bremain as long as you used your vote constructively.
I won't listen as you bemoan immigrants/asylum seekers/refugees whilst using each term 
interchangeably and often incorrectly. 

No one human being is better than another. Not because of skin colour. Not because of sexual proclivities. Not because of educational backgrounds. Not for any reason. 
I am exhausted by all of the fights and arguments. It is so unnecessary. 

Terrorism is defined as: The unlawful use of violence and intimidation, especially against civilians, in the pursuit of political aims. 

Not all terrorists tote guns and kill people. Think about that.

Tuesday, 14 June 2016

Stand up WITH us

I've said it before and I'll say it again;

You do not stand up FOR maligned individuals. You do not fight FOR those who have their voices silenced. 

You stand up and you fight WITH them. 
Stop thinking they can't fight their own battles because you are inadvertently silencing them too.

Thursday, 2 June 2016

You don't know!

In regards to the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard case.

I’ve been a victim of domestic abuse. You have no idea what it is like until you have been there! 
Every morning I would put on my smiling mask and go to work as if nothing happened. As the clock ticked towards finish time the mask would start to slip. I became anxious. I felt sick. Standing at the train station for my commute home I prayed for late/cancelled trains. 
At Clapham Junction I’d consider jumping in front of the next high speed train passing through. When I got home I’d go straight to my room hoping he didn’t see me. Hoping I didn’t piss him off. 
When he hit me he would tell me it was my fault for provoking him and I believed him. When he raped me he would tell me that I was his girlfriend so I SHOULD have sex with him. 
When I finally got up the strength to leave him he tried to guilt trip me. He was adopted so had abandonment issues. I was abandoning him too, just like his birth mum. 
I went back only once after I’d left to collect some important post. I still had a key and I’d assumed he was working. He wasn’t, he’d quit his job “because of me”. He grabbed me by my hair and shoved me face first into the stairs. I got carpet burns on my face. I tried to run and he grabbed me again and punched me. Screamed at me. Called me all sorts. I ran out of the house screaming and he came after me. A stranger took me into his house and called the police. A brick came through his window. The police said they would come to my flat the following day so this kind stranger took me home. 
When the police came three days later, they took pictures of my now almost healed face. Then they started interrogating me! The victim! They asked “But why did you go back to the house?” “Why did you stay with him for so long?” “What did you do that caused him to react violently?” One of the police officers was female. She gave me the hardest time! He wasn’t charged. He wasn’t even cautioned! I wanted a restraining order so he couldn’t come to my place of work but because I worked at his dad’s company I was told it would be impossible! They said I should quit my job. When he found out where I lived and showed up on my doorstep I was asked “How could he possibly find you unless you gave him your address?” It turns out he had stolen my personnel file from the office. I was told again I should consider quitting my job! 
His dad even had the audacity to offer me money to leave his son alone!!
We need to STOP questioning victims as if they “started it”. We need to stop expecting victims to act a certain way. We need to HELP those who have been abused and PUNISH the abuser. Society is fucked up if this is how we treat survivors of abuse! 
My ex was all sweetness and light out in public. People at my office adored him. Outside of our house we had a picture perfect relationship. 
You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors!
Here is something that may surprise you. A few years after he moved away from London he called me in tears. He was being accused of raping his new girlfriend. He swore he didn’t do it and begged me to help. I spoke to his then girlfriend and she admitted she was lying. I could have helped her get him into very serious trouble. Many people believed her. This could have been my chance to see him go to prison. What did I do? I showed the police her messages. He didn’t go to prison because that’s NOT how I believe justice should be served.

Tuesday, 3 May 2016

A breakdown of an article I came across about Borderline Personality Disorder and relationships

Ok, let's have a breakdown of this article. I'm feeling vehemently angry just from the introduction! 

Instable relationships (as in instability) are a characteristic of Borderline Personality Disorder.

What does an instable relationship actually look and feel like?

Instable relationships are a characteristic of Borderline Personality Disorder -- but what does an instable relationship actually look like? This article describes a common and very confusing failure pattern that evolves over time.

A common and very confusing failure pattern of relationship instabilty is described in this article. A relationship can present with this characteristic failure pattern over time. This pattern may take months or even years to evolve. The phases are typically not completely successive -- there is typically cycles of forward and backward movement between phases.

First of all, this article is so badly written that it hurts my brain to dissect it! Secondly, this writer is a therapist?! HOLY SHIT!! The third thing I immediately notice is unsurprisingly, the author is male. BPD is a disorder that predominantly affects women. You can't argue with statistics. However, his article has been written about women entirely. Poor form!  Finally before I delve into the hyperbole written here, Mr Melton has an MA and not an MSc. Frankly, that makes his take on BPD entirely unsurprising to me! (Yes I'm scoffing at his whimsical MA and point scoring - just my opinion. I'm not attacking anyone with an MA here, it's just unsurprising to see this kind of take on any mental health issue from a person with an MA.)

I am writing my response here using my personal experiences being both Borderline AND female, I think I have a little authority here. 

Love - the Vulnerable Seducer Phase:

At first, a Borderline female (or male) may appear sweet, shy, vulnerable and "ambivalently in neeof being rescued"; looking for her Knight in Shining Armor. In the beginning, you will feel a rapidly accelerating sense of compassion because she portrays herself as she "victim of love" and you are saving her. But listen closely to how she sees herself as a victim. As her emotions advances upon you, you will hear how no one understands her - except you. Other people have been "insensitive." She has been betrayed, just when she starts trusting people. But there is something "special" about you, because "you really seem to know her".
It is this intense way she has of bearing down on you emotionally that can feel very seductive. You will feel elevated, adored, idealized - almost worshiped, maybe even to the level of being uncomfortable -- and you will feel that way quickly. It may seem like a great deal has happened between the two of you in a short period of time as the conversation is intense, and her attention, and her eyes are always so deeply focused on you. Here is a woman who may look like a dream come true. She not only seems to make you the center of her attention, but she even craves listening to your opinions, thoughts and ideas. It will seem like you have really found your heart's desire.
Like many things that seems too good to be true, this is. This is borderline personality disorder idealization.
It will all seem so real because it is real in her mind. But what is happening is not what you perceive to be happening.

Personally, I AM shy.  People poke fun at me for saying this. It's true. I am painfully shy and incredibly socially awkward. This is not an act. Yes, I am vulnerable sometimes. However, I am not, I repeat NOT in need of rescuing. 

When I tell someone that no one understands me, it's true. Very few people understand me. Myself included sometimes! Borderline Personality Disorder is a very confusing illness to live with. I often have difficulties reading emotional signals from others and have once or twice misconstrued someone's caring feelings for love. 

I know I fall in love very quickly. I am happy to admit that and it rarely works out as planned but then, what does?! I have found more often than not, my "emotional bearing down" as Mr Melton calls it, causes prospective partners to flee in the opposite direction! 

I can fall very easily in and out of love. If a partner were to feel uncomfortable with my "intensity" then they should surely let me know! I am aware that I can be intense but if a partner allows that intensity to make them feel uncomfortable, who is really at fault here? 

If an individual's "heart's desire" is a partner who "... elevates, adores, idealises... Worships" them then frankly, Borderline Personality Disorder is the least of their worries! 

Love - the Clinger Phase 

Her intense interest in you will subtly transform over time. She still appears to be interested in you, but no longer in what you are interested in. Her interest becomes your exclusive interest in her. This is when you start to notice “something”. Your thoughts, feelings and ideas fascinate her, but more so when they focus on her. You can tell when this happens because you can feel her "perk-up" emotionally whenever your attention focuses upon her feelings and issues. Those moments can emotionally hook your compassion more deeply into her, because that is when she will treat you well - tenderly.
It’s often here that you begin to confuse your compassion with love, and you believe you're in love with her -- especially if your instinct is strong and rescuing is at the heart of your "code." Following that code results in the most common excuse I hear as a therapist, as to why many men stay with borderline women.

"But I love her!", you say.  Adult love is built on mutual interest, care and respect -- not codependency or rescuing. 

If like King Priam, you do fall prey to this Trojan Horse and let her inside your city gates, the first Berserker to leave the horse will be the devious Clinger. A master at strengthening her control through empathy, she is brilliant at eliciting sympathy and identifying those most likely to provide it-like the steady-tempered and tenderhearted.
The world ails her. Physical complaints are common. Her back hurts. Her head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts come and go like invisible, malignant companions. If you track their appearance, though, you may see a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of your attentions. Her complaints are ways of saying, "don't leave me. save me!", and her maladies are not simply physical -- her feelings ail her too.
She is depressed or anxious, detached and indifferent or vulnerable and hypersensitive. She can swing from elated agitation to mournful gloom at the blink of an eye. Watching the erratic changes in her moods is like tracking the needle on a Richter-scale chart at the site of an active volcano, and you never know which flick of the needle will predict the big explosion. But after every emotional Vesuvius she pleads for your mercy. And if she has imbedded her guilt-hooks deep enough into your conscientious nature, you will stay around and continue tracking this volcanic earthquake, caught in the illusion that you can discover how to stop Vesuvius before she blows again. But, in reality, staying around this cauldron of emotional unpredictability is pointless. Every effort to understand or help this type of woman is an excruciatingly pointless exercise in emotional rescue.
It is like you are a Coast Guard cutter and she is a drowning woman-- but she drowns in a peculiar way. Every time you pull her out of the turbulent sea, feed her warm tea and biscuits, wrap her in a comfy blanket and tell her everything is okay, she suddenly jumps overboard and starts pleading for help again. And, no matter how many times you rush to the emotional - rescue, she still keeps jumping back into trouble. It is this repeating, endlessly frustrating pattern which should confirm to you that you are involved with a Borderline Personality Disorder. No matter how effective you are at helping her, nothing is ever enough. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It's like pouring the best of your self into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger. And if you keep pouring it in long enough, one-day you'll fall right down that hole yourself. There will be nothing left of you but your own shadow, just as it falls through her predatory "event horizon." But before that happens, other signs will reveal her true colors.
Sex will be incredible. She will be instinctually tuned into reading your needs. It will seem wonderful -- for a while.
The intensity of her erotic passion can sweep you away. Intensity is her life.
But her intensity is double-edged. The other side of it comes from the instinctually built-in, turbulent emotionality of her disorder -- and an equally instinctually and concentrated need to control you. The sexual experiences, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate you, not please you. Her erotic intensity will be there in a cunning way tailored so you will not readily perceive it.

“I love you” means – “I need you to love me”. “That was the best ever for me” means – tell me “it was the best ever for you”. Show me that I have you.

If an individual's interest in a relationship is solely themself, again, Borderline Personality Disorder is not the issue here. 

As a human being (all mental health related issues aside) I find it incredibly difficult to feign interest in something. If I don't like it, I don't like it. It's that simple! I will always support a partner's interests and actively encourage them to pursue things that bring them happiness but I simply cannot pretend to be invested in something I'm not. I would much rather hurt someone with the truth than soothe them with a lie. I think that's actually a deplorable quality that human beings have! I'm not saying I won't become interested in something. Sometimes I will. However, I know my own mind and I know my likes and dislikes! I'm pretty sure this is not a trait of BPD! Furthermore, who doesn't perk up a little when a conversation is either about them or something they are interested in? Again, this is HUMAN NATURE! That being said, I am absolutely not a narrow minded individual and my interests are vast and varied. 

If an individual confuses compassion with love (as I have) then they are the problem. They clearly have difficulties in reading emotional signals and perhaps need to have a word with themselves. I am very honest and open about my feelings. If I am in love with a person, I will let them know. How they choose to respond to such information is entirely up to them. 

Being referred to as a "devious clinger" enrages me so much that I'm not even going to dignify it with a response! 

I am often ailed with "invisible, malignant companions". It is called FIBROMYALGIA and yes, my pain can often intensify when I am feeling depressed or anxious. Once again, I am a human being and all of these things are intricately linked! 

By referring to BPD sufferers as a "cauldron of emotional unpredictability" is so disgustingly offensive! BPD is an emotional instability. It just is and yes, that makes us unpredictable but we are still worthy of love! Yes, we will erupt like Vesuvius. It is unpleasant. For us, for our partner, for anyone unfortunate enough to witness this. However, this is how BPD manifests.  It is not a trick. It is not a ploy. It is not a tactic used to "imbed our guilt hooks" into an individual! If our partner were willing to work with us, together we could abate the volcano before it erupts. This is not manipulation but common fucking sense! If an individual wishes to embark upon a relationship with an emotionally unstable partner, the risk is upon both of them and the decent thing to do is to work together on handling the emotions and identifying triggers and recognising the moods and then tempering them. We do this together. AS A PARTNERSHIP!

This next part, I cannot even deal with it! " are involved with a Borderline Personality Disorder..." Are you fucking kidding me with this shit?! This is one of the most outrageous statements I have ever come across and the fact that it was written by a therapist makes my very skin crawl!! 

I will repeat again, we do not need help. We are not in distress. We do not need saving. We don't like being this way but we are not victims and if you will treat us that way, again, you are the problem! 

"The sexual experiences, while imposing, are motivated from a desire to dominate you, not please you." Are you fucking kidding me right now?! Again, this is NOT BPD that Mr Melton is referring to! 

Yes, my sexual relationships have very often been intense and, not blowing my own trumpet, but sex with me is fantastic. This is not because of some desire to control or manipulate my partner. This is because I know what gets me off sexually. I derive great pleasure from pleasuring my partner. I like to know exactly what turns them on and I like them to know exactly what turns me on. After all, what is the point of being sexually involved with someone otherwise?! 

"I love you" means just that. It does not mean "I need you to love me". We all like to be loved. Of course we do but I don't NEED that. It is nice to love and be loved. That is all. 

"That was the best ever for me" means exactly that. If it was the best ever for them too it's nice to hear it but I am not begging for their affection or adoration. 

Love - the Hater Phase

Once a Borderline Controller has succeeded and is in control, the Hater appears. This hateful part of her may have emerged before, but you probably will not see it in full, acidic bloom until she feels she has achieved a firm hold on your conscience and compassion -- but when that part makes its first appearance, rage is how it breaks into your life.
What gives this rage its characteristically borderline flavor is that it is very difficult for someone witnessing it to know what triggered it in reality. But that is its primary identifying clue: the actual rage-trigger is difficult for you to see. But in the Borderline's mind it always seems to be very clear. To her, there is always a cause. And the cause is always you. Whether it is the tone of your voice, how you think, how you feel, dress, move or breathe - or "the way you're looking at me," - she will always justify her rage by blaming you for "having to hurt her."
Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected. They happen when you least expect it. And they can become extremely dangerous. It all serves to break you down over time. Your self esteem melts away. You change and alter your behavior in hopes of returning to the “Clinger Stage”. And periodically you will, but only to cycle back to the hater when you least expect it, possibly on her birthday, or your anniversary.
Instable relationships are a hallmark of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Again, this entire section does not read like someone with BDP. This is Gaslighting. A term I suggest Mr Melton becomes familiar with! 

"Rage reactions are also unpredictable and unexpected." Well, yes! This is the nature of rage! Dur! 

Again, I cannot even dignify the rest of this paragraph with a response as it is so disgustingly written! 

I suggest that Mr Melton seriously reconsiders his career choice! 

Most of what is written here is NOT directly and exclusively related to Borderline Personality Disorder. There is a lot of narcissism involved here and predominantly Gaslighting. 

This article has portrayed women with BPD as dangerous predators who will sink their "guilt hooks" into a man and destroy them from the inside out. This is a dangerous and incredibly stigmatising view on Borderline Personality Disorder and I am incredibly enraged by it. 

Yes, individuals with BPD (NOT "a borderline personality" thank you very much you heinous excuse for a human being!) are emotionally unstable. Yes, individuals with BPD are statistically more likely to be women. However, we are NOT all as this article describes. We are very loving, caring individuals who want to essentially heal the world! We feel all of our emotions intensely and want to do anything to prevent anyone feeling the pain and turmoil we feel on a daily basis. We already feel unworthy of the love we are given. Be that in a relationship of a sexual nature or a relationship with a friend and this article only serves to make us feel much fucking worse about ourselves so thank you very much Mr Melton you absolute cuntbucket! 

Ps - this is how you write a gender neutral article you misogynistic twunt!

Wednesday, 13 April 2016


I have to say, I agree with Stephen Fry here. 

He is in no way telling victims of abuse to "get over it". That is such a gross misrepresentation of his words. Having trigger warnings and "safe spaces" absolutely ARE necessary but they absolutely do NOT belong in the mainstream. We are becoming a nation of hand holding crybabies. 

Ok, I don't agree with his "stop watching super hero movies" bit but we need to stand up and take responsibility for ourselves. Discussions about rape, murder and child abuse are incredibly important. 
Discussions of ALL taboo subjects are imperative for us to grow as a society. We need to understand these issues and in order to understand they must be vigorously discussed. 

Too many people these days have knee jerk reactions. Especially where children are concerned. I work with children and believe me, if anyone were to hurt one of my charges in my presence I would tear them apart but we must have these discussions and have them loudly. 

Should a child abuser get away with their crimes? No but we shouldn't "hang them" or "castrate them". They must become specimens that we can study to figure out why they committed such crimes and prevent them from happening again. 

I fear for future generations.

Tuesday, 29 March 2016

Bullshit from The LAD Bible

So this was shared by The LAD Bible


You have no idea what an individual might be struggling with. Just because someone is "famous" doesn't make them fair game. So Wentworth Millergained a few pounds. Why did no one stop and say "hang on, that's not Wentworth's usual look, something might be wrong".

If you have ever been to the very edge you know what it's like. The world can be a cruel and ugly place. Especially if you're "too fat" your skin isn't a "desirable colour" you're not "tall enough" and so on. If eating gave Wentworth the power to survive then where is the problem huh? 

Someone I knew growing up very recently lost her battle with depression and a few people I spoke to about it said she "seemed fine yesterday". I seem fine most days yet I am constantly fighting a battle with things worse than demons. I have used drugs, food, self harm, sex and most recently copious amounts of alcohol to try and silence the voices in my head to absolutely no avail. I am currently seeking another outlet in order to not only survive but to LIVE! 

On Sunday I had a body cast done by a very good friend. I had a lot of fun and really enjoyed seeing the results. However, when I posted the pictures here on Facebook, it started. First there was speculation - what is OddSocks up to now? Maybe this, maybe that? Those comments didn't hurt as such. I simply found myself wondering why it was anyone's business. Then things took a disturbing turn via my inbox. I was called "disgusting". I was told I should "be ashamed" of myself. I was called "selfish for forcing my Facebook friends to see my fat, ugly body" and more...

My body belongs to me. No one else. It's mine. I own it. I will do with it as I please! Sometimes I look in the mirror and feel a part of me die inside. Most of the time I hate my body. Not least because - to me - it is fat. My body doesn't work properly. Hyper Mobility Syndrome means things bend the wrong way. Fibromyalgia means that EVERYTHING hurts - all the damn time. My self harm scars elicit snide remarks. Even my tattoos attract negetive comments - typically, I'm falsely accused of being a "benefits scrounging single mum who pays for her tattoos with "our taxes". It would have laughable were it not for those already open wounds inside me. 

I've just realsed that I've totally taken someone's issue and made it about me which wasn't my intention. All I really wanted to say is;


What Wentworth Miller had to say about this post:

Today I found myself the subject of an Internet meme. Not for the first time. 

This one, however, stands out from the rest.

In 2010, semi-retired from acting, I was keeping a low-profile for a number of reasons. 

First and foremost, I was suicidal. 

This is a subject I've since written about, spoken about, shared about. 

But at the time I suffered in silence. As so many do. The extent of my struggle known to very, very few. 
Ashamed and in pain, I considered myself damaged goods. And the voices in my head urged me down the path to self-destruction. Not for the first time.

I've struggled with depression since childhood. It's a battle that's cost me time, opportunities, relationships, and a thousand sleepless nights.

In 2010, at the lowest point in my adult life, I was looking everywhere for relief/comfort/distraction. And I turned to food. It could have been anything. Drugs. Alcohol. Sex. But eating became the one thing I could look forward to. Count on to get me through. There were stretches when the highlight of my week was a favorite meal and a new episode of TOP CHEF. Sometimes that was enough. Had to be.

And I put on weight. Big f--king deal.

One day, out for a hike in Los Angeles with a friend, we crossed paths with a film crew shooting a reality show. Unbeknownst to me, paparazzi were circling. They took my picture, and the photos were published alongside images of me from another time in my career. "Hunk To Chunk." "Fit To Flab." Etc.

My mother has one of those "friends" who's always the first to bring you bad news. They clipped one of these articles from a popular national magazine and mailed it to her. She called me, concerned.
In 2010, fighting for my mental health, it was the last thing I needed.

Long story short, I survived.

So do those pictures.

I'm glad.

Now, when I see that image of me in my red t-shirt, a rare smile on my face, I am reminded of my struggle. My endurance and my perseverance in the face of all kinds of demons. Some within. Some without. 

Like a dandelion up through the pavement, I persist. 

Anyway. Still. Despite.

The first time I saw this meme pop up in my social media feed, I have to admit, it hurt to breathe. But as with everything in life, I get to assign meaning. And the meaning I assign to this/my image is Strength. Healing. Forgiveness. 

Of myself and others.

If you or someone you know is struggling, help is available. Reach out. Text. Send an email. Pick up the phone. Someone cares. They're waiting to hear from you. Much love. - W.M.