I’ve been a victim of domestic abuse. You have no idea what it is like until you have been there!
Every morning I would put on my smiling mask and go to work as if nothing happened. As the clock ticked towards finish time the mask would start to slip. I became anxious. I felt sick. Standing at the train station for my commute home I prayed for late/cancelled trains.
At Clapham Junction I’d consider jumping in front of the next high speed train passing through. When I got home I’d go straight to my room hoping he didn’t see me. Hoping I didn’t piss him off.
When he hit me he would tell me it was my fault for provoking him and I believed him. When he raped me he would tell me that I was his girlfriend so I SHOULD have sex with him.
When I finally got up the strength to leave him he tried to guilt trip me. He was adopted so had abandonment issues. I was abandoning him too, just like his birth mum.
I went back only once after I’d left to collect some important post. I still had a key and I’d assumed he was working. He wasn’t, he’d quit his job “because of me”. He grabbed me by my hair and shoved me face first into the stairs. I got carpet burns on my face. I tried to run and he grabbed me again and punched me. Screamed at me. Called me all sorts. I ran out of the house screaming and he came after me. A stranger took me into his house and called the police. A brick came through his window. The police said they would come to my flat the following day so this kind stranger took me home.
When the police came three days later, they took pictures of my now almost healed face. Then they started interrogating me! The victim! They asked “But why did you go back to the house?” “Why did you stay with him for so long?” “What did you do that caused him to react violently?” One of the police officers was female. She gave me the hardest time! He wasn’t charged. He wasn’t even cautioned! I wanted a restraining order so he couldn’t come to my place of work but because I worked at his dad’s company I was told it would be impossible! They said I should quit my job. When he found out where I lived and showed up on my doorstep I was asked “How could he possibly find you unless you gave him your address?” It turns out he had stolen my personnel file from the office. I was told again I should consider quitting my job!
His dad even had the audacity to offer me money to leave his son alone!!
We need to STOP questioning victims as if they “started it”. We need to stop expecting victims to act a certain way. We need to HELP those who have been abused and PUNISH the abuser. Society is fucked up if this is how we treat survivors of abuse!
My ex was all sweetness and light out in public. People at my office adored him. Outside of our house we had a picture perfect relationship.
You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors!
Here is something that may surprise you. A few years after he moved away from London he called me in tears. He was being accused of raping his new girlfriend. He swore he didn’t do it and begged me to help. I spoke to his then girlfriend and she admitted she was lying. I could have helped her get him into very serious trouble. Many people believed her. This could have been my chance to see him go to prison. What did I do? I showed the police her messages. He didn’t go to prison because that’s NOT how I believe justice should be served.