Friday, 11 August 2017

Is this the real life?

It has been three years since my all time favourite clown left us. In that time, we have seen many other celebrities open up about their struggles. Some have been applauded whilst others have been torn to shreds.

Trigger warning - suicide\rape

➡ 1 in 4 of us will suffer depression in our lifetime.
➡ Suicide rates in UK females are the highest they have been in a decade.
➡ Suicide rates in the UK have increased by 3.8% since 2014.
➡ Suicide is the biggest killer of men under 50 in the UK.

➡ Approximately 85,000 women and 12,000 men are raped in England and Wales alone every year; that's roughly 11 rapes (of adults alone) every hour.
➡ Nearly half a million adults are sexually assaulted in England and Wales each year.
➡ 1 in 5 women aged 16 - 59 has experienced some form of sexual violence since the age of 16.
➡ Only around 15% of those who experience sexual violence choose to report to the police
➡ Approximately 90% of those who are raped know the perpetrator prior to the offence.
➡ A third of people believe women who flirt are partially responsible for being raped
➡ Conviction rates for rape are far lower than other crimes, with only 5.7% of reported rape cases ending in a conviction for the perpetrator.

I have tried being more vocal about my mental health and struggles only to be shut down with questions like:

"Do you really think people need to hear that you think about suicide so often?" Actually, yes. I think it is imperative that those who claim to love me know this about me. In great detail.

"Do you have to talk about mental health so much?" Yes. Yes I do. Because mental illness is a daily struggle for myself and millions of others. If I can empower just one other person to be ok with not being ok then it is a job well done.

"Why do you keep telling people you were raped? That's private." IS IT? IS IT REALLY?! You're actually wrong. Sex and intimacy are private. Between consenting adults. Rape is a crime. Keeping silent skews the statistics. Keeping silent keeps me a victim. Keeping silent exacerbates my pain. That is not worth it. Not even for the comfort of those I love the most. I would rather you feel uncomfortable than I suffer in silence.

"It makes me/others feel uncomfortable to see these posts. Could you maybe change your settings so I don't have to see them?" FUCK NO! Not a fucking chance! I will provide trigger warnings where necessary but I will not customise my news feed to shield you from the reality of my world. If you don't like it, unfriend me!

I am an addict.
I am a rape survivor.
I am a domestic abuse survivor.
I have pretty severe physical disabilities.
I have pretty severe psychological illnesses

This is my reality. This is the reality for millions of us. I helped save the life of at least one person thanks to the existence pf a mental health group. I have saved the lives of others by talking openly about my struggles. Every day that I am alive I am saving my own life. This is my reality.

If that bothers you, go fuck yourself!

"No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world."

Tuesday, 18 July 2017


Sometimes affirmations are helpful to me, other times not so much. At the moment I am really struggling thought and seeing something positive will sometimes lift my spirits if only a little bit.

I have a life coach who is truly magnificent in so many ways and she uses positive affirmations daily and encourages others to do so. I already had a poster on the back of my door to my flat (So I see it evert time I leave) with little notes from friends who have been to my flat. Although, because I'm not so good at letting too many people into my sanctuary I don't have many... but they are on ADORABLE heart shaped post-its (Stationery Nerd Alert!). Anyway, I lost my thread thinking about stationery...! With the encouragement of my life coach I now have other messages posted around my sanctuary in prominent places such as on my bathroom mirror, above light switches, on my front door  handle and a badass message on my whiteboard on my kitchen cupboard!

I have decided to add a collection of affirmations below along with a link directly to the image. Copy this link and paste it into the "Homepage" box on your web browser settings and when you open up your web browser, your affirmation will be on the screen. You can also add the link to new tabs and new windows in your browser settings.  (A quick Google search will tell you how to access your browser settings.)

I will add more to this list as and when. If you have any custom artwork that might help others, please do drop me an email with an image and the link. Please note that links will be checked before being shared to the best of my ability however The Bipolar Kid cannot accept responsibility for content found on others' websites.










If any of these images belong to someone and they have not been correctly credited, please do drop me a note in the comments section. I will try my best to use royalty free images or credit the owner of the imaged.

Monday, 22 May 2017

Trigger warning: Suicide

There are many lists floating around the internet of signs to look out for to help prevent suicide. There are also many lists telling you what you can do. The truth of the matter is, there often aren't any signs. How many articles have you read about a person who died by suicide that include the phrase "we had no idea they were struggling"?

Suicide does not come with a warning sign. People contemplating suicide often won't talk about it. In fact, they may appear to be the happiest person you know. 

Furthermore, you are NOT obliged to help someone in distress. I have spoken at length about this because it needs to be said. You are not responsible for anyone's life but your own and your offspring. There is no "right thing" to do. I hear it all the time, people saying "If only I had checked in more often..." or "I should have invited them out..." etc. People with mental health issues are experts at hiding their struggles. They have to be. I know that this may be a difficult pill to swallow but suicide is often not planned, it can be spontaneous and sometimes accidental. 

Just over a year ago, someone I went to school with completed suicide. She had struggled with her mental health and she had been failed by the system. She had been hospitalised on numerous occasions having attempted to complete suicide and she was not given the care she so desperately needed.

If you really want to help prevent deaths by suicide, contact your local MPs. Demand to know what they are doing to increase support for vulnerable people. If you get nothing from your local MP, take it further. Write to the prime minister herself, the address is freely available on the internet. Volunteer for mental health charities. Funding is being reduced left, right and centre and volunteer run services are struggling.

If someone close to you does die by suicide, it is important that you do not shoulder the blame.

If you wish to share this, please do so.

Sunday, 14 May 2017

Here comes Ranty McRantFace

Here comes Ranty McRantFace...

Boat moving has been exhausting today. I've been the lock keeper through 11 locks and the sun has been beaming down on us. Of course, some people love the sun. I hate it! When we got to about lock number 8 I laid on the grass because my back was hurting (yay fibro) and I was exhausted. A passer by remarked how it was a "nice day for it". I told him I preferred the rain and his response was "Ha, well it takes all sorts!" I was really fucking angry at this remark but too exhausted to reply.

People are constantly telling me how "lucky" I am that I don't feel the cold. They also (bizarrely) tell me that I make them feel cold when I don't wear a coat.

Let me tell you a little something about me;

I have a defective hypothalamus. The hypothalamus is in charge of maintaining homeostasis throughout the body. In other words, it is responsible for regulating a lot of functions in the body. One of the functions it is supposed to maintain is body temperature.  Because my hypothalamus doesn't work properly, I cannot naturally regulate my body temperature and so my body is constantly stuck on saharan desert! As soon as the mercury goes above 11° my body stops functioning properly. I sweat profusely which means I'm constantly dehydrated, always have headaches and am typically VERY cranky.

I know that not many people know that about me and that is why I'm putting this out there. However, there is no need to denigrate someome if they don't fit within your ideals.

Just think before you speak!

If you have any questions, just ask, I don't bite.


Friday, 7 April 2017

World Health Day

Today marks World Health Day.

According to the World Health Organisation, depression is now the leading cause of illness and disability worldwide.  This fact does not shock me in the slightest.  However, according to a study conducted in the Eastern part of Germany, despite an increase in mental health literacy amongst the general public, they still prefer to distance themselves from people with major depression and schizophrenia. Education is key!

Theresa May announced that there would be mental health support in our schools, workplaces and communities. However, this is not the first time the government has made promises to improve education and support.

Over 90% of individuals who complete suicide had diagnosed mental health issues. There is not enough being done to help those who are struggling.  Suicide is the second largest cause of death in 15-29 year olds.

According to Disability News Service, more than 220 member groups of mental health networks have closed in two years. These groups are user led and volunteer run.

Very soon, the mental health centre in Stoke Newington will be closing due to extortionate rent hikes.  Patients and GPs had not been made aware of this.

£800m that was set aside to assist NHS mental health services has allegedly been sacrificed in order to "balance the books" of the NHS.

The NHS is still struggling to improve services available to youngsters.

In Canada, 85% of homeless youths are struggling with mental health issues.

Globally, mental health is given lower priority and fewer resources compared to physical health.

75 million people in India suffer from mental health issues yet the psychiatrist to patient ratio is 1:343,000.

Benefits assessors are being told to discriminate against those suffering with mental health issues.

People are talking more about mental health which is wonderful. However, with the stigma still attached and the lack of funding around the world, this global epidemic does not look set to change for a very long time.

How can you help?

Mind lists a number of resources available for those supporting someone with a mental health issue.

Educate yourself on mental health issues. Don't bother with sensationalist media. Read journal articles. There are many available for free online. Read personal blogs. Join groups on Facebook.

Become an ally.

Stop the stigma.

Raise your voice out loud. Petition your government. Lend an ear to someone in need.

If we stop fighting, things will only get worse. Now is the time to stand up and be counted.

Tuesday, 4 April 2017

Survivor Shaming (Victim Blaming) CONTENT WARNING

I read an article today in the Metro pertaining to a survivor of the Rotherham Sex Gangs and her son. As I often do, I decided to also read the comments (WHY DO I DO THIS?!) and engaged in a conversation with one particular commenter.

Below you will see the conversation. I have redacted names and comments from others.

THEM: She was in love with him? WTF?
It's all wrong but political correctness lead by the Labour Gov't extended the abuse by these gangs long after it should have ended.
At 14/15 I would hope that most girls could distinguish between love and abuse.
She aborted once but then got pregnant soon after then admits she thought they were in LOVE?
That says it all.

ME: If you have never been in that position you have no idea what it is like!

THEM: That's true but that's my opinion. Also the critique about the Labour Gov't is fact as the inquiry showed.
When I was that age I was studying for my O Grades and working straight after school every night as were my sisters. We had no time for that.

ME: I didn't disagree about the government involvement/corruption but your opinion on how she ought to have realised it wasn't love is incredibly damaging to survivors of this kind of abuse.

THEM: I don't see it as damaging if other young girls realise that grooming isn't love if they see this discussion here or somewhere else and it makes sense.
I'm not blaming the victims for this, I'm highlighting that fact that they believed that grooming was love and continued abusive relationships like this.I wonder how much of her reasoning is based on the need to ameliorate the circumstances under which the son was born to make him (son) and herself feel better.

ME: She was a child! You say you are not victim blaming yet you are also suggesting that she should have known better. As a survivor of abuse, I know first hand how abusers can grind you down. It isn't easy for a person to see outside of their own situation in cases like these. Your thoughts are not your own. No person willingly enters into an abusive relationship.

THEM: She should have been warned about the grooming gangs by her parents. From what I've learned from the inquiry many parents of victims tried to warn their kids but couldn't stop them going out and getting abused. How much was due to child like innocence and how much due to stupidity?

ME: Or rather how much was due do dangerous and manipulative individuals?

THEM: I would guess if all these girls were at home studying and watching tv then none of this would have taken place on the scale it did. As a father of a daughter the same age I can guarantee she will never be groomed or fall into an abusive relationship. I warned her from an early age the dangers of grooming. She has told me of every incidence of paedophiles and other idiots approaching her on social media and real life and I've reported them to CEOP and the Met.

ME: I was abused as a young teen and then got involved in an abusive relationship as a young adult. Is that my own fault? I am above average in intellect and by your logic you would think having been through it once I would be able to avoid it again in the future right? Abusers don't wear signs. They look the same as everyone else. They manipulate a person into believing their lies. I suggest you look up gaslighting. As I said earlier, until you have been through it, you have no idea.

THEM: I will reply to this when I get back in the house.


THEM: I am very aware of the results of sexual, physical and mental abuse. I have dealt with the fallout of abuse of close friends and family and none of them described it as love which is the point I was making. Just because you suffered during your younger years doesn't mean that you have to keep reliving that life and keep suffering.

ME: Second hand knowledge is no where near the same as first hand experience.
I was too young in the first instance to realise what my abuser was doing and how wrong it was. He had me convinced that if I told anyone then I would be blamed.
In the second instance, I truly was in love with my abuser. I believed him every time he said he wouldn't do it again. My heart broke every time he wept an apology. I wanted to believe that he wouldn't do it again. Every time. For two years.
Predators are unlike "ordinary" people. They live to manipulate and control and they are very good at it.

THEM: I get what you're saying, I do. I was told by a psychiatrist that people who've suffered that kind of abuse shouldn't tell their loved ones about it, by that I mean new partners and new friends because they can't help change the past and it leads to breakdowns in relationships and that's what I tell my close friends that have been through it. You owe it to yourself to learn from it and control the hurt it's caused and live a better life. That could mean steering your kids and friends away from the same malevolent people and behaviour. That's not meant to be patronising but I can't say it any other way. I feel sad for this lady in the story and I wasn't intentionally insulting her.

ME: I'm not sure who this psychiatrist was but they are incredibly wrong and probably ought to not be practicing! Talking about these sorts of things help to raise awareness.
I talk about my own abusive past in an attempt to help other survivors know that they are not alone. 

When you say "they can't help change the past" I don't get what you mean by that. The past is gone and can never be changed. Telling new friends/partners about my own abuse has never lead to a breakdown of the relationship.

Of course you ought to learn from past mistakes but as I stated earlier, predators are unlike "ordinary" people. They appear to be like everyone else on the outside and sometimes it can take many years to realise what they are doing/have done. You can educate as much as you like but these people can subvert even the most intelligent individuals. I know this because it has happened to me.
I had no doubt that you were not intentionally insulting this lady but words cause more damage than the intent behind them. You can do aboslutely everything in your power to protect those you love but sometimes it's just not enough. Sometimes the predators are simply too smart.

Victim blaming (or as I prefer to call it, survivor shaming) is absolutely everywhere. Practially all rape/abuse cases are reported with a sort of bias towards the survivor. What were they wearing? How much did they drink? What did they do to provoke it? etc. I'm sure you've seen it in the media. It happens too in the courtrooms.
As decent human beings, we ought to do our best to not shame the survivor. Sometimes that means we have to be really careful with the words that we use. I'm not at all having a go, just giving you the facts as a survivor of more than one incident. 

I will add to this if any more is said.

This is classic survivor shaming (victim blaming). I wanted to break down his responses and highlight exactly how he is survivor shaming but I just don't have enough spoons!
This person doesn't see their comments as damaging. Of course not. It's so much easier to blame the survivor. Why? 

Survivor shaming is not unique to rape survivors. Those who are bullied are questioned. People living in poverty are seen as lazy good-for-nothings. People with mental health issues are often blamed for having bad lifestyle choices (drunk/drugs etc). The list goes on. People even blame themselves when shit things happen to them!  

It's easy to blame the survivor for inviting these things into their own lives. If they truly were innocent then that means that BAD things happen to GOOD people and that just doesn't happen right RIGHT?? 

This is one of the reasons I struggle with "self help" stuff and NLP. These types of things often out the onus of the struggles onto the individual. I'm sure you've heard before "You get out what you put in" or "The universe can only return what you send out". This kind of thinking is also dangerous and destructive! 

The world can be an unsafe place, it is for many. It can also be unjust. I consider myself to be a good person. I've had many people tell me that they think I'm selfless or I do amazing things for those less fortunate than I. 

If the universe returned what I had sent out then surely by now I'm due some real good fortune? Instead I'm trying my damnedest to keep my head above water.

I don't think that the universe is out to get me. I know that I'm probably a bit too sensitive. I see a lot more than your average individual. Being so open leaves me open to the bad things as well as the good. 

People often say that one person can't change the world. They're wrong. One person could inspire someone else who in turn could inspire 10 more people and so on.
Instead of blaming people for the situation that they are in, why not see how you can help them change that situation?

One by one we can all change the world!

Sunday, 2 April 2017

Mind your language - CONTENT WARNING

I often feel an incessant need to correct people. It's almost like a tic. It comes out of my mouth without it being processed in my brain. I don't ever intend to demean a person when making a correction- I merely aim to educate.  There are better ways to do so, this blog for example, but I literally cannot stop myself.

There is a correction that I would urge people to make for the sake of others (potentially even themselves)

When referring to an individual who has been raped, please refrain from using the word "victim" as it can be very damaging.

Having been through such traumas at a rather young age and again as a young adult and more recently, I have personally come to find the term "victim" demeaning and oppressive. It's pitiful and tragic. As a person in general, I am neither of these things but that word made me feel all of them and worse. Victim is so finite.

As a young adult, I considered myself a rape "victim" and couldn't process my thoughts and feelings. I felt so small and insignificant and almost as if I had a sign above my head saying "rape victim".

Once I started using the term rape "survivor", I noticed a change in how I perceived myself and it truly helped my recovery. I have never got over being raped but it hurt a lot less until the most recent incident. The term survivor is empowering. It is uplifting. It gives us control!

Because of the uncertainty as to whether or not my most recent trauma was rape or consensual sex, I am unable to move beyond the incident and now that word "victim" is back to haunt me.

This is not much to ask of people really. I know that changing every day terminology is difficult, however, if you pay close attention to people who have been through this trauma, you will see the difference in their reaction to "victim" versus "survivor". I wouldn't encourage you to "test" this theory unless you have a high level of trust from the survivor although you could exchange the trauma and interchange the word victim with survivor and notice a reaction from someone entirely removed from the situation.

Words affect us all on an unconscious level. We don't even realise it until we change these words.

Survivor implies strength. It may not be felt by the individual but it sure will help.

Please note, there are individuals who will not consider themselves a survivor for many reasons. In this instance, you can offer the term survivor in a context relevant to the moment but it is not a word you should press on an individual especially if they are not ready. When in a neutral environment discussing rape, try to make a conscious effort to use the term survivor. Point out the word "victim" in a news article and let people know why they ought to change their words too. I imagine your level of tact to be somewhat greater than my own!! Those with lived experience of this kind of trauma, or indeed any trauma, may refer to themselves as they wish. As an outsider, you do not have that right.

Words matter.

Update 18 July 2017

I have recently launched a petition to encourage the media to refrain from using the term "victim". I would be grateful for signatures and shares.

For a visual representation of the differences between "Rape Victim" and "Rape Survivor" I have taken a screen grab of the Google Images search results for each phrase. See below.

Rape Victim

Rape Survivor

Thursday, 30 March 2017

World Bipolar Day 2017


Before writing this blog, I wrote a post for Facebook, you can view it here.

Since starting this blog, it has been important to me to write honest accounts of my own lived experiences with mental health issues. You can find a whole slew of articles from the psychiatric world about what bipolar disorder is and how it is said to affect the brain.  Of course, medical journals should not be discounted. They are important and serve a function in the larger picture of psychological wellness. However, they are not entirely accurate should not be taken as the final word on any mental health issue.

If I were to ask you to describe the taste of a pear to me, would you be able to do so? You could probably make a good go of it but imagine describing the taste of a pear to an extra terrestrial being. One who has never seen or even hear of a pear. One who has different sensory processes than ours. One with tastebuds in their fingertips and eyes on their tongue.

Sounds pretty complex no? It is much the same when one is asked to talk about mental health issues.

I have read an inordinate amount of information about mental health issues, psychological development, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, medication, therapy etc etc. I figure that knowledge is power. Forewarned is forearmed right? I read a memoir penned by Andy Behrman that was an absolute rollercoaster from start to finish. Does it help? Maybe a little. However, we are all different. We come from different parts of the world. Have different coloured skin, hair, eyes. Tend towards different sexual predilections. Enjoy different recreational activities. Have different family units. Process things in completely unique ways. This applies to everyone, no matter what.

What is it like for me, The Bipolar Kid, to live with bipolar disorder?

Truthfully, I don't actually know. You see, I have Bipolar Disorder. I also have Borderline Personality Disorder, Insomnia, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder... those are just the (diagnosed) psychological issues! There are unresolved psychological issues, addiction issues, physiological issues, moral issues, ethical issues...  and so on! 

So, what is living with all of that like? Well... It's absolutely fucking soul destroying. It's heartbreaking. It's debilitating. It's glorious. It's magnificent. It's hilarious. It's dangerous. It's thrilling.
It is all of the above and more besides.

Is there a "typical day" that I could describe for you? Actually, no. I don't know what a typical day feels like because I don't know what is "normal". I have never known normal. I couldn't even really describe to you a "good day". Not in a way that you would comprehend.

Every day I have to lie. To myself. To my boyfriend. To my friends. To my employers. To the general public. It's exhausting. I can't let them see my pain. My suffering. It's really not fair on them. They may pity me, offer well meaning advice, become standoffish, afraid, concerned. I don't want to do that to anyone. 

I don't lie to hurt people. I lie to protect myself. I know how general society perceives people like me. Heck, I've shared similar notions in the past. 

Being honest about my mental health has cost me friends. It has cost me family members. It COULD cost me my career and even my life.

I do me in the best way I know how. Some days I get it wrong. So incredibly wrong. But most days I get it just about right. Enough to convince everyone around me that I have my life together. 

There isn't really a "day in the life of an individual with bipolar disorder". There is no "typical" bipolar day. You will find posts on BuzzFeed about "What it's actually like to live with bipolar disorder". You will find lists that proclaim "Absolutely everything you need to know about Bipolar Disorder". HealthLine shares "25 things only someone with Bipolar Disorder would understand". There are even articles that claim there are things that people with Bipolar Disorder don't want you to know!

Instead of trying to understand, just accept. Know that I do the absolute best I can at any given moment. Sometimes that means waking up. Sometimes that means woking 60+ hours a week with a smile on my face. Sometimes that means surviving from one moment to the next. Know that other people do the same too, just in their own unique way.

We can't be fixed - we don't want to be fixed. We don't need to be saved. We aren't a charity case. We are human beings. Just like every other human being on the planet. Our brains are just wired differently. Just like yours! 

All you can really do for someone like me is be there. 

Saturday, 25 March 2017


There is a post doing the rounds on Facebook at the moment and I want to talk about it.

Talking about suicide is helpful, it is useful, it is absolutely necessary. This post is neither of those things.

I didn't want to share the actual post but without it, I won't be able to properly break it down and explain why it's so dangerous to share messages of this nature. My annotations to this post are in red. Clickable links are in blue.


Wanna kill yourself? 

First of all, suicidal people don't WANT to kill themselves. It's not about wanting. It's also not about killing oneself. In 2015 I wrote a post about Suicidal Ideation. It talks about my preoccupation with thoughts of suicide. When a person considers suicide, they will have thought about all of the outcomes. They will have spent time thinking about what their actions will do to others. They will have thought about how people will react. The butterfly effect if you will. This is not something people just do on a whim. Anyone who has reached that point will have exhausted all other options known to them. They may not be all of the options known to YOU but this isn't about you. This is about them! This is about their desperate NEED to end their own suffering. People who are feeling this way know that their behaviour is affecting others and the only way they can see to stop that is to complete suicide.

Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you’ve written and rewritten over and over and over You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. 

A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.” Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying.  

This! Is any this actually fucking necessary? If you think that sharing a graphic description of someone taking completing suicide then you would be very wrong! This is dangerous and has the potential to push a person over the edge! There is absolutely NO circumstances that would make this ok. None whatsoever!  It is irresponsible and reckless! 

The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out. It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone’s crying, your little brother still doesn’t know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him. Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn’t stop for days. This paragraph is just as bad as the one before it! Do you really want to burden a suicidal individual with all of this guilt? This is also reckless and irresponsible! 

It’s two years later. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn’t know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried…your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide. Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mom got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day. Oh look, more guilt! Gee, that's going to make a suicidal person feel better... NOT! 

People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just affect you. They affect everyone. Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. I’m here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are. Even if we’ve NEVER talked before, I’m here for you. DO NOT Copy and paste this as your status to show people there are people out there that care.let's see who actually read all of it.
For anyone that feels this way

This entire post is just so god damn irresponsible that I can't believe people are actively sharing it and thinking it will help. I wish I knew who the originator of the post was so I could give them a slap! 

If you want to help people, be there for them. Send them a message every now and then, just say "hey". It doesn't need to be any more complicated than that. Even if the person doesn't open up about how they're feeling, the will know that you are there for them.

All this post does is make suicide about everyone else and lays the burden of guilt solely at the feet of the individual suffering. How is that even slightly helpful?! 


A suicidal individual doesn't need a graphic description, they don't need to know how their death will impact on everyone else. They need a shoulder to cry on. They need an ear to listen. They need a friend who won't tell them to pull themselves together.

Tell me, if I came to you right now and told you I was suicidal, what would you say to me? Would you tell me how my suicide is going to impact everyone else? Is that how you save a life? Well, more fool you because this kind of post is likely to cause more harm than good. Take it from someone who knows! 

If you REALLY want to help people share this:

Direct them to Sane Textcare

Download this booklet from Mind

For men specifically, go to CALM 

For students, go to Students Against Depression

Direct young people to Papyrus

Share this blog

The NHS also has a website with a whole load of links. I've done most of the legwork for you! 

Do anything other than share THAT post because believe me, the only thing that post will do is add fuel to the fire. 

All it takes is a quick Google search of suicide support to find a wealth of useful information for those in need. 

Think before you share! 

Saturday, 4 March 2017


Here is the deal guys.

I am manic as f**k! So manic that I am feeling my usual invincibility.

However, contrary to every single manic episode I have had up to this point (last year I had quite a few!) I have been in the grip of sheer terror! When I feel myself going into a manic phase, I don't stop myself because I know that I need to let things progress naturally otherwise things become compressed and it expands and BLAM! EXPLOSION!!

I am feeling, for no apparent reason, absolute joy, bliss, happiness, pleasure and other things I have no recognition off but I like how they feel!! My head feels clear and calm. My hands are rather shaky which is unusual I suppose but there is an underlying fear of experiencing things with which I am not familiar!

I feel like I am having an existential crisis right now. This is something I have experienced countless times. Why am I here, what am doing with my life, would the world really notice if I'm gone? I'm sure those of you who are familiar with my blog will have seen my crisis of self - there may have been more than one, right now I have no idea! 

I put up a post on Facebook and wanted to share it here too because sharing is caring I suppose! 

Rawr! My mania is now manifesting into a compulsion to connect with people. Typically, people terrify me but I think that the stark difference between Thursday night and early hours Saturday morning has got my head in a spin. I have felt more lonely, sad, depressed, worthless and all those negative things in the past few weeks than I remember ever feeling in my whole life. 
Right now though, through chemical alterations in my crazy mixed up brain I am feeling the desire to connect with people. Whether we know each other IRL or only via here, if you need someone for anything, I'm here and I want to help. Via messages, phone, webcam or in person, I am offering myself to you who see this message. 
Someone saved my life on Friday night and gosh darn it if that is not an opportunity to PAY IT FORWARD!!!!
PS this offer is all inclusive. Absolutely no subject is out of bounds. I will not judge. If I don't already know about it you can bet I'll want to learn about it. 
Please help me utilize this mania. Ask me anything!!!!
Please be assured, I hold no judgement against anyone whatever you beliefs, fantasies, desires, feelings, compulsions, I take everything at face value and make assessments before making informed opinions that are subject to change when presented with enough compelling evidence. Everything that comes into my inbox is 100% confidential!!


I didn't actually manage to get this blog finished as my mania spiralled a little and I went on some crazy ramble about power and some such baloney...! 

Here is a little update: 

Mania is a cunt. Whichever way it goes. "Fun" mania seems to lead me to make decisions that will make my typical self feel ridiculously anxious. Talking with zero filter only serves to nake me look incredibly stupid and all the "doing stuff" has left me in excruciating pain!


Gah I don't think I'll survive another manic episode. Positive OR negative! Give me depression or give me death! 

I can't keep writing right now. My mind is still racing and OUCH everything hurts!